


Ecclesiastes 3

by GoodQuestion



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Community: deancasbigbang, DCBB2015, Dean becomes a ghost, EMT!Dean, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Other, Reaper!AU, canon typical death, dcbb15, reaper!Cas - Freeform, some horror aspects, topics of domestic violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 04:11:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 54,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5276042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodQuestion/pseuds/GoodQuestion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reaper AU. Castiel was a reaper, a rather excellent and higher ranking one at that. Tessa was his best friend who’d teased him for centuries that he had no hobbies, until he found one in the stalking of Dean Winchester, an EMT. Tessa thought it was adorable.<br/>Until it wasn’t and it was Dean’s turn to pass to the beyond.</p><p>[Dean stood there, looking down at his body.</p><p>“Who the hell are you!?”</p><p>Castiel shuddered, not expecting Dean to look at him. Dean could see him. Really see him. He felt chills crawling along his body. Dean had such a stern, strong gaze. Castiel’s entire ‘welcome to the afterlife’ speech tumbled out of his mind to be left where it may. </p><p>“Castiel.”</p><p>“What the hell are you?! What the fuck is going on?” Dean demanded and stomped into Castiel’s space. He grabbed the lapels of Castiel’s coat and he tried not to faint where he stood.</p><p>“I’m a reaper. You’re dead.”]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> I am so glad to have gotten this fic done. Huge shoutout to my beta [ismylifejustafantasy](http://ismylifejustfantasy.tumblr.com/) and of course this thing wouldn't be complete without my amazing artist [Arkaham](http://thedullroom.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> [Art Masterpost](http://thedullroom.tumblr.com/post/133831630033/master-post/)  
> [LJ Masterpost]()  
> [Tumblr masterpost](http://goodquestionharlie.tumblr.com/post/133847511998/title-ecclesiastes-3-author-goodquestion-artist)
> 
>  
> 
> Any mistakes left in the fic are on me.

 

 

Death is an interesting, peculiar thing.

It’s something universal and eternal. At least, that’s the assumption. One could say push hasn’t come to shove yet to test that theory out. But in the meantime, the day to day needs to be taken care of. Wondering whether time or death is more eternal doesn’t help the world spin around. So while time and death try and out run each other, there are reapers.

There are thousands of them and there isn’t one in existence that could tell you when it all began. They span across countries, centuries, times, ends of the world, and faiths. And, luckily for them, they don’t have to struggle with the existence and boundaries of all of those factors like their ‘charges’ do. They are the bridge between the last ‘breath’ taken and the breath never taken again.

Some of the reapers are older, some of them are younger, but even in the void there is a hierarchy. Castiel and Tessa stand at the higher classes of that hierarchy, and you would never be able to be able to tell. But they’re old.

Very old.


	2. Chapter 1

“These look amazing!”

Castiel leaned over and looked at the display. It didn’t inspire anything in him. “How can raw meat look amazing?”

Tessa laughed as she moved closer to the cuts. “Well, there’s awful quality and good quality, and you can tell from the meat.”

Castiel shrugged but gave her a small, indulgent smile. “Well, you’re the expert.” Tessa laughed again, and dragged Castiel forward with her, staying in the void while Tessa remained corporeal. He’d never understood the reason to do it. Admittedly, yes, they were at a pick up and there were perhaps reasons to become corporeal during the job so that they could communicate what they wanted but why in the world did they need to stand in line?

“Don’t be grumpy.”

“Standing in line seems pointless.”

“It’s the experience, Cas. Live a little.”

Castiel tilted his head and shook it a little, “Even I know this isn’t really living, but, to each their own.”

** **

Tessa rolled her eyes but Castiel was saved from a retort when the person in front of them moved to side. “Hi! Yes, how are you today? Good, wonderful? All right, I would like this cut,” she moved to the side and pointed a finger at a piece of steak she’d been eyeing. “With… let’s see. Can I get some green beans on the side? Oh and with the home-made cheesy mashed potatoes. Great, let’s also get the gravy on the side. And uh-” Tessa glanced at Castiel, trying to be discreet but he only shrugged.

They’d been picking up food for Death for years but Castiel still couldn’t understand why he was included. He waited as Tessa took another look at the menu, which amused Castiel since she’d spent most of their time in line obsessively reading through it.

“Oh! And mac and cheese, the bread crumbs on the side- yes good. And ooh- an order of the chocolate strawberry cheesecake. A full cake please, not just a slice of it.”

The cashier smiled at them, adjusting his crinkly green hat. “Of course, Ma’am. Is it for here or to go?”

“To go.”

“Thank you! You’re number is 82, we’ll call you when we’re ready.”

Tessa led them to the side, dodging running children, and holding the plastic number in her hands, excited.

“I don’t know why you insist on staying here for the entire process,” Castiel commented as he looked around the place. It was fairly popular, warm brown and beige tones decorated the dining room. When you walked in the place was evenly covered in small, square tables that led to a long ‘L’ shaped counter that showcased their meats and some of their fresh vegetables, ending in a cash register.

Tessa laughed and pulled Castiel aside behind one of the booth’s that lined the wall, as children almost slammed into him. Since Tessa was corporeal and touching him, some of him was. He’d nearly forgotten. “Don’t say it.”

Tessa smiled as they leaned against the wall, “You know if you spent more time being more corporeal you might remember that people can slam into you.”

“I’m only doing this for your benefit.”

Tessa rolled her eyes and wrapped her arms around his right one. “You and me both know you secretly enjoy it.” Castiel huffed and Tessa continued. “The sights, smells, sounds.”

“You’re full of yourself.”

Tessa gently knocked her hip into Castiel’s and turned to look at the gigantic images printed on the wall of all the food.

“82!”

Tessa nearly jumped in excitement, scurrying to the counter, number in hand. She gave the boy at the counter a warm smile and eagerly looked through the bags to make sure they had everything. The server gave her a wink and handed her an extra container.

“We have a special going on today. Everyone who orders a meal over $30 gets a complimentary order of the cake of the day- I hope you like chocolate!”

The server leaned back behind the counter and pulled a small packet out. “And sprinkles if you’d like them!”

Tessa smiled, accepting them all gratefully. “Thank you so much, this was a pleasant surprise.”

Castiel moved away from the wall as Tessa waved goodbye to the people at the counter. They faded out of sight as they passed through the door, slipping back into the void.

“Are we done?”

Tessa nodded and adjusted one of the bags, fussing when Castiel tried to carry one of them for her. She suddenly paused, eyes growing wide. She pointed across the street. “Look! Look! They’ve got pie!”

Castiel frowned, crossing his arms, “I fail to see why that matters.”

Tessa grinned and pulled Castiel across the street, passing through the cars that migrated along it.

Castiel was immediately suspicious.

Yes, Death enjoyed sweets and every so often they did have a request for pie, but this wasn’t about their errand or their boss.

This was about Dean.

Dean… Castiel didn’t know his last name, but it was about Dean.

Tessa whined at him and eventually managed to pull him into the store brightly decorated store. Massive canvas prints of the food they served covered the walls and in between each picture was a tall glass case featuring pictures of people. He stared at her with an eyebrow raised as she talked very loudly about the fresh apple pie they had just set out and how _Death would really enjoy this._ It would be a _nice_ surprise for Death.

Castiel glared at her. The smirk she gave back let him know she was enjoying this a little too much.

By their job description alone they were surrounded by death. They saw a lot of people, dead and alive, and over the years, there were barely any that were remembered. At least Castiel couldn’t remember most of them. The people they collected passed by in a moment and then the years moved on. The universe passed by regardless of how often their paths crossed, especially with the living.

They were easily forgotten.

Even then only the highest levels of reapers had a full level of consciousness and personality. Castiel was one of the older ones that did retain memory and personality, even though he was teased to have none. Still, no one had ever stood out to him in millennia.

But… then there was Dean.

The first time that Castiel ran into Dean-

“Oh wow, this looks soooo gooood,” Tessa said, taking in a deep breath as the person behind the counter wrapped the pie up for them.

Castiel nodded, indulging her and hoping she wouldn’t notice he was deep in thought. The smell of the sweets curled around him and it reminded him of Dean. He frowned and immediately retreated further into the void to cut off his sense of smell.

The first time he saw Dean he very nearly lost a soul he was reaping. Reapers didn’t need to breathe but for a moment Castiel felt breathless. His entire being stilled. When he came back from his reaping he was unbalanced. He appeared before Tessa, Gabriel, and Kali, blushing and stuttering. Luckily only Tessa noticed. Gabriel and Kali were busy flirting with each other, even though Castiel thought it was a lot closer to arguing. He’d never understood Gabriel’s infatuation with the reaper turned Goddess. It wasn’t until it became a regular occurrence that Tessa had become concerned. She’d followed him to a reaping that Castiel had seemed unusually excited about and with his closed off personality it meant a lot.

She’d nearly scared him to death.

_“Oh my lord!”_

_Castiel turned around just as the soul emerged from its body where Dean had finally given up resuscitating him. “Stay. Professional.”_

_Tessa put on a soft, gentle smile and walked towards the soul, holding her hands up in a placating gesture._

_“Excuse me!” The soul walked towards them, wearing the designer jeans and t-shirt he’d died in, confused and upset. “What in the world is this? What professional thing?!”_

_“Please, it’s all right,” Tessa said, giving him as comforting a smile as she could._

_“All right? How is this all right? Nothing’s all right!”_

_The soul whirled around, looking ready to swing until he saw himself lying on the floor. They watched together, Dean leaning back on one knee as he announced the time of death to his co-workers._

_“Hey! I’m not dead!  Can’t be. WHY ISN’T HE DOING ANYTHING?!”_

_“Sir…” Castiel began and the spirit pushed himself away from them._

_“No! No!”_

_Tessa glanced at Castiel. She’d take this one. It wasn’t something he begrudged. He knew Tessa felt guilty for surprising him but more than that, big, burly, straight men generally responded better to a pretty woman like Tessa more than him._

_He watched Dean instead while she dealt with the soul move-on but refused to turn around and look at her. She walked around Castiel to take a closer look at Dean._

_“Well, Castiel. Color me impressed.”_

_Castiel didn’t respond, instead he grabbed her arm and pulled them away to their next reaping._

_She hadn’t stopped teasing him since._

Castiel watched Tessa as she balanced the pies with the other food.

“You know I’m more than happy to help.”

“Come on, let’s go.”

Castiel and Tessa held hands as they honed in on Death’s location. When they reemerged they found themselves on a beach, the sun bright where it was starting to slowly move down the horizon, the area filled with sunburnt people.

“Tessa, Castiel,” Death smiled, setting down the brightly colored juice they had been sipping on.

Tessa walked over and gave Death a small hug while Castiel shifted from side to side nervously. It wasn’t that Death intimidated him. Death was generally unruffled, borderline kind at times, but Castiel still felt out of place being so close to them.  Most reapers never even met Death but Tessa had always had a particularly close relationship with them and through her Castiel held a special position as well.

“And what do we have here?”

Tessa placed the pies on the table, “We were just walking down the street when we stumbled on this amazing little shop. I figured we could give it a try.”

Death chuckled softly, “Well, as much as I appreciate the gesture I’m not sure even I could eat all this.”

Tessa looked behind herself and smirked at Cas. Castiel kept his expression as somber as he could.

Tessa had followed him on a few other reapings, ones where they were just near Dean. He’d been watching him polish off a pie out of a tin can that someone had brought him at the hospital and Tessa had commented on it in shock. _‘How can one person eat **all that?!’**_ He’d defended Dean by letting it slip that it was his favorite food and he was allowed to enjoy it however he wanted. Especially with his stressful job.

Death nodded to Castiel. “Please, join me. In fact, you’re welcome to all of this wonderful meal. Food, and flavor especially, is marvelous gift.”

Tessa seated herself next to Death at the table. Castiel joined them but politely refused the offer to eat. He’d never seen a purpose for it and didn’t see a purpose for it even now. He watched both of them eat, listening to the idle chatter.

Most of his days followed this pattern.

…

“Hey, Cas.”

Castiel turned around to find Tessa balancing a large package and a few smaller ones in her hands. She walked towards him, looking a little overwhelmed.

“What’s this?”

Tessa glanced down at the items in her arms. “An errand. Look, there’s a soul that’s about to pop out and I underestimated how much time this would take. Could you take care of it for me?” She blinked up at him, pouting her lips slightly.

Castiel sighed and smiled a little, “There’s no reason for the theatrics, Tessa. Of course I will.”

Tessa grinned and disappeared after leaving Castiel with the instructions.

When he showed up at his appointment he knew why Tessa had been grinning at him. There was an old woman on the floor, her wig fallen to the side, and Dean was bent over her, trying to breathe life back into what Castiel knew would be a corpse soon. Dean wasn’t in his uniform so Castiel assumed he wasn’t on shift, and this wasn’t a call. Castiel stepped closer and his foot passed through a scattering of groceries on the floor, most of them surprisingly intact. Only the broken container of pie with ‘ _for Dean’_ hinted to him that they were probably Dean’s.

This had to be where he lived.

He jumped a little as he felt a hand on his shoulder but relaxed quickly. There was only one person who had a reason to be here. He turned to look at Tessa as she unwrapped a Tupla candy bar.

“You’re not very clever.”

Tessa swallowed a small bite and looked down at the commotion. “We both know I’m extremely clever.”

Instead of responding Castiel turned his attention to the woman on the floor, waiting for the soul to leave her body. He nearly sighed as he heard the sirens, frowning when Dean didn’t slow down his resuscitation attempt on the old woman.

They would be too late.

The sirens wailed closer when suddenly the woman’s chest heaved. Tessa made a soft sound around the last bit of her snack, very impressed. “He’s got talent, I’ll give you that,” she said softly.

Castiel had to agree. It wasn’t very common that they received an order to collect a soul and returned empty handed, but it happened. There were many paths into the After.

Dean leaned back forward from the relieved pose he’d dipped into, checking the woman’s pulse. A grateful sigh pushed past his lips.

“This was worth coming back to seeing. We both know this doesn’t happen very- Oh.” Tessa froze momentarily as she received her summon. “Another one calls.” She gave him a quick hug and left with a wink, telling him not to linger too long.

Castiel shook his head, ignoring the wink and the advice. He stayed, watching as other EMTs rushed up the stairs. He smiled. It was rare that he got to witness one of Dean’s successes. Life wasn’t exactly a part of his job description but it was the purpose of Dean’s. Sometimes, like now, he would linger after a soul had passed and it ached something deep inside of him to watch Dean deflate and his eyes lose their shine when he lost someone. He always pulled himself together though, it was a strength that Castiel couldn’t help but admire.

He watched as Dean gathered up his fallen groceries, grinning at the soft ‘damn it’ that Dean whispered when saw the broken tin container of pie. Castiel smiled because he knew Dean would end up eating it anyway. He just loved it too much.

Castiel knew a few things like this about Dean and he hoarded the little bits of information like a dragon did gold. He knew Dean had a brother named Sam. (He’d discovered this one day when he’d lingered after a death. Sam would sometimes meet his brother after work and bring him food. Apparently Dean sometimes forgot to eat, which seemed unfathomable to Castiel with Dean’s loud and boisterous declarations of love for it.) Castiel had also been around for a few glimpses of his friends and they seemed like good people.

And now?

Castiel guiltily followed Dean. He felt a little ashamed. If he could breathe, he would have been holding it in. This was Dean’s apartment, this is where he lived. They stopped at a door and Castiel hovered. He waited until the door opened before the guilt overtook him. This was an invasion of privacy, a massive invasion of privacy, and Dean was a very private person. He only caught a glimpse of Dean’s living space before he flitted away, resolute to never enter his apartment.

Of course, this resolution didn’t last very long. It wasn’t wholly his fault.

…

Castiel stood, scowling a little as Dean patched up a massive gut wound. Another soul in the area had passed, related to Dean’s situation, and it had upset them both. Dean gritted his teeth, panting a little to keep his rage in check. Emotions rolled off of him in waves that Castiel soaked up.

This man was a bad man. He’d robbed a nearby house and killed the family in it. Castiel wasn’t the only reaper that had showed up to the neighborhood but he’d been in charge of the little girl who’d made him privy to the details of the crime in her tiny, terrified, screeching voice.

A chase had followed and then Dean was called in to ‘save’ the damn bastard. It was the first time Castiel found himself seriously wishing and praying that Dean did not save this soul. But he was too good, too dedicated, to fail at his job. He wouldn’t make mistakes on purpose.

He would do his job.

Castiel watched, fully scowling as they loaded the man into the ambulance and Castiel heard another EMT confirming to Dean that he would live and be fine. His patch-up job was excellent. There was no danger. The ambulance pulled away and Dean was left with another co-worker, glaring at is as it rounded a corner. Castiel felt tense as he watched the emotions fight through Dean’s eyes. The turmoil that radiated off of him made the choice for him.

He followed Dean home. To make sure he was… all right. At least, that’s what Castiel told himself.

The door slammed and Castiel watched as Dean went straight to a low cupboard. He turned around slowly, taking in the apartment for the first time. The couch was worn and simple, with dents in it. Obviously well-loved and used if the fraying material had anything to say about it. There were wall to wall shelves filled with books. He knew Dean was intelligent but it surprised him. He listened to Dean bang around the cupboards as he took a closer look at the books. Most of them were very well read, as the many bent spines indicated.

There were posters on every wall and a collage of pictures set up in a large hanging frame near the kitchen. He glanced through it, recognizing some of the faces. He stopped looking through the apartment as he heard a loud ‘GOD DAMN IT’ ring through the apartment. Castiel walked into the kitchen.

Dean was leaning over the counter top, forearms holding him up. There was a bruise forming around his fist and a small crack in the outdated blue tile lining the kitchen wall. Dean’s back was tense as Castiel walked a little closer. He’d never felt a more burning desire to reach out and touch Dean. But, he couldn’t.

Instead he resigned himself to watching as Dean filled up his glass of whiskey, angrily dropping ice cubes in it and sinking into the couch. He turned the TV on and swallowed his first drink in almost one go. Concerned, Castiel stayed until Dean passed out on the couch, head tilted back, loud snores coming out of him as he drooled a little.

It was depressing to witness.

** **

Castiel knew he shouldn’t have but he pushed himself to become more corporeal and started to dig through Dean’s apartment. He left his bedroom alone, even though it would speed up his search, and eventually found a blanket hidden underneath couch pillows. It looked handmade. He felt nervous and alight as he approached Dean, gently leaning him to the side so he was nestled on one of the couch cushions he’d moved. Where his fingertips touched Dean’s skin it almost felt like it burned, scorching him down to his very soul. He covered Dean with the blanket, feeling unreasonably satisfied when Dean gave a content sigh and nuzzled into it.

It was the least he could do.

…

** **

Castiel stood at one of his favorite places in the world. A crumbling clifftop at the edges of Greece.

That’s where Tessa found him.

“You look like you’re lost in some pretty deep thoughts, Castiel.”

Castiel hummed, barely paying attention. “Not really.”

“Come on.”

Castiel’s lip quirked a little and he relented. After years of working together, and being friends, sometimes it was easier to give in early. With Tessa it was wise to pick your battles and this was one he figured he could easily circumvent. “Death. I’m thinking of death and morality.”

Tessa walked up closer and leaned into his side, resting her head on his shoulder as they watched the sun go down over the horizon. “That’s not something we worry about, so who’s on your mind?”

Castiel nearly huffed. He should’ve known better than to think she’d let herself be steered into an adjunct of the real conversation. “Dean.”

Tessa nodded, wrapping her arm around Castiel’s and sliding her hand down until it reached his. “You know, you could just visit him instead of standing on a random cliff brooding about him.”

“It’s not a random cliff. It is very beautiful here. Besides, Tessa,” Castiel looked to the side thinking of what he’d done the other day. “That’s stalking.”

Tessa laughed a little, “We’re reapers Cas. That’s more or less all we do.”

Castiel didn’t respond but the comment did give him much to think of.

He wasn’t human and it should follow that he wasn’t bound by human etiquette. It couldn’t hurt to check in on Dean every once in awhile. It had taken him some time but he’d finally decided that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. And to be fair, he hadn’t had a reaping near Dean in a long while. The last time he’d seen Dean had been at his apartment.

Castiel made his choice after a successful reaping and materialized outside of Dean’s door. He stood outside for a moment, trying to gather the courage to go in. He nearly stumbled backwards as the door opened, forgetting completely that whoever it was would just pass through him. He stepped to the side and watched as Dean and his friends (Ash? And… Benny?) walked out. They were laughing. Castiel decided to follow, excited about the smile on Dean’s face. The last time he’d seen Dean hadn’t been as pleasant. He wasn’t surprised when his chase of them led him to the Roadhouse. He’d heard them speak of it several times before as one of Dean’s favorite establishments.

Castiel watched, something strange burning in his chest as Dean walked over to a petite woman with red hair and held her close. He stayed for a while, no other summoning coming in, and the strange discomfort building as he kept watching. It didn’t make sense. Dean was happy and his only purpose had been to make sure that he was all right after everything. So why was he unhappy?

He left and the shame of the strange feeling kept him from visiting Dean for a while.

Of course, even if he had truly wanted to, he could never have truly left Dean’s side for long, his work as an EMT made it impossible and guaranteed that he would see him again.

Castiel waited, watching Dean sit on the curb, his head held in his bloody hands, for the soul to pop out. It finally emerged, blinking, confused, but before Castiel could even begin he was interrupted.

“It’s been some time, huh, Clarence?”

Castiel’s shoulders tensed and he turned around, trying not to grit his teeth. “You know I still don’t understand what that means.”

Meg laughed, sauntering forward and dragging her hand down Castiel’s arm. “This one’s mine.”

Castiel turned with her as she walked past, her hips swaying. The soul’s eyes were glued to Meg’s form. The woman, despite her clear terror at seeing her own body lie on the floor, flushed a bright red. Castiel knew he wouldn’t be able to take this one with him. So instead he, patiently stayed to the side, unable to help the bitter smile that played on his face. Meg put her back into her body and he watched as she took a sputtering breath and Dean leapt forward, shocked and confused.

“Stop looking so glum. I gave your favorite human pet a pretty good day.” Castiel startled and couldn’t fight the blush down off of his face. Meg laughed and leered at him. “Talk around the office cooler was right then.”

Castiel ignored her but leveled her with a look, refusing to turn away. “You’re a reaper Meg. You shouldn’t be accepting bribes.”

Meg shrugged and brushed her dark hair behind her ear. “Toe the line if you like but I know I’ve got a cozy place for myself and I’m doing just fine.”

“It’s going to come back to you.”

He continued to ignore Meg as the street grew darker, the ambulance leaving in a hurry. Meg gave him a wet kiss on the cheek, he wiped it off with a frown. He couldn’t say that he really cared for Meg, for the most part he’d never even found a reason to interact with any of his fellow reapers extensively outside of Tessa but he did know her well, whether he wanted to or not. They at least had some type of working relationship and sometimes he’d found her sense of humor charming. The only thing he’d never understood was her flirting. So he ignored it.

Losing souls had consequences, consequences that some of the other reapers, especially the ones that accepted frequent bribes, never seemed to face.

Castiel shuddered, thinking of Naomi. Death may have been their creator but Naomi ran the void. She ran it well, if not… painfully.

“Oh stop glaring at me like that. You’re losing precious time for staring at your favorite boy.”

Castiel turned around, sad to see Dean getting into his own vehicle and didn’t bother to look back as he felt Meg leave.

Meg’s words _did_ however have an effect on Castiel. He stopped his random visits to Dean completely. If the other reapers had noticed, he would be in trouble.

That didn’t stop him from feeling a rush as his spirit was gently tugged to a reaping and immediately recognized the voice.

“Fucking idiot!”

Dean was standing behind a man he didn’t recognize, his arms wrapped around the underside of his chest, pulling back and lifting him. A few pulls later a piece of something flew out of his mouth and went sailing across the yard.

Castiel relaxed, smiling. It would’ve been unfortunate if he’d had to witness the death of what he assumed was a friend of Dean’s. Castiel looked around. It wasn’t a place he was familiar with. It was a large yard, some of the grass wilted and dead in patches, filled with people. He walked behind Dean, who’d passed off the person to someone else and took in the sights. Castiel stuck close to Dean, following him as he settled at a large grill. Dean glanced back before turning back to the grill, mumbling ‘idiot’ and taking a long pull from a bottle of beer.

A woman he recognized from the Roadhouse approached him, a smile on her face. “Looking good, Dean.”

“Thanks, but hey- where’s Rufus? I know I said I’d watch the burgers for a bit but I don’t remember saying a damn thing about cooking them.”

She laughed and moved closer to Dean. He lifted his arm and brought her into the fold of his arms. “You’re 32, Dean. A little too old to be falling for that one.”

Dean grumbled but went back to his cooking. The grumbling dropped off once everybody had been served their food and turned into a blush and an embarrassed scowl. The praise sent his way collectively by the table made him flustered. He tried to defend himself by telling them that the prep work was all Rufus but no one listened to him. Still, when everyone turned back to their own conversations Castiel could see a small, pleased smile on Dean’s face.

For the first time Castiel felt a deep craving to eat.

He wondered what Dean’s cooking tasted like.

…

Their brief interaction, well, more like Castiel’s brief stalking of Dean at Bobby’s (he’d discovered the name later in the evening) had given new life to Castiel’s favorite pastime. He’d forgotten how much he missed being around Dean. He would just have to be more careful now. Instead of lingering too long after a death, he’d taken to finding Dean at his home. He told himself there was nothing wrong with staying at his side, trying to understand the strange TV shows Dean found so amusing. Besides, other reapers would be pleased that he was trying to educate himself on the world.

The only one who knew was Tessa. She’d annoyingly followed him but had left with a smirk and wink of encouragement. She’d been pushing him to do something for himself for a while. She’d also told him that he seemed much more relaxed after he spent time with Dean. He’d had to agree and started to view his time with Dean as a successful way to unwind and be better at his job, as if he was at the cliffs.

Castiel became bolder with Tessa’s constant encouraging and he found himself at Dean’s more often without being cautious that it was a ‘convenient time’ for Dean. His earlier hesitation for Dean’s privacy became almost nonexistent.

That is, until he received a very stern reminder of it.

Castiel stood frozen unable to move.

Dean was captivating, his pants were pulled down to his thighs along with his boxers and his chest seemed to glow in the bright light of the muted TV. Castiel felt his being flicker a little, a heat crawling across his body as Dean groaned and rubbed his palm up and down his cock, panting hard.

Castiel wasn’t a complete strange to sexual pleasure, not for himself but in concept. He’d had to collect souls from some very unfortunate and strange situations, but this? This was new.

The feeling inside of him was also new. His body buzzed, his head feeling fuzzy as Dean arched his hips off of the couch, tilting his head back, come dribbling from his cock and collecting at the grooves of his hand.

The light’s flickered.

Dean’s eyes snapped open, the lazy glow was gone. “What the fuck?!”

Castiel fled.

This had never happened to him before.


	3. Chapter 2

“You’ve been jumpy lately.”

Castiel ignored Tessa, not wanting to explain. Stalking a human was embarrassing enough but having a sudden ‘physical reaction’ was mortifying. It was also more than shameful that he’d stayed, watching Dean instead of leaving the moment he understood what was going on. It was behavior more suited to Balthazar or Gabriel than him.

“Come on, you’ve lost four souls this week. That’s not like you.”

Castiel sighed, “It’s nothing. Please, leave it alone.”

Tessa obliged him for the most part, until he had a reaping near Dean. Castiel collected the old soul, coaxing it to move on and avoided looking at Dean. They had arrived at a hospital and Dean was sharing a coffee with someone. He didn’t try and find out who. Instead he tried to reassure the elderly man in front of him that everything was all right. He’d lost his battle to cancer but better things awaited.

“Okay now I _know_ something’s wrong!”

Castiel sighed after the soul faded into the void, “What are you doing here, Tessa?”

Tessa walked forward, arms folded across her chest. “I was worried about the soul, had the signs of a difficult one.” She stared him down until Castiel had to look away. They both knew she was lying but at least she was kind enough to do it.  His eyes found Dean, his head was tilted back in a laugh, and he immediately turned to look at something else. “Wow. As if that wasn’t a neon sign. Staring at him is like your favorite pastime.”

“Tessa.”

“Cas.”

Tessa scooted closer and placed a hand on his bicep. “I’m your friend, Castiel. I’m worried about you.”

Castiel frowned, knowing that he would have to relent. He glanced quickly at Dean before taking Tessa’s hand in his. “Fine, but not here.”

He let Tessa choose the location and they ended up at a bustling little bistro in Peru where she ordered herself a snack. She insisted they sit at one of the booths. “Okay, so?” Castiel’s cheeks colored, something that didn’t happen very often, and he stared down at the tablecloth. “Wow, ok, this has got to be good.”

“Please, don’t tease.”

“I’ll do my best not to, Castiel.”

Castiel breathed in, wondering when he’d picked up the habit, and started to explain. He told the story in as little words as possible, his ears beet red by the time he was done. Tessa was silent until she burst out laughing. Castiel lifted his head and glared at her, “This isn’t funny.”

“Oh my god Cas. That’s wonderful.”

Castiel frowned. “I’m glad you think it’s amusing.”

Tessa smiled softly and reached over the table to hold Castiel’s hand. “All right, sorry sorry. Just, it’s not something that I ever thought would happen to you. Balthazar, Gabriel, or hell even Alfie would be more likely to end up in this situation.” Castiel remained stubbornly silent. He wasn’t in the mood to be teased. Tessa sighed and held his hand tighter. “It was an accident.”

Castiel bit his lip and dared a glance up at her. “Not entirely, I don’t think.”

Tessa’s eyebrows rose. “Come again?”

“I had…” Castiel drew his hands back away from Tessa and folded them together in his lap. He turned his head to the side unable to look her in the eye. “A very strong reaction to it.”

“Oh, what- what happened?”

Castiel stayed tense, shifting around in his seat. “I caused an electrical charge.”

Tessa laughed and Castiel gave her a sharp glare. “I’m sorry, but the way you were building up to it I thought you’d destroyed windows and broken half the lights in the city block.” She scooted her hands closer to Castiel on the table and waited until he put his in hers again. “So you liked it? Seeing him?”

“Perhaps.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“We’re not supposed to have these types of feelings, Tessa. We live in the void.”

Tessa huffed and rolled her eyes. “Tell that to the twelve-way Batlhazar had last weekend.”

“He’s not someone I would use as an example of proper behavior.”

“Screw proper, Cas. It’s not like you’re interacting with him on the mortal plane. You’re not crossing any boundaries. It’s like when you watch the sunset off of that little cliff of yours.”

“The sunset does not give me feelings of….” Castiel stopped talking, feeling embarrassed again.

Tessa simply smiled at him. “Relax Castiel. It’s happened to the best of us.”

Castiel didn’t get the chance to ask when something like this had ever happened to her because they were both pulled away back to their jobs.

Still, she’d given him something to consider.

He followed Tessa’s advice and followed Dean from the hospital to the Roadhouse. It was nicely neutral and public, just like seeing Dean when he was on shift. He couldn’t have any unfortunate incidents like this, or at least he hoped not. Gabriel had once very loudly told him about an exhibitionist he’d had the pleasure of guiding to the other side. So far nothing in Dean’s life had suggested that it was something he indulged in. This would be safe.

It was pleasant, going back to what passed for normalcy.

Castiel was more careful about visiting Dean in his home. He’d tried to stop it all together but found he missed it too much. Time passed relatively quickly for him and it wasn’t until he was in Brazil, idly thinking of Dean that he became concerned again.

 

Castiel glanced down, stomach churning. He was eternally grateful that as a reaper he was inherently invisible in the void. He was doubly grateful that no other reaper was nearby.

He had an erection.

“I don’t even have a properly functioning circulatory system,” Castiel told himself, mortified.

He needed to talk to Tessa, immediately.

For the first time he surprised her, and if the situation weren’t so dire he might’ve found some joy in it. She jumped around, giving him a glare and turning back to her spirit. He waited patiently out of sight until it had passed.

“Need something, Cas?”

“Don’t look at me like that, you do this to me all the time.”

“Fair enough.”

“I do actually need something, I-” Castiel blushed furiously, another thing that made him think of something he didn’t have. Blood. Blood caused the face to flush. It wasn’t something he’d put a lot of thought into before. Why did Dean have to make everything confusing?

“Everything okay, Cas?” Tessa walked closer, concerned. Then her eyes trailed down to where Castiel was trying to hide himself with his palm, making it only more painfully obvious. Tessa’s own cheeks reddened. “Oh!”

“Can we go somewhere private?”

“Are you propositioning me, Cas?” Tessa asked, amused.

Castiel grit his teeth together and glared. “No, I just. I don’t want to be interrupted for this conversation.”

Tessa indulged him and they found themselves in an abandoned cellar in a villa in Italy. “Does this work for you?”

Castiel nodded and sighed gratefully. “I don’t know what’s happening.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s a little obvious what’s happening.”

“Tessa! This isn’t- this doesn’t make sense. We’re reapers. I’ve never gone corporeal, I shouldn’t have any- any,” Castiel groaned, frustrated.

Tessa found an old crate to sit on top of and took in Castiel slowly. “Well, we are the first. That’s an explanation?”

Castiel stared at her.

“Well, I mean I know a lot of reapers who, the more time they spend corporeal, end up adapting themselves a lot more to human functions but we are the firsts. We can eat, and that doesn’t make sense, so why not this? We share a lot of likeness with Death.”

Castiel leaned against the wall, a little less frustrated, just mildly annoyed now. “I highly doubt Death has ever had an affair such as this.”

Tessa shrugged, “I wouldn’t know.”

“I don’t understand what’s going on.”

Tessa looked at Castiel carefully. “You know I’m really not the best person to talk to about this.”

Castiel groaned, there was a reason he’d sought out a private place for a discussion with Tessa and _only_ Tessa.

“You know if you want answers…”

“I know, I know.” Castiel let his head gently bump against the wall. At least his erection had disappeared. That was a bonus. He nodded. “All right.”

Tessa smiled, “I’ll be right back.”

When she returned it was with Balthazar and Gabriel in tow. He couldn’t look at them.

Gabriel strode forward, pulling him into a strong hug. “Castiel! Didn’t think you had it in you. Finally hit puberty?”

Castiel glowered and stepped out of the hug. “We’re reapers. We don’t have puberty. We’re created fully formed.”

“Well, most of us,” Tessa interjected. Castiel glared at her. If he had to suffer Gabriel and Balthazar she could at least be helpful.

“So, is there anyone you’ve got your eye on?” Balthazar asked, a wicked gleam in his eye. “Hester maybe? Or how about Rachel? Or maybe Inias?” Balthazar gave him a dirty smirk.

Castiel was glad at least that Tessa hadn’t mentioned the human factor. He did not want that being found out. “No I’m just… feeling things for the first time. It’s uncomfortable.

Gabriel hummed and stared at Castiel questioningly. “I guess joking aside that _is_ rare. I mean, you’ve been around since what, the beginning of time?”

“Just about,” Castiel muttered.

“Well, have you had any forays into something that could trigger this? Spending a lot of time walking mortal?”

Castiel started to shake his head but then thought about it. He’d at least helped Dean to bed on that one drunken night. “I wouldn’t call it a foray.”

Gabriel shrugged, “Well, that could be it. I mean you’ve never really done any crossing on the void, could just be a side effect of that.”

“It still doesn’t help me very much.”

Balthazar chuckled and patted him on the shoulder. “Well, Cassie, there’s really only two things you can do. You could probably just will it away, you’re pretty damn stubborn or ya know, take care of it yourself.”

Castiel blushed and moved away from them. He knew in theory how to do that, he’d been watching humanity for ages. It was inevitable that he would stumble onto that but it was _not_ something he wanted to even entertain discussing with his fellow reapers. “I need some time,” Castiel said simply, heading for his clifftop and glad that no one, not even Tessa had followed.

He looked down at his body and touched a cautious finger to the front of his pants. He slid his hand over his flaccid cock more forcefully and stopped. It felt weird. “This is awful,” Castiel muttered.

When Dean had been doing it, it had seemed much more pleasurable.

The thought of Dean, spread on the couch sent Castiel’s blood roaring. Arousal rushed through him and suddenly the physical contact felt a thousand times better. He immediately yanked his hand away, panting softly. 

He couldn’t think of Dean.

Wouldn’t.

…

At the very least his new little problem was somewhat manageable. For the most part he could ignore it and he noticed that it generally never occurred when he was watching Dean with his family or friends, sohe planned his visits with that in mind. Castiel found himself a perch at a bench where he could watch the commotion. Dean’s family was having a cookout. He was glad to see Dean at the grill again.

Except this time Castiel wasn’t alone. Tessa had become more and more curious about Dean and asked to tag along. It wasn’t as if Castiel could’ve stopped her. Yes, he could’ve declined and she would’ve respected it but it wasn’t as if he owned Dean. He had no special claim on him.

“Oh my god everything looks so good,” Tessa said as she eyed the bounty of food being set up. She was nearly jumping up and down when Dean started plating burgers. “Oh my god I bet those are good,” she said, tugging at the sleeve of Castiel’s jacket.

“The family seemed to enjoy them last time.”

“Last time?”

Castiel flushed but refused to look away. “I visited him while he was having an outing like this with his family. He said that a man named Rufus was to thank for the excellent quality of the burgers but the family assured him otherwise.”

“And you didn’t steal a bite?” Tessa paused, realizing what she’d said and rolled her eyes at herself. “What am I saying, of course you didn’t. Because _Castiel_ doesn’t eat.” Tessa moved forward to where the burgers were being put together.

“Tessa, what are you doing?” Castiel hissed as she became briefly semi-corporeal, just enough to snag one off the plate, leaving a very confused Dean standing, staring at the spot where he’d just finished putting together Jo’s burger. “You can’t do that.”

“I think I just did,” Tessa smiled, walking back over to where they shared the bench. “God this looks good.” She took in a deep breath, groaning at the smell of spices and meat.

Castiel watched in envy as she took a big bite, the jealousy increasing when she moaned around the mouthful.

“Oh my-” she gulped down another bite. “Castiel this is _amazing._ I don’t think I’ve had anything better.” She turned to Castiel, offering the burger to him.

Castiel frowned. “No thank you.”

“Really? You don’t want to taste your boy’s cooking?”

Castiel didn’t answer, simply turned around to continue staring at Dean. Tessa shrugged and continued eating, dabbing at the corner of her mouth where sauce had dripped down.

Yes, he was jealous, but eating was something he refused to give in to. He’d never eaten before and he wouldn’t eat now. Dean may have been fascinating but Castiel refused to let him have that much control in his life. To cause that many changes. He may have been… slightly infatuated but he was _still_ Castiel. A high level reaper.

“We should bring one of these back for Death,” Tessa announced as she held the last bite of her burger and already starting to walk towards the table again. “You sure you don’t want the last bite?” She’d barely finished asking when she popped it into her mouth.

Castiel couldn’t understand why but he felt a sudden great animosity towards his closest and oldest friend.

This had to change.

…

Tessa couldn’t understand it but Castiel stopped visiting Dean altogether. He was relieved to find that most of his urges stopped and he felt himself stabilizing more. Apparently Balthazar had been right about his stubbornness and Gabriel’s guess about his involvement in the mortal world seemed to have some truth to it.

He’d been letting himself get a bit too relaxed, too whimsical, and it had cost him actual souls.

Castiel was glad to let Dean go.

But of course, Dean couldn’t let him go.

The next time he saw Dean… it was _bad._

…

Castiel stood at an establishment he knew very well.

The Roadhouse.

Flames licked up its side, wind stoking them higher and stronger. The building was old and made of planks. It was perfect kindling.

The building groaned and screamed, slowly sinking into itself. Loud pops from the fire accompanied the wail of sirens.

Castiel stood watching with a numb sense of horror with perhaps twenty other reapers.

His heart ached. Now that he knew where the death was, all of the emotions and feelings he’d been trying to bury flared up like the fire he watched consume the Roadhouse.

Ellen, Jo, and Ash would die in this fire, along with the twenty other patrons trapped inside of the building.

He turned when he heard more sirens, heart plummeting into his stomach as he recognized the man jumping out of the back of an ambulance. The fire trucks nearly blocked Castiel’s view of him but he could see enough.

** **

Castiel watched, heartbroken as a man from the fire department held Dean back. Dean was kicking and screaming, trying desperately to reach the burning building but he couldn’t. Eventually another firefighter came to his side, helping hold him back.

No one could go inside.

It was too late.

Castiel looked down and hugged himself, unable to look at Dean any longer. He needed to do his job, and he couldn’t do that if he was nearly in tears. Most spirits didn’t respond very kindly to that. Moments passed as Castiel tried to ignore Dean’s screaming, praying it would stop soon.

It finally did when the roof of the building collapsed, sending up sparks into the smoke filled sky.

His soul emerged from the rubble.

Castiel walked forward, squaring his shoulders and trying to seem collected. His mark was Ash. He watched as the man looked around, expression furrowed. Castiel opened his mouth ready to start the spiel that they gave all freshly dead souls but was interrupted.

“Woah, holy hell that’s a fire. Shit.” Ash turned to look at Castiel, hooking his thumbs into the belt loops of his jeans. “Guess that means I’m dead, huh? Didn’t see you coming into the bar.”

Castiel was shocked. He’d never had someone be quite so frank before. He stumbled to restart a little but managed. “I’m… I’m not a patron of your establishment. I am a reaper. I am here to guide your soul to the other side.”

Ash nodded his head along with it, looking around. “Well this is gonna be a helluvan adventure. So, who else is dead?” His voice was filled with concern.

Castiel shook his head, “I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.”

“Right,” Ash frowned and looked around.

Castiel didn’t push, letting Ash watch the fire claim the last bits of the building. Ash looked away from the fire only when he heard Dean yelling.

“Damn,” Ash cursed, walking forward. Castiel followed, his gut twisting painfully as they came closer.

Dean looked utterly broken.

“Shit, this is gonna break the poor guy.”

Castiel couldn’t argue, instead he watched silently as Ash tried to put a comforting hand on his shoulder only to pass through. “He’s gonna beat himself up forever for this.”

“Yes, he will. Dean blames himself for too many things.”

Ash turned around, looking surprised then suspicious. “Dean? Know his name, huh?” Castiel fought for his expression to remain neutral but Ash continued, nodding his head. “Oh right, he’s an EMT, you’re a reaper. Paths must cross an awful lot?”

Castiel was grateful for the out, even if the man didn’t know he’d given him one. His sad smile was genuine. “Probably a little more often than Dean would like.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Ash said.

Castiel stared at Dean, utterly heart broken. He already knew that he would be visiting Dean again. Now, standing there watching this amazing man crumble into pieces he wondered why in the world he’d ever thought it was a good idea to be separated from him. Castiel felt Ash staring at him.

Ash gave him a measured, knowing look and grinned. “Keep an eye on him for me, would ya?” Castiel blushed, unable to control it and Ash laughed. “Well, come on then, time to get this show on the road.”

Castiel reached out and touched his hand to Ash’ forehead, softly whispering to himself, “I already am.”

…

Of course now that Castiel had decided that it was fine to be around Dean, he couldn’t be. He’d intended to see Dean immediately after he finished his rounds but they never seemed to end. Usually it wasn’t something he cared about or minded, he was good at his job and this happened every year, but it irritated him. Summer was a busy time for reapers, death’s increased threefold as people behaved recklessly, glad that whatever responsibilities they had were over. Drunk people, drownings, car accidents, everything seemed to increase.

Frustrated Castiel very nearly purposely lost a soul. Luckily Tessa stopped him.

“Everything okay?” Tessa asked, putting a gentle hand onto his forearm.

Castiel sighed, running a hand through his hair, “No, I need to see Dean.”

Tessa’s face grew somber and her eyes held pity. She knew what had happened even if she hadn’t been a reaper at the scene. “Haven’t had a chance to go see him, huh?”

Castiel shook his head and stared past her, annoyed.

“How about you let me take care of your next few?”

Castiel glanced down at her, surprised. “That will more than triple your work load.”

Tessa shrugged and smiled, “It’s fine. Most of the summer ones go by fast for me anyway. Go see to him.” Castiel tried to argue but Tessa just hushed him and gave him a hug. “Go.”

…

It was odd being back on the North American continent when he’d spent the last month circulating around Europe.

He appeared in Dean’s apartment and was surprised to find it completely dark. The TV wasn’t even on. Castiel turned to the wall clock. Usually at this time Dean was watching his evening shows.

He turned and spotted Dean on the couch. He recognized the look.

Dean was beyond drunk, holding a mostly empty bottle of whiskey in his palm. There were dark circles under his eyes and the apartment was a mess. Castiel looked around trying to find a sign of anything positive.

He cursed. He should’ve been here sooner. Should’ve known that Dean couldn’t be left alone.

He was sure Dean’s family would’ve been there but a look at the bolt locked door told him Dean hadn’t been very receptive to them.

Dean stared ahead of him, not really seeing anything and swaying back and forth slowly.

“This is bad,” Castiel whispered and then made a choice.

He gathered himself, focusing his energy and for the second time for Dean, he became corporeal. Dean jumped, a little spooked but too drunk to really understand what was going on. A soft-‘wha-’ was all Castiel allowed him before he stepped forward and placed his fingers onto Dean’s forehead. He reached down, catching the bottle before it could crash to the floor and put Dean to sleep. Dean swayed to the side and Castiel tamped down the flutter inside of his chest at the warm weight of Dean’s body against his. He placed the bottle on the table behind him and gently stretched Dean out on the couch.

Dean looked awful, as if years of his life had been beaten off of him.

Castiel searched the apartment until he found the blanket he’d placed on Dean before again and tucked him in. He turned around, taking in the mess and briefly thought about cleaning but that would’ve been too obvious. While he was determined to take care of Dean he couldn’t let his presence be known.

He would simply have to be discreet about it.

It became routine for Castiel. He visited Dean most nights, finding him drunk every time. Every night he put Dean to sleep the very same way and picked up small items, never anything too big, so that Dean would be made to think that he was cleaning little by little while he was drunk. Castiel always visited in the evening so he couldn’t even tell if Dean was going to work.

He hoped not. In this state it would’ve been disastrous.

“It’s really adorable, what you’re doing,” Tessa remarked as she followed him into Dean’s apartment one night.

Castiel had wanted to object but Tessa was doing a lot of covering for him. Just because he felt protective of Dean and, especially his _home,_ didn’t mean he could deny others entrance.

Castiel picked up a pile of trash from the floor and brought it into the trash can. “He deserves someone to look after him. He’s… a noble soul.”

Tessa nodded her head, bending down to pick up an empty beer bottle. “That he is, that he is.” She walked around and picked up a few more bottles. “At least we know he’s leaving the apartment,” she commented as she brought the bottles to Castiel. “I highly doubt he’s got his own personal brewery locked away in a closet.”

Castiel nodded. He’d noticed that himself. No matter how much Dean drank there always seemed to be more of it appearing somehow.

“I’m not sure what to do, Tessa. This isn’t healthy.”

Tessa thought on it for a moment, looking at Dean slowly snoring away on the couch. “You could always arrive earlier.”

“Earlier?” Castiel asked stepping up next to Tessa. He resisted the urge to reach down and brush his fingers through the man’s hair.

“Well, if he’s asleep he can’t be drinking, right?” Tessa suggested as she put another bottle into the trash.

“That… that is actually a very good idea.”

“What can I say, Castiel, I’m a genius.”

…

Tessa’s idea worked.

Slowly but surely Dean seemed to improve.

The apartment became less cluttered, even without Castiel’s help. He noticed that the alcohol lessened and some nights there was someone sleeping on the couch and Dean was settled in his room. It made him feel happy, satisfied. He was glad that things seemed to be improving. Dean deserved it. Cooler weather swept in chasing away the summer and one night when he visited he didn’t even have to put Dean to sleep, instead, he simply sat next to him and watched one of Dean’s strange TV’s shows.

Dean only had a few beers that night.

Then things changed more. Castiel appeared one night to find Dean gone, a quick search proved that he was out with his friends.

A very good sign of improvement and he shared his joy with Tessa.

Most nights Dean no longer spent at his own apartment, which was a sign of Dean’s better mental health, but he started to miss their time together. Still, the success with Dean had boosted his own spirits and he’d found himself making up for all the lost work he’d collected even with Tessa’s help in record time.

“Dean is really good for you, huh?” Tessa commented after a particularly difficult soul had passed on.

Castiel didn’t hide his smile, proud of his success. It had been days of negotiating with the spirit but it had finally passed on. “He makes me feel successful.”

“Good, that’s good. And let me guess, you’re going to pop in on him right away?” Tessa teased.

Castiel didn’t bother lying. Tessa would see right through it. “Yes, I am. Perhaps he will be home and we’ll be able to watch something together.”

Tessa rolled her eyes and teased him more before she let Castiel go.

Castiel arrived at Dean’s apartment and was momentarily confused.

Dean was with someone, a woman named Lisa. He’d seen her a few times before but never inside of Dean’s home. He watched as Dean sat on the couch, laughing while Lisa moved into the kitchen. She walked around as if she was very familiar with the place, belonged there even. He watched as Lisa grabbed two beers from the fridge and went back to Dean’s side. She sat down and Dean pulled her in close, holding her tight and placing a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

Something odd filled Castiel’s chest. It was painful and unpleasant and suddenly he hated this woman he knew nothing about. Castiel nearly stumbled with the weight of it and fled before he had a chance to physically affect anything in the apartment.

Castiel went to his cliff, panting hard and holding a hand to his chest trying to calm the raging storm brewing in his chest.

“Cas?”

Castiel turned around to find Tessa standing there, looking concerned. “Tessa?”

“I was wondering where you were. You missed your last two appointments.”

Castiel straightened, completely confused. The sun had gone down hours ago and the moon’s light bounced along the gentle slap of waves. He hadn’t realized how much time he’d lost. “I didn’t realize.”

“What’s wrong?”

Castiel shook his head, “Nothing, Tessa. Nothing. I need to get to my assignments. Thank you for reminding me.”

…

Tessa allowed him some space and while he was grateful for it, it did nothing to stop the strange feelings crawling through him. He’d tried his previous technique, simply pushing them away with thoughts but it didn’t help. Possibly the dumbest thing he’d done was check in on Dean to see if Lisa was still with him. She was, and they were wrapped up in a tight embrace on the couch, kissing.

The aching feeling had only worsened.

“Cas. Seriously, what’s wrong?” Tessa asked, expression stormy. She’d followed him to a quiet place in Taiwan.

“I told you, it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. You’ve been grumpy and difficult to deal with. Even Gabriel’s noticed and nothing ruffles his feathers.”

Castiel grunted, trying to get away but Tessa followed. “Talk. To. Me.” She grabbed him by his jacket sleeve.

Castiel pulled his arm away from Tessa’s and stood there silently. He knew he’d give in, he always did. Tessa was one of the few people who could out stubborn him.

“It’s Dean.”

“I figured.”

“Do you want to know or not?” Castiel snapped, crossing his arms.

Tessa sighed and held her hands up in a placating gesture.

“I went to visit him and he was there with a woman.”

“A woman?”

“Yes, her name is Lisa and I believe they are intimate.”

Tessa frowned, confused. “That sounds like a good thing. I thought you wanted someone to take care of Dean.”

“I do, and I should be happy, elated, but I’m not. This is a good thing, a very good thing, but I can’t be happy for him and I don’t understand why. Every time I see her I am filled with this,” Castiel struggled for words, gesturing with his hands. “It’s unpleasant. There’s anger and sadness and so many feelings mixed together. I don’t know what is going on. I’ve never experienced this.”

Tessa watched him for a moment before her expression shifted to surprise then concern. “Well, we’ll figure it out. Maybe next time I come with? See if we can’t figure it out?”

Castiel agreed, not realizing that next time would happen a lot faster than he expected.

His next call was at a yoga studio and a quick look around informed him that Lisa owned it. The floors were covered in colored mats, the front desk just stuck to the corner of the wide area. The people there were walking around, panicked or crying a little. Lisa walked from person to person, trying to calm them down. She had a brave face but it was clear from the way her soul vibrated that she was upset.

“That’s Lisa?” Tessa asked as Castiel waited for the spirit to emerge.

A clot in his brain had taken the person they were waiting for. He laid on top of a worn green mat, nose bleeding gently. Lisa herded her other students away from him.

“Yes it is.”

He turned away when he heard the door jingle and his heart soared, his spirit on fire. Dean walked in, wearing jeans and a tight black t-shirt, so Castiel knew he wasn’t here for the body. He wasn’t on duty.

“What’s wrong?” Dean walked forward, putting his phone into his pocket.

“What’s going?!” Castiel turned to the soul, dealing with it as quickly as he could, even using a little bit of his power to ease the soul’s anxiety level. He finished his job quickly and turned to find Dean again.

Dean had his arms wrapped tightly around Lisa, who was sobbing into his shoulder. He moved back, lifted her head a little and kissed her, whispering soothing things into her ear. Castiel clenched his hands together, that feeling rising up in him with its usual force and he turned away.

“Oh.”

Castiel looked at Tessa, glowering at her. “What?”

Tessa looked confused and concerned. Castiel turned away, tired of that expression on her face. She placed a hand onto Castiel’s forearm. “Jealousy, Castiel. I think it’s jealousy.”

Castiel frowned now confused himself. “Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous about?”

Tessa’s grip on his arm tightened and she glanced back at Dean and then to Castiel. The worry in her face made Castiel feel cold. “I think you care about him.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and pulled his arm away, “Of course I care about him.”

Tessa shook her head and stepped forward, following him. She placed her hand on his chest and looked up, a small trace of fear in her eyes. “No, Cas. I think you _care_ for him.” Castiel froze underneath Tessa’s touch. His heart raced for reasons he couldn’t understand. Tessa turned to look at Dean once more and shook her head. “Castiel, he’s mortal. He’s human.”

“I know,” Castiel said, sounding utterly confused.

“Castiel, you know exactly what I’m talking about.” She shook her head, expression filled with pity. “Relationships, romantic ones especially do not end well for either of the creatures involved with reapers. You know the stories, you know how bad they get.”

Castiel shook his head, disbelieving. “I’m not- I’m not,” he turned to look at Dean and felt his entire being soar.

Fear replaced it very quickly.

The fear chased him away from Dean, this time more permanently.

Tessa had scared him. He knew the horror stories of romance between the void and things that existed outside of it. Reapers themselves spiraling into madness and hollowness. The creatures they were courting doing the same. The tragedy of death when a romantic partner wanted to follow them into the void only being one of the causes.

Spirits couldn’t last in the void.

It was only for reapers, everything else crumbled here.

This celibacy from Dean worked for months, until he had to reap a soul in Dean’s apartment, just across the hallway. They passed quickly.

Castiel looked at Dean’s door. Even without seeing him for months the fire was still there. His body burned with it.

“Why am I doing this?” Castiel asked himself as he prepared to go in. Perhaps as some sort of sick punishment to himself.

Castiel was shocked at what he found.

Dean was sitting on the couch, drinking again, looking very upset. He glanced at the clock, it wasn’t even 2 yet and Lisa was nowhere to be seen.

Castiel vowed to himself to leave it alone but old habits died hard. After casually hounding a few of his fellow reapers he figured out the reason Dean was drinking. Victor, one of his best friends and mentors, had died of a serious heart condition. No one had noticed until it was too late.

Memories of Dean struggling filled Castiel and once more he bent the rules for himself. He ignored Tessa’s warning and visited Dean that night.

Castiel was glad to see that he wasn’t on the couch but instead in bed, though he was tossing and turning.

“A nightmare,” Castiel said out loud and walked over, concerned at the way Dean whimpered and struggled in his sheets. Castiel stood there, unsure of himself. What he’d done previously, putting him to bed, had worked for one problem, and generally Dean’s sleep had seemed peaceful.

This was different. He couldn’t put Dean into a deeper slumber, that didn’t make any sense. The nightmares especially could become worse, more vivid. Castiel sighed and braced himself, this was exactly the type of stupid thing he didn’t want to do. It was completely idiotic but he’d once heard a poet claim that all those who were… well, who _cared for_ someone were fools.

“Dean,” Castiel said softly as he pushed himself into full corporeal form. He reached his hand out and shook at Dean’s shoulder. “Dean!” He said louder, grabbing the other shoulder as well.

Castiel jumped back just as Dean’s eyes snapped open, his arm shot out in front of him and a cry of “Ellen!” slipped past his lips. Dean dropped back down into the bed, covered in sweat, his arms shaking. He held his fists over his eyes and Castiel watched as tears bubbled up underneath them.

** **

Castiel’s heart broke as Dean stood up from the bed and stumbled into the living room. He reached underneath a cabinet and pulled out a bottle.

He stayed until Dean fell asleep on the couch again.

…

Despite Tessa’s warnings, Castiel started visiting Dean regularly. Not nearly as often as before, and work kept him busy, but he popped in every now and then to check on him. Guilt filled him every time he leaned over and woke Dean from a nightmare. The dreams were awful and the small seconds of physical touching that Castiel received from it didn’t seem worth it. Castiel continued to tuck him in on the couch and pre-emptively kept the apartment clean.

Dean recovered faster this time and Castiel was happy, if not concerned. Dean went to work and came home and kept his drinking to a minimum but there was a change in him, a massive change.

Dean stumbled into the door, cursing as he patted at a bad burn on his arm. Sam followed after him, yelling at him about Dean being reckless about something. No doubt it had to do with his job.

Castiel kept to the shadows, glad to see that Dean wasn’t alone, but he was concerned.

Dean? Reckless? He’d always been brave but never reckless.

Castiel was tempted to reach out himself and yell, but he judged by the way that Sam was walking around the apartment that it would be handled. Dean had other people to worry about him. Besides, he was a part of the void.

…

Then it happened.

…

Castiel groaned when his being was tugged to a new assignment. He’d barely finished with the last one and contrary to what anyone believed, in the void, even reapers could get tired. They could run out of juice and Castiel was very nearly on the brink of it. He needed a break.

Wistfully he even wished that Tessa would show up to bother him with a food errand for Death.

“One more,” Castiel told himself as he materialized at the next location. Castiel opened his eyes and nearly collapsed to the floor.

Dean stood there, looking down at his body.

“Who the hell are you!?”

Castiel shuddered, not expecting Dean to look at him. Dean could see him. Really see him. He felt chills crawling along his body. Dean had such a stern, strong gaze. Castiel’s entire ‘welcome to the afterlife’ speech tumbled out of his mind to be left where it may. “Castiel.”

“What the hell are you?! What the fuck is going on?” Dean demanded and stomped into Castiel’s space. He grabbed the lapels of Castiel’s coat and he tried not to faint where he stood.

“I’m a reaper. You’re dead.”


	4. Chapter 3

Most people needed to be eased into their death but from Castiel’s subtle stalking he knew that ripping the bandaid off was better when it came to Dean.

Dean immediately stepped back, turning around to look at his body then moved straight back into Castiel’s personal space. He was furious. Dean huffed and stroked his hands through his short hair and then leaned over, running them down his denim covered thighs.

“Dead? I can’t be dead!”

Castiel felt flustered and off balance. The feeling played tricks on his tongue. Besides, he was angry. Dean was an idiot. He shouldn’t have been expected to be at the top of his game. “It’s what happens when you rush into an emergency situation without waiting for back up.”

“I’m not dead.”

Castiel sighed, already exhausted. He didn’t want to fight with Dean and his own emotions at the same time. Instead, Castiel remained quiet, letting Dean fume out his frustration. He’d seen it work for him before when he was alive. A little yelling and a little pacing and Dean was good as gold.

Dean stomped around his body, hands pulling and tugging sharply in his hair. He cursed and kneeled down, balancing on the balls of his feet. They stayed for a while longer and watched as the woman he’d rushed into the store to save, luckily alive though terrified, tried to take in deep breaths. Her eyes were wide and focused on the body bleeding on the floor. Dean moved back and watched as the police stormed in, shooting the gunman dead. The death was a little dramatic but he _had_ murdered ‘one of their own’.

At least the woman was alive.

Castiel tried not to look at the corpse on the floor. For the first time the body really bothered him. Still, he couldn’t lie. Castiel’s heart hadn’t stopped hammering in his chest. He was finally speaking to Dean.

“Put me back in my body you son of a bitch!” Dean reached out to touch him and Castiel nearly fainted. His body buzzed from just the brush of Dean’s fingertips.

Dean was powerful.

He shouldn’t have been able to touch him.

Shocked and surprised Castiel forgot himself. “I can’t… Dean, I really can’t.”

Dean paused, whirling angrily towards him. “How do you know my name?!”

Castiel stuttered, shocked. All that ran through his mind were the nights he’d stayed by Dean’s side, the good and the bad. The family dinners he’d snuck to. The intimate moments he had witnessed. His mind was so full of just _Dean_ that Castiel nearly forgot what he was.

He was a reaper. They were given a name and a location and tiny bits of information to help move the spirit along. Castiel collected himself and squared his shoulders. He was a professional. “All reapers inherently know that information, Dean.”

Dean paced back and forth, not even noticing how he passed through the people trying to take control of the situation. “Well, you can’t make me go,” Dean nearly screamed, pointing at Castiel.

Their ‘argument’ was interrupted by other EMT’s rushing in. One of the women kneeled next to Dean’s form, tears in her eyes. Castiel watched as they fruitlessly tried to patch him up and breathe life back into him.

“I’m right here guys! Fuck, I’m right here!” Dean cursed as he marched around his body, trying in vain to touch his team as they worked on his body.

Castiel felt awful and found himself for once wishing and wanting to see Meg. Anything to make sure neither of them had to be standing there. Regardless of the cost of it. Castiel found himself also wanting to put Dean’s soul back into his body himself but it was impossible for him. He wouldn’t even know where to start. Perhaps one day he’d consult Meg on it.

“Put me back, god damn it.”

Castiel shook his head and frowned. It was Dean’s time. It would take something more powerful than him to make it happen. “I can’t, Dean. It’s not in my power.”

Castiel watched with a heavy heart as they loaded Dean’s body onto a carrier and into the back of the ambulance. They’d put him in a body bag next. Dean started to move forward, chasing after his corpse. Castiel sighed and followed behind him. Dean’s stubbornness carried through into death and with his emotions running high and with the shocking amount of sheer power Dean’s soul already had it was better to follow along. Someone could get hurt. He didn’t want Dean going anywhere on his own.

They hit the hospital soon enough and Castiel finally had to try and reign him in. “Dean. Dean! DEAN!”

Dean whirled around, rage and panic playing across his face. “What?!”

Castiel tried to control his own emotions. “Do you really want to see yourself in the morgue?”

Dean’s eyes turned cold and stubborn. “Yes.”

Castiel resigned himself to what was going to happen. He followed Dean through the obnoxiously bright hallways as he tried to make his way through the hospital with very little success. Death was disorienting and he didn’t feel like helping Dean find his way to the morgue. Castiel stayed silent. He’d never expected to reap Dean but then again he knew he’d probably never have let anyone else do it. He just hadn’t expected it to be so soon. He’d assumed it would be when the man was old and gray, of liver or kidney failure. That or sheer old age.

This was a disaster.

Castiel walked down the corridor and knew they weren’t headed to the morgue. He caught up to Dean and placed his hand on his shoulder, shocked again at how solid he felt. “Dean, they’re not resuscitating.”

Dean shook his head and flashed out of existence. Castiel followed his soul to the morgue, standing at the side as they placed him on the examination table.

“This isn’t happening.”

“You really don’t want to see this, Dean.”

Dean shook his head again and watched them unload his body and unzip it.

Dead. Completely dead.

“This isn’t real, this isn’t happening. It’s a bad dream. I really gotta lay off the alcohol.”

“It’s very real, I’m sorry.”

“I have things to do! This can’t be it- whatever the hell your name was.”

“Castiel.”

“Castiel then!”

Castiel felt an unexpected rush of emotion when Dean said his name. It made him feel light.

“You can’t make me go!”

Castiel’s entire demeanor flattened. If a spirit asked, they had to answer. This had nothing to do with his feeling flustered about Dean either. “No, I can’t make you leave.”

Dean looked smug. “So there _is_ a way back.”

Castiel hesitated and he noticed the moment Dean took that as a yes. Nothing he could do now would be able to convince him otherwise. Someone else could bargain for his soul, which is how most of Meg’s business went down, or they could be so powerful that they could accept payment from the soul directly like Lucifer or Lillith, and they were as morally corrupt as they were powerful. (Even though morals technically had nothing to do with their realm.)

Nothing good happened to the souls that sold themselves.

Even then there was a time limit. If the body was too rotted or decayed… Castiel shuddered. He’d heard horror stories, told gleefully by the reapers that had committed them, of putting the souls into rotted or buried bodies because the request from their charges wasn’t specific enough.

Dean moved forward, grabbing onto Castiel’s arm. “I’m not leaving your side until you get me back in my fucking body,” Dean announced.

Castiel sighed and glanced to the side where they were starting Dean’s autopsy. Something he didn’t understand. There was a gigantic bullet hole in Dean’s head what did they still need to figure out?

“Oh god,” Dean whispered, looking at them open his body up.

Castiel took Dean by the arm, dampening down the thrill of touching Dean. He appeared at his clifftop, wishing the situation was different and that Dean wasn’t so hostile. The view was beautiful and it was one his favorite places. Dean should’ve felt honored to share this place with Castiel.

“Dean.”

“What?”

“It’s not a good idea for you to stay.”

“Bullshit, you just want to get rid of me.”

Castiel held back a ‘that’s the last thing I want’ and shook his head. “Dean. Spirits that don’t move on- bad things happen to them.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and felt frustrated just as another call tugged at his being. Castiel never cursed but he felt like it now. He couldn’t continue to argue with Dean, and more than that, it wasn’t as if he would believe him. He’d have more success teaching poetry to fish.

“Dean.”

“Castiel.”

Castiel sighed and his shoulders tensed. “Dean, I have to go. Just stay here.” Castiel began to faze and Dean launched forward, gripping Castiel closely. A sharp bolt of energy passed through him.

A link had formed.

It wasn’t very strong but Dean had formed a link with him.

This had no chance of leading to anything good but Castiel felt a little exhilarated. He’d never had a bond like this before especially with something ‘living’. There was a vibrancy to it that didn’t exist naturally in the void. It was terrifying and complicated.

At least the unseen benefit to it was that that he _was_ connected to Dean. Hopefully it would give him some control over the man.

The tug of the soul flared brighter and Castiel had to answer the call. He had to go but he didn’t trust Dean on his own. Yes, the cliff was isolated and relatively safe but with Dean’s emotional instability it seemed unwise to leave him on his own there either. A man that could start a fight with an empty room would surely find a way to create a disaster in isolation.

Castiel huffed and leaned forward, grabbing onto Dean’s shoulder. “Fine,” Castiel snapped.

He pulled Dean along with him. He’d barely even remembered the name that he’d been given as he’d been fighting with Dean. Luckily it was someone old, ready to go, and it didn’t take a lot of fuss. Dean’s unstable grasp on his afterlife self was also thankfully very shaky and Castiel could easily keep him contained.

“It’s been a very long time,” the old man, Paavo, said, laughing as he looked around his place. It was a small, cozy apartment. Warm in its colors and decorated with memories, even though many were covered in a fine layer of dust. His body rested in the recliner in the corner, angled towards the ancient radio. He had a colorful blanket over his legs and a book in his lap. He’d passed away in his sleep.

Castiel gave a small smile at the man. He looked around all of the pictures tucked into every free space available, filled with different faces. “I can only imagine.”

“I have to admit, I didn’t think that this is what it would’ve been like.”

Castiel walked forward, holding his hand out, “No one really expects their death.”

“Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.” Paavo paused, stopping his reaching out to Castiel. “My family?”

“Will know you died peacefully,” Castiel assured him. It wasn’t his promise, just experience. The EMT’s would arrive, he knew enough that there was a nurse that was supposed to check in on him in about an hour, and they would tell the family that he passed in his sleep.

“Good, excellent. Come on now, sonny. Don’t want to keep the misuses waiting!”

Castiel smiled at the old man’s energy and took his hand into both of his own. There was a soft glow and Castiel felt him move on. It was done.

He glanced back at Dean and was happy that he hadn’t really said anything or reacted while he’d been doing his job. Castiel readied them to go just when Dean snapped out of his silence. He crossed his arms, glaring at Castiel.

“So, where’d you send that poor sucker?”

Castiel didn’t answer. He felt frustrated and to be honest, he didn’t know where the souls passed to. He wasn’t going to entertain Dean on that either. Instead, Castiel collected himself and looked at Dean. “It’s the natural order.”

“That doesn’t answer my damn question.”

Castiel didn’t even have a chance to respond when he felt the air in the room shift.

“Cas! I was looking for yo-” Tessa paused, her eyes going wide. Her expression shifted from deep concern to surprise. “Oh! I mean.” She looked back and forth between Dean and Cas. “Oh wow. I didn’t think. This isn’t…”

Castiel was glad to see her and nearly walked over to wrap her into a gigantic hug. He needed all the support he could get. “He won’t move on.”

Dean grinned and moved past Castiel, a smile on his face for the first time since he’d died. “So you’re a reaper too?” Dean asked, holding his hand out. He winked and touched his other hand over Tessa’s hand when she reached over to shake his. “What’s your name, gorgeous?”

Castiel felt stung. He stood back and watched with envy as Dean smiled and flirted with Tessa. Their conversation was easy, natural, and nothing like the experience he’d had so far with Dean. His palms felt like they were stinging.

Perhaps if Tessa had answered the call Dean would have moved on already.

Happy and safe.

Tessa, because she was amazing and loved him, looked at him and immediately diverted the conversation, not responding to Dean’s flirtation’s outside of a few polite acknowledgements. Tessa put on her best smile and turned to Dean. She tilted her head to the side and gave him a somber look. She walked forward, putting a gentle hand onto Dean’s forearm. “Dean, if it is your time to pass it really is your time to pass. It can be very…”

Dean stepped back, and threw Tessa’s arm off of his. He glared at them, rage building up again. “You can’t make me! Cas here already told me you guys couldn’t!”

Tessa’s shoulders drooped and she rubbed her hand up and down her arm. She sent Castiel a quick, pitying look. “There are consequences, Dean.”

“I’m. Not. Leaving. Until Castiel fixes this shit!”

Castiel sighed and moved a little closer to Tessa. “I’m letting him tag along for now.”

Tessa gave Dean another one of her charming smiles that could temporarily distract even the toughest customer. She pulled Castiel a little closer and leaned her mouth near the side of his face. “Cas… I hope you know what you’re doing.”

Castiel reached his hand up and cupped her elbow, holding her close. “Tessa, please.”

Tessa shook her head but gave Castiel a gentle smile. She pulled him close and wrapped her arms tightly around him. “Well, I guess if he won’t go, there’s nothing much you can do. You could, of course, just leave him here. He’s not advanced enough to follow you around. He’s a spirit, Cas…”

“Leave him?” Castiel moved a little away from the hug. “With his emotional state-”

“I know the risks, but I’m also worried about you.”

“I still can’t leave him behind,” Castiel said and then felt himself tugged backwards.

Dean had somehow overheard them. He latched onto Castiel’s arm and gave Tessa a glare. She looked at Castiel, shocked.

It was good to know that he wasn’t the only one that was caught off balance at Dean’s strength. Unless the reaper chose it, spirits shouldn’t have been able to touch them. Especially so freshly dead. Castiel could guarantee that he had not given permission or prepared for Dean to touch him. All of their interactions had been massive surprises for him.

“You’re not going anywhere without me.”

Castiel looked up at the fierceness in his eyes and his heart beat wildly. If he’d had breath to spare, it would’ve stopped. Dean’s eyes were so green. He’d known this of course from the hours he’d spent memorizing Dean’s face. But now, when they were staring him down…

It made him shiver.

Castiel gave Tessa a panicked look. He couldn’t leave him.

Tessa put a hand onto her hip and shifted her stance. “I know, Castiel. I’ll help where I can. I’ll-” Tessa sighed and gave Castiel a pitying look. “I’ll see you later.”

Tessa faded out of existence slowly and Dean tried to go after her.

“Where’d she go?”

“To do her job.”

Castiel took them to the cliff where he was sure he could keep Dean out of trouble. They watched the sun disappearing behind the horizon. Dean was silent. Castiel looked out at the water and tried to think of what to do next. He knew what happened to souls but there was nothing he could do to force Dean to move forward. There just wasn’t.

“So… what now?

Castiel startled a little, not expecting Dean to start talking to him.  “Excuse me?”

“What do you do outside of killing people?

Castiel glowered at Dean, feeling insulted. For the first time he found himself insanely irritated by him. He wasn’t nearly as charming dead as he had been alive. “I do my job and I exist. And for your information, I collect souls. I don’t kill them.”

“Killing and existing,” Dean countered, looking arrogant. “What an exciting lifestyle.”

Castiel prepared himself to argue but found he didn’t have much to defend himself with. Other reapers thought his routine was boring as well, of course, outside of Castiel’s favorite pastime. And he couldn’t exactly tell the other reapers, and Dean especially, that for a while his favorite hobby had been to follow Dean around.

He was saved from answering by another call to a spirit. Dean, luckily, stayed quiet.

She was a lovely elderly woman, Sasha, and even though Castiel didn’t know how to properly respond, she was kind and even a little flirty with him.

“I got lucky, didn’t I,” she said, winking at Dean.

Castiel hid his surprise. She shouldn’t have been able to see him. He steadied himself and refused to look back at Dean.

“Well I’m glad you think so. Death can be a very-”

She chuckled, glancing at her body down in the hospital bed. “I’m an old woman.”

“Not that old,” Castiel countered with as warm a smile he could muster. Anael had once told him he had horrible bedside manner. He’d been working to improve it.

“Old enough. Oh, I cannot wait. It will be nice to see my mother again.”

Castiel held out his hand she took it, moving forward.

Luckily, most of the reapings he dragged Dean to held this flavor. Some of the silence concerned him but he had too much work to do to pause and worry about it.

Then Dean started flickering.

“Ca- Cas? What the hell is going on?”

Castiel wanted to reach forward to assure him but there wasn’t much he could do. Dean was newly dead and tired. Existing took a surprisingly large amount of work and Dean was at his limit. He’d been waiting for this to happen but in truth he was terrified. Dean wasn’t like any other spirit he’d seen. What would happen to him when he flickered out?

Dean flickered again, fear clear on his face, and Castiel reached forward, putting two gentle fingers to his forehead in an attempt to stabilize him. He pushed his own energy into him, trying to keep him where he was.

Dean rocked forward and Castiel had to move quickly to gather Dean into his arms. He collapsed, eyes closed and breathing even.

Castiel could only stare.

Dean was asleep.

Ghosts didn’t sleep.


	5. Chapter 4

Dean woke up disoriented in the ratty motel room Castiel had found for them.

Castiel leaned over him, terrified and fretting. It almost looked like Dean was just waking up after a long night but it didn’t help him feel any better. This wasn’t natural.

His feelings twisted around when Dean’s emotion radiated over him. Castiel coughed and blushed.

Dean thought he’d gotten lucky. His smile was lazy as he stretched. There was a twinkle in his eye as he took Castiel in.

For the first time Castiel felt something positive coming his way from Dean.

Dean thought he was attractive.

Dean would’ve been happy waking up with him there.

The warmth was chilled out of him the moment Dean remembered the true reason Castiel was there.

He was dead.

“Hey asshole, what the hell did you do to me?” Dean snapped, tossing himself out of the motel bed. He crossed his arms and glared.

Castiel shifted to the side a little. He didn’t really have a good answer. “That was… unexpected. It was supposed to just stabilize you.”

Dean stared, distrust radiating off of him until his stomach growled. Now it was Castiel’s turn to stare.

“That… shouldn’t be happening either.”

Dean scoffed, rubbing a hand across his stomach. “Well, I don’t think my gut cares if it’s supposed to be happening. I’m hungry.”

Dean flitted out of existence again and Castiel felt himself panicking for what seemed like the thousandth time, but recovered quickly. He could still feel Dean. With a sigh he tugged on the connection Dean had made between them and pulled him back.

Dean reappeared in the motel room, a large sandwich in hand.

Castiel tried not to let his jaw drop. He was a reaper. He shouldn’t appear so easily impressed even if what Dean was doing was nearly unheard of. “You shouldn’t be able to do that either.”

Dean looked up just as the sandwich slipped through his hands. The wrapping around it kept it from completely falling apart but lettuce and meat were strewn around the dirty, stained carpet. “Damn it!” Dean cursed and tried to pick it up again only to have his fingers pass through it.

“Dean…”

Dean ignored him and tried again and again in vain, his frustration growing with every attempt. The lights started to flicker.

Castiel moved forward and grabbed Dean by the upper arm, “Dean! Stop!”

The second they connected, Dean’s hand curled around the sandwich again. “Fucking, finally,” Dean muttered as he brought it to his mouth, taking a large bite before it had a chance to fall again. The energy in the motel room dropped significantly as Dean happily ate away.

Castiel kept his hand gently on Dean. It baffled him. The only thing he could think of was that when he’d attempted to stabilize Dean he’d put a little too much of his power into Dean. He shouldn’t have been strong enough or old enough to affect things on his own. Perhaps being around Castiel had boosted his natural abilities. At least it was the only theory he could fathom to explain it.

“Is there a reason you’re holding onto me?”

Castiel was pulled out of his thoughts and he looked down at the hand he still kept on Dean’s bicep. He moved away slowly, watching the sandwich slip a little but Dean ate it before it could fall down to the floor. Castiel continued to back away, feeling very off balanced, odd, but tingling.

Dean was electric.

“So? About getting me back into my body?”

Castiel immediately felt frustrated again. “It’s not possible, Dean.”

“Bullshit it isn’t.”

Castiel refused to answer.

…

For the most part, Dean’s presence wasn’t a complete hindrance. Castiel reaped his souls and kept a steady eye on Dean’s flickering. It helped that Castiel could keep him hidden, even though he could hear Dean as he muttered away and objected, it didn’t really affect his work.

And it _was_ fine, until Dean lost him a soul.

Castiel turned around, shocked when the soul’s eyes flitted to Dean.

“Oh hey! Finally one of ‘em sees me again, huh?”

The man’s eyes widened. “What- what is this?”

Dean laughed and gave Castiel a mean look. “This, buddy, is death. Apparently.”

“So, you’re dead too.”

“Hate to tell ya.”

“What are you- what are you still doing here?” Prestin looked between the two of them and Castiel could see him start to become terrified. The soul vibrated with fear.

“Trapped with this guy,” Dean said as he pointed his thumb at Castiel.

“What?” Castiel snapped.

“Trapped! Oh god. Oh no. I knew it. I knew. You won’t- you can’t take me! You won’t take me!”

Castiel turned back around to the spirit, trying to calm him down but it was gone.

“What did you do?” Castiel bit out and stalked towards Dean.

“The right thing.”

Castiel resisted the urge to hit Dean. He’d never been violent before and he wasn’t going to start now. Of course that didn’t mean that Dean wasn’t an expert at testing his patience.

At least Castiel had figured that with his power Dean’s interference would’ve been a onetime thing. But no.

Dean had figured out that he could interact with the souls and took great pleasure in it.

Castiel stood to the side, the girl already having dismissed him all together. He watched as Dean comforted her, telling her that she could stay. That she didn’t have to leave. Everything would be ok. Perhaps if Dean hadn’t so successfully overtaken the reaping Castiel could’ve saved it.

Could’ve saved what would happen in the future.

Dean wasn’t aware of it, and at the moment Dean wouldn’t believe anything he would say, but the way she died…

The girl may have looked peaceful now, not a lot of trauma visible (most fresh spirits didn’t reflect their death), but her death had been violent. Without fail, violent death’s always created violent spirits, and at a rapid rate. Frustrated Castiel took in a deep breath and shoved all of his power into Dean. He pushed him into the background.

He wished Tessa were here.

“Kelly,” Castiel said, moving forward. She looked at him, terrified.

“Where- where did the other guy go?”

Castiel took a deep breath and resigned himself. He was going to lie. Balthazar would be proud. “Into nothingness.”

Kelly looked even more terrified. She started flickering and Castiel moved closer, putting on his kindest expression. Something he hoped looked comforting. “It was unfair of him to lie to you.”

“L-lie to me?”

Castiel nodded, “He is a spirit, and desperate for company, but if you do not move forward this could be your fate.”

“My fate? But…” Kelly huddled into herself. “I’m scared. What’s after? _What’s after?”_

Castiel smiled, “I can’t tell you. But surely it is better, than a confused nothingness.”

“Will I go alone?” Kelly asked, shaking.

Castiel shook his head and held his hand out, “No. I will go with you.”

Kelly looked at him relieved, and nodded. She walked forward and very timidly put her hand in his. Castiel felt relieved as she moved past the void. Dean was still nowhere to be seen, pushed into the background, and couldn’t figure his way to visibility. It gave Castiel a wonderfully relaxed few moments to breathe. He’d never expected to want a reprieve from Dean.

He materialized in the same motel room he’d first put Dean in, incredibly happy it was still vacated. He drew the blinds shut so that the other people milling about wouldn’t accidentally see in. Dean was unpredictable.

He braced himself and pulled Dean back.

“What the fuck just happened?!” Dean screamed at him, shoving at his shoulders.

Castiel stumbled back with the force of it. He’d expected a reaction but not one this strong. “Dean-“

“What did you do to me?!”

Castiel straightened himself. He wouldn’t let Dean push him around. “You’re a spirit, Dean.”

“I got that.”

“It means-”

Dean interrupted him, building himself up. “I don’t give a shit what it means. This would all be a lot easier if you just popped me back where I belong.”

“Dean, you’re being infuriating.”

Dean plopped down onto the ratty two seater couch, settling in comfortably instead of falling through it. Dean looked smugly at him, the anger still dancing in the background of his expression. “I’ll have you know, I’m an older brother. I’ll wear you down.”

Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes, “I know. To Sam.”

Castiel should’ve know better.

Dean sprung up off of the couch and marched towards him. Castiel tried not to flinch, but he’d seen Dean throw a punch. Dean continued to move forward and yanked him up by collar. “Don’t you dare fucking touch him.”

Castiel frowned and tried to move away from Dean’s grip. He dropped his head and muttered silently to himself, “You were more charming alive.”

Dean started to push him further back when another call came in. Castiel gritted his teeth and felt his entire body clench. He should’ve kept Dean away longer. At the very least he felt a tug from another reaper nearby. Tessa.

“Come on,” Castiel snapped, grabbing onto Dean’s arm and pulling him along. Perhaps Tessa could manage to reign him in.

All thoughts of Dean evaporated when he came onto the scene. Tessa barely spared a glance to Dean as they looked at the little girl, standing terrified next to her body. Around her, an older male dressed in a white stained shirt, paced, frantic.

Her father.

There were bruises on her throat.

Castiel took in a deep breath, “Dean. I know how you feel, but please. _Please,_ let us handle this.” He turned around, walking close to Dean and dragging his hands into his own. He held on tightly, eyes wide and pleading. “Dean.”

Dean glanced back and forth between Castiel and the scene. Dean’s eyes were sad and filled with remorse. Due to his job it was a scene he was all too familiar with. Whether it was Castiel’s begging or just being too shocked, he stayed quiet.

Castiel felt unhappiness radiating off of Dean as they walked towards the little girl but he stayed out of sight.

“Hey there Susan.”

The girl sniffed and looked up with wide eyes. She didn’t say anything. Tessa kneeled down to her level and brushed her fingertips near the child’s face. She gently stroked through her hair. “My name is Tessa.”

“Hi, Tessa.”

Castiel smiled and knelt down as well. Susan moved a little closer to Tessa, confused about the new person. Tessa let her move near and reached a hand out to Castiel. He took it and held it tight. “This is Castiel, Susan.”

“Hi, Castiel.”

Castiel smiled. “It’s okay Susan. Do you know what happened?”

Susan shook her head but before she could look around Tessa interrupted, keeping the focus on herself. “You’re safe now.” Susan sniffled and shook her head. Tessa gently turned her, trying not to touch her too much. “I promise.”

“You promise?”

“I promise, and Castiel promises too, huh?”

Castiel nodded and moved so that he was sitting cross-legged on the floor, now almost lower than the child. It was something that Hannah had instilled in him when dealing with child spirits. They were less intimated when you didn’t tower over them. “I promise. Susan, you’re passed on now.”

“Passed on?” she asked, wiping snot from her nose with a sleeve that flopped a few inches over her tiny fist.

“Do you know what that means?” Tessa asked.

Susan nodded, “Mommy used to say that when it was time to go, angels would pick you up.” She brightened, suddenly not looking as afraid. “Are you angels?”

Tessa smiled and nodded, “Yes, Susan. We’re angels.”

“Are you gonna take me to mommy?” Susan asked, excited.

Tessa nodded again, “Yes, sweetie. We are. But you have to come with us right now.”

“I don’t have to go alone?” she asked, turning to Castiel.

He shook his head and smiled, “No, Susan. We’ll be with you.”

They held out their hands and Susan grabbed both of them tightly. It only took a few moments but she passed on.

“That was rough,” Tessa commented with a side glance at Dean. He stood there, scowling.

Castiel gestured for her to leave it. It was better for her to leave Dean alone. He would handle it. “We did what we could.”

Tessa looked over as Dean snorted and moved forward. She turned them both away from Dean. “Are you ok?”

Castiel nodded and held her closer. “I promise you, I’m all right.”

“Keep an eye on yourself,” Tessa said as she was called to another reaping.

…

Castiel had hoped that the incident with the little girl would have softened Dean up but instead it made him more difficult to deal with.

He’d lost four souls because of Dean and luckily his frustration had taken over, and he’d shoved Dean into the background for his next one.

“Hey there, Clarence.”

“Meg,” Castiel hissed. He was tense, waiting to see if Meg could sense Dean.

She couldn’t.

For the first time he’d managed to push Dean into the background successfully and Meg had to be there. He didn’t know how long it would last.

“Woah there, angel face,” Meg laughed, holding her hands up. “Someone’s got something sharp and big up their nice, firm ass.”

Castiel sighed and ran a tired hand across his face, “What do you want, Meg?”

Meg smiled and moved closer, she ran her hand down Castiel’s arm and shifted up. He tried not to move back as Meg’s other arm wrapped around the back of his neck, her thumb played at the small tuffs of hair that lingered there. She leaned up to his ear, “This one’s mine, Clarence.”

“Meg.”

Meg tutted and moved towards the spirit. “Let’s get you back where you belong, huh?” She lifted her hand to his forehead and within seconds he was back in his body, alive and breathing.

Castiel felt Dean start to rev up and immediately took him from the scene to the motel room. “Dean,” Castiel started, holding his hands up, trying to calm the impending storm.

“What was that, Cas?” Dean said, terrifyingly quiet.

Castiel swallowed, feeling nervous. He preferred Dean yelling at him. When he was yelling at least he could get a read on what was going through Dean’s head. “Dean.”

“She just put that guy back into his body.”

Castiel nodded. “She did.”

“So it can be done.”

Castiel sighed, “I told you, it’s very difficult and not everyone-“

“That guy was an alcoholic wife-beater! And you guys _put him back into his body- a-ok?!I”_ Dean growled out, stalking forward. Castiel stepped back as he noticed the lights start to flicker.

“Dean, please,” Castiel said, voice tense. His eyes darted around the room.

“You sick son’s of bitches! That little girl- Susan. SHE DESERVED A DAMN SECOND CHANCE!”

Castiel stepped back further, trying to push some of his energy into Dean to quiet him down. It wasn’t working.

“THERE WAS NO ONE TO HELP HER AND YOU LIED – YOU-!”

The lights in the entire room shattered, glass raining down on them.

“What just happened?” Dean asked looking around, emotions continuing to swirl. “What the hell is happening, CAS?!”

Castiel inched forward, panicked, now. There were people approaching. If Dean didn’t control himself something bad would happen. The massive amount of damage that an errant spirit could cause wasn’t nearly infinite. He’d once heard of a spirit Kali had to reign in. It had caused an earth quake before she nearly burnt it out of existence.

Dean’s emotions escalated the more Castiel tried to placate him. Even though Dean couldn’t see it the lights in the next four rooms exploded and the motel room behind their yellowing wall lost power.

The couple outside of their door was closer.

Dean would never forgive himself if he hurt them.

Castiel rushed forward. “DEAN.” He slammed him back, surprised at the force behind him. “You are going to control yourself. **Now.** Before you hurt someone.”

“Hurt someone?! Listen jackass-!”

Dean pushed him back. He struggled against Castiel’s grip but Castiel pushed forward, eventually slamming him against the wall fully. “Dean. Stop. Now.”

Dean fought back again and rammed his elbow into Castiel’s chin.

The lights at the gas station across the street exploded and screams followed it.

“What was that?” Dean panted out, listening in closely.

Castiel adjusted his stance but refused to let go. He pulled them through the wall and dragged Dean across the street. It felt a little cruel but Dean had to understand. He just had to. Dean’s energy swirled into nothing. Castiel let his arm go and watched in the background as Dean walked closer.

There was a woman on the ground, holding a hand to her head. She sobbed, pulling her hand away from her hair. It came away tacky with blood that shone in the flickering gas station lighting. People rushed towards her and held her hand back as she tried to pull it back. There was glass embedded in her hair.

Dean looked up to see the lights he’d shattered above the pumps.

Castiel felt himself grow sad as he watched Dean take it all in. The way his entire being started collapsing into itself. It was how he crashed every time he’d lost someone at his job, and while it was nice to see a Dean he recognized, this wasn’t one he would’ve liked to see again. Castiel wrapped his arms around himself when he watched Dean snap out of his stupor and rush forward, trying to help them, instinct taking over.

Dean dropped to his knees after his hand passed through the woman.

They stayed until the ambulance came.

Dean hovered around the people, making soft commentary on how the EMT’s were handling her care. Castiel stayed back and let Dean shuffle back and forth. The shock had pushed him into a calmer state and since he wasn’t affecting anyone he let it go. Besides, it seemed that critiquing their care was a way for Dean to wind down. If nothing else it kept him focused.

The EMTs slammed the ambulance doors closed and slowly the commotion died down. They watched as officers set up cones around the damaged area and put in warning signs. They’d take them down once everything was clean. In the end the gas station was closed down by the police.

“Hey, Cas?”

Castiel was careful as he walked up to Dean. His hand lifted to attempt to touch him, but he dropped it. Even with close family and friends he’d never seen him be particularly receptive to a comforting tough. Especially in the face of tragedy. “Dean?”

Dean turned around, looking haunted. “I did that? I hurt her?”

Castiel frowned but knew he couldn’t lie. “Yes.”

** **

Dean moved to the dark curbside, the few lights still on in the gas station and framing him sharply. Castiel sat down next to him. “Dean… spirits… have a certain level of power. Because the soul _is_ power.”

Dean snorted and shook his head, trying his best not to look distraught.  He swallowed and licked his lips. “Ghosts and souls are real, huh?”

Castiel gave a lopsided smile. “You seem to be living proof of it.”

Dean broke out laughing. He tilted his head back and slapped at his knee. “Living. Right.”

Castiel looked at him confused but couldn’t help but be happy that he’d made Dean smile and laugh.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Castiel smiled and let himself scoot a little closer to Dean. “I know. I don’t think you’re properly capable of it.”

Dean laughed again but let Castiel stay close. “Oh, you have no idea.”

Castiel resisted the urge to ask him to tell. He was trying to calm Dean down, to diffuse the situation. If he brought up some of Dean’s darker moments he doubted it would help maintain the atmosphere.

They sat on the curb for a moment until Dean sighed, leaning forward and dipping his head between his knees. “I’ll try to keep my cool. But I’m not giving up. Just so you know. I need to get back there. Back to helping people.” Dean started to flicker again and without missing a beat Castiel reached out and touched his fingers to Dean’s forward.

He slumped forward, completely passed out.

…

Castiel wasn’t sure how he felt about the new Dean. Well, not particularly new. Dean continued to be a nuisance though he’d dialed it down some. He wasn’t supportive of Castiel’s work but at least he wasn’t losing spirits left and right.

“Oh- Dean, you’re still here,” Tessa said as she materialized next to Castiel after his last reaping.

Dean rolled his eyes but gave her a charming smile anyway. “Well, Castiel here hasn’t done what I need him to yet so I’m not going anywhere.”

Castiel shrugged his shoulders and walked forward, “He’s still being difficult, what do you need, Tessa?”

Tessa smiled and wrapped her arm around his. “Food run!”

Dean immediately perked up, “Food run?”

“I assume you’re coming with then, since you’re super glued to Castiel’s side,” Tessa said and reached over to grab Dean’s hand.

They ended up at a little seafood shack, well loved by the locals, and Tessa pulled Dean forward in excitement. “Look at this! Oh my god it looks so good. I can’t wait to try it.”

Dean paused for a moment, letting his hand rest in hers. “Wait, you’re eating?”

Tessa smiled and winked, “Of course. You want something?”

Dean’s belly growled, something it hadn’t done since the sandwich situation. “Hell yes. I like you,” Dean said pulling his hand out of hers and wrapping it around her shoulder.

Castiel’s stomach felt heavy and sour. What felt like bile crawled up the center of his chest and spread. He hadn’t seen Dean this happy since he was alive. He was animated, excited, even when he was frowning at the oysters. Dean despaired on sushi as Tessa mentioned it and made a gagging noise when she talked about squid. The only watery creature he would put into his mouth was after it was dipped in batter and fried. Tessa teased him on his ‘basic’ tastes and Dean nudged his hip into hers, defending himself.

Castiel brushed his palm over his stomach, trailing higher up and trying to rub the feeling away. They weren’t paying attention to him anyway.

It didn’t help that Tessa and Dean got along very well. He wondered again if things would have been better if Tessa had been assigned to his soul.

Dean’s hand slipped past Tessa’s shoulders and rested high on her waist. He turned around. “How about you Castiel? What do you want?”

Tessa gently bit her lip to keep from smiling. “He doesn’t eat.”

Dean looked shocked, glancing between Tessa and Castiel. “What the hell Cas? I didn’t think you guys could even eat, turns out you can? How the hell aren’t you all over everything?”

Castiel refused to respond and ignored the twinkling in Tessa’s eye. She decided to get something to eat there and to get Death’s food to go. Castiel sat on the other side of the booth as Tessa and Dean enthused about the food. She made fun of Dean’s simple fish sandwich and he in turn rolled his eyes at the soup she’d gotten. Castiel frowned as Tessa pushed her bowl forward, encouraging him to try a bite. She didn’t seem as concerned as he had been about Dean being able to consume food.

“I wonder what desserts they have,” Tessa said as she rested her chin on her hand.

“We could go find out,” Dean said as he winked, pulling Tessa along.

Tessa gave Castiel a look and he waved them off. Luckily there wasn’t a lot of noise in the void and even though it stung, and it hurt, he understood and paid attention.

Dean walked around the displays, pointing out foods to Tessa.

“You know, Dean.”

Dean hummed as he looked at the few pastries laid out, his eyes glued to some type of lemon treat. “What’s up, Tessa?”

She laid her hand gently on his shoulder and he didn’t shrug it off or move. Castiel tried to look away. “You know, you could come with me.”

“Excuse me?” Dean stood up from where he’d nearly had his nose pressed to the display.

“You could come with me? Castiel is… well, he’s Castiel. If he’s too much or you can’t handle him. You could come with me.”

Dean flinched back, immediately angry. He pulled his emotions into himself and Castiel found that he was proud of his control. He didn’t enjoy, however, how Dean stomped towards him, rage playing across his face. “What the fuck were you trying?”

Castiel reeled back, confused.

“Butter me up with food? Make sure I go with Tessa to the beyond? Fuck you Cas. And you know what- screw you-screw this. Take me to my family. Now.”

Castiel didn’t have time to respond as Tessa rushed towards them, panic on her face. “Cas. Reapers.”

Dean looked between them confused. “Aren’t you reapers?”

Castiel stood up. He’d felt an accident coming but had figured it was far enough not to matter. Obviously it wasn’t. “Tessa?”

Tessa nodded and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “Go.”

Castiel grabbed Dean and fled.

They would not have reacted as understandingly to Dean’s presence as Tessa had.

…

Castiel pulled them to ‘safe place’. Not because of the environment necessarily, but because reapers generally didn’t come here.

There was no reason to.

It was an edge of the world, filled with ancient spirits, confused, in pain, and impossible to gather. There was nothing they could do. Some of them faded into nothingness eventually but most of them didn’t. They just existed as pulsing tortured memories until perhaps the end claimed them all.

Dean was disoriented when they landed.

A wailing woman passed through him and Dean staggered back. “What the hell is this, Cas?”

“An end of the road.”

“The end of the road?”

Castiel shook his head. “An end.”

Dean moved closer to him and Castiel let him hang on. Castiel pulled Dean even closer and held him tightly as Dean watched souls re-live their deaths. The ones that still could.

“What’s going on here, Cas?” Dean asked, voice soft.

“These are souls, Dean. Spirits that never found a way to be at peace and ran out of energy to sustain themselves at a significant level.”

Dean paled and Castiel could feel him shaking a little. His terror, although well hidden, seeped in through their contact. Dean’s voice wasn’t particularly strong as he leaned to speak into Castiel’s ear, worried the spirits would notice them. He flinched as a man screamed and collapsed to the ground, his body splitting into pieces and falling off slowly before he materialized again. “You…” Dean licked his lips, voice hoarse, “You can’t do anything?”

Castiel looked at the spirits mournfully. “No. I can’t. You already know that. I can’t force a soul to move on.”

“What… what happens to them?”

“Eventually?”

Dean nodded and scooted until they were touching from shoulder to hip, thighs snuggly against each other. The touch was comforting to Castiel, probably more than it should’ve been, and he tried not to enjoy it. They weren’t at an area of the void where pleasure or happiness had any place to exist. “They fade out and become nothing once everything is gone I assume. All that are left are echoes of the pain.”

“Echoes? They don’t just… stop?”

Castiel sighed, “Some become nothing but whispers, faded into the dark but others…”

Dean stayed quiet but his hand dipped to the small of Castiel’s back. A spirit moved past Castiel’s arm and Dean pulled him in closer, taking a protective stance. It was almost amusing. “How long does it take?”

Castiel let himself lean into Dean’s hold. Dean was protective by nature and if he could have it never again, he would let himself enjoy it for now. “For some? Years. Others? Decades. In the end they all end up here unless something else happens to them. It all depends on the strength and brightness of the soul.”

Dean coughed and put on a brave, shaky smile. He gave a weak wink to Castiel that made him feel like blushing. “So… souls have brightness, huh? Strength? What’s my soul look like?”

Castiel paused and couldn’t even consider lying as Dean stared into his eyes. “Bright. Strong. And beautiful.”

Dean turned, cheeks red and looked off to the side. His eyes flicked back to Castiel as a spirit crawled past them, completely disfigured. He quickly dropped them stare at Castiel’s chest instead. “Your tie is crooked.”

“I’ve never noticed,” Castiel said softly, praying Dean wouldn’t pull away.

They stood at the end of the world in silence until he felt Tessa pulling them back, projecting safety. “We’re ready to leave.”

Dean breathed out and sagged against him. He pulled them to the same motel room Dean had been familiar with but stopped outside of the door, unsure if it was empty. Dean released him, relieved to be somewhere else and walked forward, smacking straight into the door.

Castiel held in a surprised laugh.

“What the hell?”

Castiel tried to school his expression into something that wasn’t complete amusement. “When spirits gain strength or experience, many can interact with the living world.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me that before?”

Castiel smiled a little. “It didn’t seem pertinent. Besides, I assumed you’d already figured it out with the eating.”

“You said that wasn’t supposed to happen!”

Castiel shrugged and gestured at the door. Dean gave him a glare and tried to touch the door again, instead he slipped straight through it. Castiel waited patiently as Dean tried again and again, but slipped past every single time. He whirled around to Castiel. “Teach me. You have to teach me.”

The logical response was that it would be a bad idea. An incredibly bad idea to give Dean more power, more control over his spiritual self. But… perhaps if he taught Dean, kept him busy, Dean would stop asking for his family. Perhaps he would stop interfering with his work if he was busy practicing. Mastering spiritual skills also took time. Time he told himself would make sure that Castiel could keep at his job.

He refused to listen to the tiny pulse inside of himself that realized it meant he would be able to keep Dean near him longer.

“All right,” Castiel finally agreed.

…

Castiel found them an old place that he was sure would give them privacy. A delightful southern villa in the middle of nowhere. The shrubs and greenery had taken over the large lawn in patches. Several of the shingles were missing from the roof and the windows were dark and dusty but otherwise very respectable looking.

They stood at the gates, Castiel waiting for Dean to make a judgement on the place.

“Is it okay for us to even be here?” Dean asked as he walked up the winding pathway.

The yard was for the most part well-kept around the rocky road and the architecture seemed strong and sturdy, holding up the ancient home. Whoever its architect was should have been proud. Castiel watched Dean take in the surroundings and the excitement on his face made him smile. It was cute. “It’s been completely abandoned for a few years. It belongs to no one really except perhaps the city and the bank. I believe they keep it up for resale purposes? Outside of that no one comes here.”

“Really?” Dean looked around, “Cause it looks lived in enough. Maybe call the gardener in more often but it’s not bad.”

They stepped up the veranda door and Castiel watched, amused, as Dean paused wondering if he’d go through or hit it. He was a fast learner.

“Take a deep, relaxing, breath. Do it at a count of three, and walk towards the door. Stick your hand through it or just graze against it if you’re nervous.”

“I’m not nervous,” Dean snapped but followed through with the breathing exercises. “I’d rather just open the door, ok? This phasing shit is weird. It doesn’t feel right.”

Castiel paused as he watched Dean look away from the door, expression stubborn and shy. It wasn’t a look he was used to. Still, he felt like an idiot and that didn’t happen to him often. With everything that had been going on he’d completely forgotten how disorienting death could be, for anyone, even Dean. Castiel tried to hold in his smile and opened the veranda door for him. He opened the door to the house and they came to stand inside of the living room.

“I take it back,” Dean said as he looked over at the furniture covered in dust. The walls were cracking, wallpaper peeling, and most everything was half broken. “This place is awful.”

“It’s the perfect place to practice.”

“Practice being a ghost… Right.” Dean popped his shoulders and took another look around. “How is this my life?”

Castiel didn’t answer but let Dean wander around the villa for a while. He wanted him to be familiar with it, after all, he’d be spending a lot of time here. He wanted it to be something Dean could live with.

“So, where do we start?”

Castiel led him from the rusted kitchen to the main living room and gestured for Dean to sit on the couch.

Dean snorted, “Even if I was living I wouldn’t sit on this damn thing. I don’t want to sink straight to the floor, it’s nasty as hell.” Dean paused, remembering. He turned to Castiel. “Speaking of, there a reason I don’t sink straight through the floor?”

Castiel nodded and picked a rock from the floor, rolling it in his hands as he contemplated how to answer. “I don’t claim to know everything.”

Dean snorted.

“I’m not omniscient, Dean. I may be powerful but I am only a reaper. Inherently all things have mass, even spirits. I believe it helps that I’m near you. Also, as I’m about to help show you, conviction and belief are a major component.”

“Belief and conviction? That sounds new agey and dumb.”

Castiel shrugged and tossed the rock up in the air and caught it again. “You believe you should be able to walk on carpet, floor, the ground essentially, because it’s something you’ve always done, therefore- you do. I guess.”

“You guess?”

Castiel glared at him.

“Some Master Sensei you are,” Dean said as he rolled his eyes. Before Castiel could respond he continued. “All right. Come on Mr. Miyagi, show me what you got.”

Castiel frowned, about to respond that his name was Castiel and that he didn’t know a Mr. Miyagi but let it go. It was probably a reference to one of those TV shows or movies Dean enjoyed. He held the rock out in his palm. “Take this from my hand.”

Dean laughed until he saw that Castiel kept his hand outstretched, expression serious.

“Wait, come on, really? Fine. Whatever, this is kid’s play.”

Castiel scooted back a little more to make sure he wasn’t affecting Dean too much and pulled his own powers back. Dean reached forward and his hand passed straight through.

“The fuck,” Dean muttered and tried again. He tried again and again and it wouldn’t work, he couldn’t even grab Castiel. Dean frowned and glared at Cas. “You doing something to me? I grabbed you earlier so why the hell am I passing through you now?”

Castiel didn’t answer. If he had, he might’ve said something that would’ve set Dean off more. Instead, he simply held out the rock again. Silence was golden after all, or at least, that’s what the adverts at the movie’s he’d… _followed,_ not stalked, Dean to.

Dean tried for what seemed like hours, which it could’ve been but time didn’t pass quite the same in the void. They only stopped when Dean’s belly growled.

Castiel hoped that Tessa was looking into it. “That… still should not be happening.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “Whatever, just fuck it,” Dean said as his belly growled again and he had to rub his palm over it. He seemed in pain.

Castiel felt conflicted but thought of what Tessa would do. She always knew what to do. “Would you… like to go get something to eat?” Castiel tentatively suggested.

Dean brightened immediately. “Of course I do, Cas. You shouldn’t even have to ask that. So where are we going?”

Castiel slipped the rock into the pocket of his coat. “I actually… wouldn’t know.”

Dean hummed and rested his hands on his hips, “Riight. The whole, not eating thing. Wouldn’t know a good place if it bit you in the ass, huh.” Dean shook his head and puffed out a breath. “All right. Well I guess we can find something local and simple. Those places generally know what they’re doing. A burger would be nice.”

“I suppose that could be arranged. I’ll be back shortly.”

Unsure of what to pick Castiel found three burger places and managed to snag one from each. As fast as he was working the bags still ended with grease stains as he appeared back at the villa. “I didn’t know what you wanted but-”

“This is great, Cas,” Dean said, reaching forward and grabbing the bags. He plopped down onto the couch and started tearing into the food. Castiel made himself a mental reminder to pick up the trash as he contemplated on the physics of spirits. How Dean could eat and grab the food from him now when a little bit ago he couldn’t grab a rock or open the door.

After Dean ate he stubbornly insisted on practicing again. Castiel finally had to call it when he noticed that Dean began flickering.

Castiel reached forward again and tapped his fingers to Dean’s forehead before he could completely disappear.

Dean collapsed onto the couch, deeply asleep and finally Castiel could go back to work without worrying about interference.

…

Dean woke up and rubbed at his eyes, confused but recovering quickly. He looked up and immediately found Castiel staring down at him. He scoffed, “Guess I gotta get used to this not being a bad dream, huh?”

Castiel shrugged and didn’t have much he could say as Dean stretched. He tried to tell himself it wasn’t a personal insult that Dean wasn’t happy with his death. Castiel forced himself not to linger and stare at the way the shirt pulled around his muscles.

“So, what were you even doing while I was ‘out’?” Dean asked, resting his forearms on his knees.

“I was watching over you.”

Dean raised an eyebrow and quirked his lip. “That’s… that’s really creepy Cas.”

“Dean, it’s in my nature.”

“What, so you get your jollies off watching people sleep?”

“No!”

“So it’s just me then?”

Castiel tried to stop himself from telling Dean that this wouldn’t have been the first time he’d watched over him. As he fought to keep himself from blurting anything out he blushed and had to look away. It was just as damning as saying anything.

Dean grinned. “You LIKE me.”

Castiel huffed a crossed his arms. “You’re very full of yourself.”

…

Dean was pleased. He’d figured something out. He’d figured out something very important.

Something very useful.

The reaper liked him.

He couldn’t tell how much but the reaper liked him enough.

It wasn’t like Dean had fully accepted that he was dead (he wanted to see his body, deep in the ground and his family) but until then… there would be some skepticism. Okay well, a fucking shit ton of skepticism. Even if it was some bullshit nightmare he needed to work with what he had.

Sam had blabbed his ear off for years on dream walking and out of body experiences or he’d just gotten so fucking hammered that he’d hit some insane hallucinations. Either way he had to treat this as just another problem to solve.

Still, Castiel wouldn’t let him out of his sight and there was nothing he could do while under the damn paranoid eye of the ‘reaper’.

Maybe… just maybe if he could get along better with the reaper, Castiel would be more willing to help him.

If the reaper _liked_ him, Castiel would be easier to use.

Besides, it wasn’t as if he was interacting with something real.

God didn’t exist.

Neither did the afterlife.

And he sure as shit didn’t believe in Heaven.


	6. Chapter 5

They grabbed breakfast at Dean’s request at a local place Castiel had found after another practice session and after he’d put Dean to sleep. He’d hoped that Dean would like it and he was right.

Castiel sat opposite Dean as he cut off a piece of waffle that was soaked in syrup. “So, where are we anyway, Cas?”

“Nowhere important,” Castiel replied, looking away from Dean and out the window. The area wasn’t particularly interesting, but if he turned around he wasn’t sure, what Dean would see in his expression.

Dean had always been fascinating, beautiful, and irresistible, but the way he wrapped his lips around the fork in a nearly pornographic way made Castiel nervous. He’d been too busy to have any unfortunate… physical reactions, but that morning he’d found them coming back with a vengeance. He shifted in his seat.

Dean grunted but let it go. He forked another bite into his mouth, “Seriously, Cas. You should try some.”

Castiel huffed and dared to give a quick glance at Dean. He had one bite left and instead of sticking his fork into it, he pinched it with his fingers and started dragging it along the plate. The tips of his fingers came away sticky and he shoved the entire piece into his mouth, licking each digit slowly. Castiel blushed and coughed, “Would you- would you like to practice more?”

Dean sighed, “Can we at least get the rest of this to go?”

“Of course, Dean. Give me a moment.”

Castiel felt awkward as he pushed himself to become corporeal and flagged down a waitress. It had never been something he’d found particular pleasure in, everything just was _too_ much, and now with Dean being so close to him… Castiel fought hard to calm the pulse that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

The waitress gave him a crooked smile and he clenched his fingers into the fabric of his coat. Things were hard enough and he especially didn’t appreciate the snide comments that Dean made as he tried to interact with her.

“You’re kinda funny, Cas.”

Castiel ignored him, glaring a little and wanting to frown as a grin graced Dean’s face and his eyes brightened.

If he frowned it meant Dean had won.

“It’s time to go,” Castiel muttered instead, glad for the waitresses’ speed in returning to them.

Hastily he reached over to Dean’s plates and scraped the food into the container despite Dean’s protest. Castiel shoved the food to him over the table and grasped Dean’s wrist.

They appeared back at the villa and Dean sighed, dropping the food onto the couch.

Castiel pulled out the pebble again, holding it tightly in his hand. The harsh, cold edges were easier to concentrate on than Dean’s warm and soft skin.

“Come on, Cas, really?” Dean whined, leaning back into the couch and huffing dramatically. It reminded him a little of a petulant child. Castiel tried to keep a smug expression hidden but failed. It may have been petty to take joy in Dean’s minor objections but it wasn’t as if he’d had many hobbies to begin with.

“All right, we’ll see how funny you think this is!” Dean announced as he lunged forward.

He managed to knock it out of Castiel’s hands.

Dean jumped backwards and pumped his hand into the air! “Told you!”

Castiel let himself laugh, pleased that Dean was pleased. He leaned down and picked it up again. He held it back out. “Let’s try it again.” He took his hand back as Dean tried to lunge for it. “No, remember what I told you? Take a deep breath, concentrate. And focus on holding it. You _will_ hold it.”

Dean took in a deep breath and reached his hand forward. Gently he held his hand forward. Dean closed his eyes and let his fingertips drag along Castiel’s palm. Castiel nearly dropped the rock, palm tingling. Dean’s fingers continued along until they wrapped around the rock. He pulled it back and clenched his fingers around it.

Dean opened his eyes and looked at his hand where he was clenching the rock. He marveled at it only for a moment before eagerly shoving his hand towards Castiel. “Look at this, Cas!” The rock dropped through his hand. “Fuck!”

They watched it roll around on the floor, kicking up miniscule puffs of dust.

Castiel laughed. He loved seeing Dean like this. Determined and passionate. “Try it again, Dean. You’ve got the hang of it. Just remember that feeling.”

…

By the end of the day Castiel couldn’t have been more excited.

Dean could touch and pick up most of the things in the room. His proudest achievement so far had been lifting a rather elaborate, if not broken, clock off of the mantle. His excitement was infectious. Castiel had nearly created a small electrical spark in dead lamps at the glee that Dean exhibited when after five attempts he’d been able to open and close the door himself.

Castiel started laughing, although quietly, as Dean walked out, gently closed the door, waved at him from the window outside and walked back in. “Look at me Cas! I can _open a door._ ”

Castiel tilted his head to the side a little, pleased. “It _is_ certainly something to be proud of, Dean.”

“I feel like a toddler that just had all the child locks taken off the doors.”

Castiel turned his laugh into a cough.

“Don’t you dare laugh, Cas.”

“I’m sorry, Dean. I’m very impressed. You’ve done well.”

“Damn straight, I have,” Dean said touching the door knob again. He turned around to look at Castiel. “You know, we should go celebrate! Do something crazy. Have a party. Shit, I’m not picky.”

Castiel’s expression shifted to surprise and then embarrassment. Dean looked at him, waiting for an answer, just swinging the door back and forth, only touching it with his fingertips. “I- I don’t know how.”

Dean stopped swinging the door and leaned against it, “You really are a stiff.” Dean laughed and stopped when he noticed Castiel wasn’t. “Get it? ‘Cause you’re technically dead and… never mind.”

Castiel tried to smile a little despite his embarrassment, “It’s a very funny joke, Dean.” He bit his lip while Dean stared at him. So far their interactions had been fairly basic and that had already been a challenge for Castiel to handle. While he wasn’t exactly against the idea of celebrating and rejoicing in Dean’s success he hadn’t been lying when he said he didn’t know how. Still, he was dull even by reaper standards and for the first time he found himself wishing that he’d spent more time with some of the more free spirited reapers. Then perhaps he’d be able to entertain Dean now.

“Do you even have a sense of humor?” Dean asked and then paused. “Don’t answer that.” Dean hummed seemingly thinking more about what they could do. “Celebrating something isn’t really that hard, Cas. Go out to the bar, have a few drinks…Wait- can I even drink? I mean, I can eat right. So?”

Castiel shrugged, “Tessa eats at least. I believe I’ve seen her consume a milkshake. I suppose that shares some similarities to a liquid.”

“Then ask her. I’d really like to have a beer.”

Castiel shifted back and forth. “I assume we can only receive flavors and mass but nothing else. Even the few of us who can consume and feel physical things, I truly don’t know. I assume whatever we intake just phases out into nothingness so alcohol… I wouldn’t know if it would affect you as you are accustomed to.”

“You and Tessa must be pretty high up the food chain then, huh?” Dean laughed again. “Food chain since we’re-“

Castiel paused him and smiled, “Food chain. Since we’re talking about food.”

“Like the puns then, don’t you?”

“When I understand them.” Castiel thought about the question and attempted to answer honestly. “Fairly high up, if nothing else.”

Dean nodded, “Anyway, you can beam us pretty much anywhere then, right?”

Castiel shrugged, “Within limitations.” Technically, he could’ve gone anywhere in their own dimension but he was worried. Worried that Dean would want to go somewhere far to celebrate, but worse, worried that it would make Dean think that he could take him to his family at any point in time. He hadn’t pestered about it in a long time and Castiel wasn’t going to ruin the brief reprieve from having to deny him. A partial truth would have to do. Dean could detect lies far too easily. “Long distances are harder.”

Dean nodded, “Okay so, I’m sure there’s something local, we can look around right?”

Castiel nodded, “It’s possible.”

“Well you found that other place for me?”

“It wasn’t that far away… I simply honed in on a large center of activity and followed it. They generally lead to places where communities congregate. There is often food.”

“Come on, Cas. You’ve never just walked around a city?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow.

Castiel blushed a little. It wasn’t something he indulged in often, considering it frivolous and Castiel refused to let himself participate in that type of behavior. Still, he remembered Italy… Taiwan… a wonderful small town in Mexico. He thought of his cliff and how long it had taken him to find it. “Sometimes. Well, not in a very long time.”

Dean smiled, walked forward and clapped Castiel on the arm. He moved his hand across Castiel’s shoulder’s and pulled him in.

Castiel felt alive.

“Come on then, let’s go.”

…

They walked around the city for a while before Dean spoke up. He tugged at Castiel’s arm as they stood by a little hot dog stand. He waited for Dean to speak as he sniffed around, looking confused.

“Hey Cas, so. I can eat. I can feel things. Why can’t I smell anything?”

Castiel paused and looked at the stand. He took in the wistful look on Dean’s face. “Well,” Castiel started not wanting to get too far into it. Out of all the senses that a spirit could possess touch was the most basic. The easiest to master, especially with how, compared to other human senses, large and basic the nervous system for it was. Sound followed, then taste and the most complex of all, smell.

It was a bad idea to attempt to encourage more of Dean’s interaction with the human world, but the way Dean’s shoulders remained sunken tugged at his being a little too much. Tessa would have called him a sap.

“I don’t know if this will work,” Castiel admitted, having made his decision. “Smell is very complex but I _am_ a complex being. I make no promises but…” He lifted his hand up and grasped Dean’s bicep. “Anything?”

Dean took in a deep breath and a bright smile erupted across his face. “Holy shit, Cas!”

Castiel moved back a little and Dean frowned, the sense of smell having faded judging by his expression. Castiel gripped tighter and Dean took in a deep breath through his nose. It seemed that strong or constant contact was necessary.

They started walking, Castiel feeling like he was being pulled around by an over-excited puppy. He didn’t mention the thought, highly doubting that Dean would be flattered by the comparison. He noticed Dean look at him again and again as they tried to shuffle through the crowd. Dean had to still be uncomfortable with people passing through him. Living all of his life as a mortal it probably wasn’t even occurring to him to move out of the way, assuming the other person might do so.

Eventually Dean spoke up.

“So, no one can see us, right?”

“No, Dean.”

Dean looked around anyway and stepped back. He checked the area once more before he slid his hand into Castiel’s. He twined their fingers together. Castiel stared at their hands, looking up at Dean’s face.

There was a flush to his cheeks. “It’s less awkward, okay.”

Castiel held his breath and only his long honed control and stoic nature kept him from breathing too rapidly, blushing brightly, and nearly swooning.

Dean’s hand was warm, so warm.

Dean’s shoulders were tense. “Is something wrong, Dean?”

“No, nothing, just. This should work better.”

They continued to walk, passing by people. Through Dean he was experiencing not just his own interactions with the living world but a vibrant feedback loop from Dean. Castiel softly admitted, “This _does_ work better. I wouldn’t have thought it made a difference.”

** **

“Probably the skin contact,” Dean said as he took in the sights and smells. “If what you even have can be called skin.”

It was an interesting statement that he’d ponder another day, besides, it didn’t seem as if Dean had wanted a serious answer to it anyway. Castiel let Dean lead him around, pausing every so often to really take in a deep breath of something. Suddenly he pulled Castiel to a halt and dragged them through into a store, ducking in while someone held the door open for another group of people. He didn’t even flinch as two children raced through them.

“Holy hell Cas, this is perfect. I gotta try that mac and cheese,” Dean said as he watched a woman dig into a dish covered in crumbs and golden, melty cheese. She was sitting at one of the closest booths, sharing the table with, judging by the held hands and similar wedding bands, her wife. Her companion took her hand away and picked up her knife and fork. “Oooh, and with that fried chicken. Come on, Cas. We hit the damn jackpot.”

Dean stopped dragging him along so suddenly that Castiel bumped into his back. He reached a palm out to steady himself, fingers splayed across Dean’s shoulder blade. “Wait, do you even know how to order food?”

“What?”

“Well I obviously can’t.”

Castiel bristled and tried not to feel offended. While it was true that Tessa had always interacted with people for him the way Dean spoke implied he was useless and incapable. He tried not to let his face flush.

The past times he’d picked up things for Dean he’d just taken someone else’s order. Stubbornly he spoke up, “I can. I can order food just fine Dean. I’m not a child.”

Castiel’s stubborn posturing had been for nothing. He kept the pout off of his face, there was no need to give Dean more ammo, as he struggled. The menu was overwhelming. In the end Dean coached him through the order with minimal laughter and he insisted they sit down and eat. Castiel would’ve rather left the scene of his humiliation but as Dean reminded him; it was his celebration.

“So, why isn’t anyone taking the table we’re at?” Dean asked. The place was packed and people were waiting for a free table to be seated at. It was a fair question.

“As reapers we do have certain powers, and to a certain extent we can alter perception.”

Dean nodded his head and hummed, dipping his piece of fried chicken into the mac and cheese and taking a bite. They didn’t talk much as Dean ate, but it wasn’t tense. Castiel watched, glad that Dean was so enamored with his food. The small groans of pleasure and the sheer joy in his face were hard to turn away from. Dean seemed truly relaxed and the atmosphere in the place very warm and homely. It was rare to see Dean like this in Castiel’s company and he chose to cherish it. If Dean wanted conversation he could start it himself. He wasn’t going to be the one to ruin this moment. His conversation skills were subpar to begin with.

Dean swallowed his last bite and stared out the window before turning to Cas. “I’m not trying to be difficult.”

Castiel snorted.

“Shut up. Seriously. You always seem like you have a stick up your ass when we spend time at places but I gotta say. The hustle and bustle is nice.” Dean took in a deep breath wiped his mouth with a napkin. Such a small thing but Castiel was sure without their practice he might not have been able to do it.

“You do seem… more relaxed than you have been,” Castiel finally said. Happy might have been too forward of him.

Dean placed his hands on the table and wove his fingers together. He tilted his head down to lean his chin on them. “Well, a part of it, maybe, just a little bit… you’re not as bad as you came off. Seriously, you’re kind of a stick in the mud. But,” Dean leaned back in the booth and took around at the people, “Yeah. I’ve gotta say that’s a pretty fair observation you got there, Cas.”

“Then you’re satisfied with your celebration?” Castiel asked, a little hopeful.

Dean smiled, “Not bad for your first time.” He reached forward and nudged Castiel’s hand with his own. “Since we’re here though, I guess now’s a good time as ever. The hustle and bustle really i _s nice._ I don’t think you get that. Spending all your time with dead people and all, and it’s important to the psyche.”

Castiel frowned. He didn’t want to admit that many high level reapers actually _did_ spend time with others. It just wasn’t something he did very often, but more than that he felt like he’d forgotten something important. Something very basic hat could’ve possibly altered how quickly Dean adapted to his… temporary after life.

Humans socialized better and needed it more than even the most social reapers he knew. Humans needed it. To survive. To keep sane even.

Yes, he preferred his solitude. He preferred being on his own but he was used to that silence. It didn’t mean that Dean was. He’d made a mistake but then again at the time he’d been dead set on sending Dean to the beyond as soon as possible. The thought now, under the bright lights of the restaurant, made him sad. He wasn’t sure what he would do with himself once Dean moved on. Castiel looked away from Dean, worried that he’d be able to read him. “I think I can understand a little.”

“Right,” Dean said as he scraped up the last bit of gravy and mashed potatoes off of his plate. “You sure you don’t want some?”

“I don’t understand it and there’s no reason for me to consume it. It has no benefit.”

Dean shrugged and put the last bite into his mouth. He pulled the spoon out of his mouth with a wet pop. “Not everything needs to have a benefit. Sometimes you just gotta do something for fun. Like _celebrations._ And you know what, Cas,” Dean pointed at him with the spoon. “Before you put me back in my body I **will** get you to eat.”

Castiel sighed. “I told you it’s not possible.”

“It’s definitely possible. You’re just being stubborn.” Dean shifted hit plates into a neat stack at the end of the table. “So, how about getting some more practice in?”


	7. Chapter 6

Their practices became routine and every single day Dean grew stronger. They’d started exploring the grounds and Castiel had nearly keeled over in awe when it had rained. As a reaper he’d never had a reason to pay attention to the weather, it didn’t affect him in any way. Still they were on a walk, Dean picking up branches of different sizes and carrying them around, swishing them on occasion, the clouds darkened. Dean had looked up, cautious and suggested they head back.

_‘ “Dean, this is ridiculous.”_

_“Shut up, Cas. You don’t want me to get a cold and die do you?” Dean had shot back with no real tone behind it._

_Castiel rolled his eyes but followed. A low rumble crawled across the sky and the rain began to pour. It was as if someone had tipped over a bucket in the clouds. Castiel bumped into Dean with a soft grunt. “Dean?”_

_Dean had his head tilted up, eyes wide. His mouth was open and for a moment his tongue peeked out, gliding across his lower lip and back in. It swiped back out and caught a rain drop. Castiel looked up, shocked, and then back at Dean. He held his breath as Dean closed his eyes, droplets clinging to his hair and lashes, chasing each other down and soaking Dean’s clothing._

_“I forgot about rain,” Dean whispered, not moving when Castiel moved forward and placed a hand on his bicep._

_He didn’t know what to say.’_

Castiel had ended up letting Dean stand in the rain for a moment before worrying. Dean was such a strange and strong spirit already, maybe he _would_ catch a cold. Even if it was just out of spite to prove Castiel wrong.

They took more trips to town, Dean’s appetite for interaction and not just food increasing and even better for the most part, they even started to get along. Though perhaps instead of comradery it had more to do with the fact that every time Dean begged to go somewhere, Castiel said yes.

Of course such a peace couldn’t last for forever.

“Tessa?”

Tessa smiled at Castiel, appearing next to the lit fireplace. She looked at it with curiosity and Castiel could only shrug. It made Dean feel more at peace and if Dean was happy everyone was happy. Dean strode forward, grinning, and Tessa happily accepted the hug that he gave her.

“Hold on Tessa- look,” Dean said as he pulled back. He walked around the room and shifted things from place to place, enjoying the surprised look that Tessa gave him.

“You’ve been getting better,” Tessa remarked with a side glance at Cas.

“Oh you have _no_ idea. Something you might be a little more excited to hear, I’ve gotten Cas to go out.”

Tessa fully turned to look at Cas. “Go out, huh?” She grinned and walked forward, arms gently curled around her own waist.

“Hasn’t eaten yet but we’re working on it.”

Tessa laughed and gave Dean a wink, “If you manage something I’ve spent most of eternity on, I owe you something nice.”

“Something nice, huh?” Dean smirked.

“As much as I’d love to keep catching up, Dean, really, I’m here to talk to Cas.”

“Is something wrong?” Castiel asked.

Tessa turned to Dean who sighed and rolled his eyes. He walked into the kitchen. He would probably be able to hear them anyway but the illusion was polite enough of him to try.

“I’ve been covering you as much as I can,” Tessa whispered, not wanting to alarm Dean. “But you _need_ to get back to work.”

Castiel frowned. He knew he’d been… neglecting a lot of his work. He did his best when Dean was ‘sleeping’ but he had been worried about things catching up to him. “But Dean…”

While things had been working well, he still couldn’t trust Dean on his own.

“It’s okay Cas. I’m on a few ‘errands’ right now. I can take care of him.”

Dean glanced back at Dean where he was nonchalantly moving a lamp back and forth across a countertop.

“Are you sure…?”

Tessa brushed her hand down his arm and squeezed. She turned to Dean. “I hear you two’ve been having fun.”

Dean winked at her, “As much fun as two dead people can have.”

“Sounds like a riot then, but do you think I could steal you for a little bit?”

Dean shrugged and Castiel tried not to think too hard on the look that Dean gave him. “Of course. I’d never argue with spending some time with a lovely lady.”

Tessa smiled at him and Castiel held in a sigh. An emotion he’d finally identified as jealousy itched underneath his skin.

He had to leave, there was nothing he could do.

…

Castiel obsessively worked through his reapings until he felt a sharp and uncomfortable tug at his soul.

Nothing good ever happened when Naomi called on you.

Castiel appeared in Naomi’s favorite place in the void after calming himself down. He kept his eyes downcast as he settled before Naomi. Her space in the void was a very organized office space, nearly immaculate and a model of some old man she’d admired back in the day. The name escaped him even though it was impressive that Naomi had considered a human’s space useful in any way at all. She kept it more modern of course, but it was never something pleasant to see.

“Castiel, please, sit.”

Castiel nodded, trying to hide the shaking in his hands. He smoothed out his coat and tried not to clench it too tightly in his hands. He had to play it safe. Not because of any concern for himself, though no doubt whatever was coming couldn’t be pleasant, but because of a concern for Dean.

If he gave anything away…

“You’ve lost a lot of souls recently, Castiel.”

Castiel shifted, not sure how to answer. He wasn’t aware that Tessa had been having trouble. Then again of course he should’ve considered it. She may have been one of the highest ranking reapers but she was not Death itself. Even she ran out of energy sometimes. And of course there was the small handful he’d lost but he hadn’t thought that the numbers were anything extraordinary.

Still, he had nothing to say to Naomi. She wasn’t a fan of excuses.

“That’s not like you, Castiel. Is there something going on?” She leaned forward at her desk, a deceptively gentle smile on her face. It reminded him of a human poem. She was the spider and he the fly. Except, he had no choice but walk into her parlor.

Castiel didn’t have anything to answer with. She could root out a lie and he didn’t dare attempt half truths. There would be too much follow up. Too many questions.

It was enough.

Naomi sighed and gave him a sympathetic frown. She snapped her long fingers and two other reapers appeared to escort him. “Perhaps you’ve been out in the field too long, Castiel.”

Dread billowed inside of him like fire and smoke. There was no such real thing as a reaper out too long. They were born fully formed, ready to do their duty. It wasn’t even as if they had an opposite. They existed in the void fully.

Still, there was a learning curve if you were weaker. You could be taught. Or if you failed you could be taught.

Castiel had only failed miserably once and he’d vowed never to do it again.

It was time for re-training.

Nothing good awaited those reapers that had to go through re-training.

They were forced into pain and nothingness.

A reminder of the taste that the souls they couldn’t collect received.

…

The first thing Castiel did when he was released was go to his rounds. He focused on nothing else, running through souls at nearly record speed. One after the other. Not even Meg could take the ones that he’d been assigned. It wasn’t that he’d suddenly become more powerful than her, corruption did put a spring in even a reapers step, but he was determined. He only had one purpose and that was to not land back in Naomi’s grasp.

Dean had been scrubbed into the back of his mind and nearly out of it.

No one was worth that pain.

Not even Dean.

After a while he finally gathered the courage to return. It wasn’t fair to leave Dean or Tessa to handle his mistake. He fazed in slowly, walking up the driveway.

His heart hurt.

Castiel stood in the shadows as he watched Tessa and Dean. They were sitting at the table, playing some type of game. There were colorful pieces strewn across the board and he stepped backwards when Tessa shoved his shoulder lightly. They were laughing and the atmosphere was light and fun. He knew they got along but this was cheerful and relaxed. Nothing like what it had been like between him and Dean.

He knew through Tessa that the feeling that roared through him was jealousy but he couldn’t help but smile. Dean glowed. And he was beautiful like this.

Not that it mattered.

Dean’s brightness hurt. Not because of anything Dean had done but because of Naomi’s all too recent lessons. Now, so near to Dean, unable to take his eyes away from the way the corners of Dean’s eyes crinkled, he could admit to something that terrified him more than his own pain.

Souls faded.

Yes, the training had helped Dean stabilize and Castiel’s own powers had been keeping him stable but everything went bad eventually. Especially bad for spirits. His stomach churned and he hesitated to even go forward. The moment he stepped into that house, he would have to push Dean forward. He couldn’t afford to keep him any longer.

It was hard to admit that he’d been terrified of the goodbye.

Tessa spotted him before he had a chance to materialize and gave him a sad but concerned smile.

She knew.

Of course she knew.

Castiel took in a deep breath, preparing himself to speak to Dean.

But then he turned around and…

Dean stood up, a grin on his face. He seemed… _excited._ He’d _never_ been excited to see Castiel.

Dean was a strong soul, perhaps, perhaps… they could probably get away with a little bit more time…

“What took you so long? Was thinking you ditched.” Dean asked, as he walked over. He brought his arms up and wrapped them around Castiel’s shoulders. His hands dropped slowly down to the shoulder blades. He found his face pressed into Dean’s collarbone and nearly fainted.

Castiel gave a shaky smile, pulling back. “I don’t think you would let me.”

“Damn straight.”

Tessa moved up next to them and gently nudged Dean to the side. He missed his hands the moment they slipped away. She wrapped Castiel up in an embrace and held him there.

She didn’t feel as warm as Dean had. He tried to pull away but Tessa held on tighter, fingers gently stroking along his back.

Dean couldn’t see them but there were scars deep in his being.

A warning to other reapers who saw him to stay in line. He’d forgotten about them. His focus on Dean had been too much, _again._

“Why don’t you show Cas what you’ve learned?” Tessa suggested, moving back and trying to hide the tears starting to collect in her eyes.

Dean sprang onto the distraction like an excited cat with a laser pointer, and dragged Castiel forward. They spent the entire evening with Dean showing off his moves (he’d learned how to control electricity), going to dinner, and then played games (Uno, much to Dean’s amusement then bitterness when Castiel got the hang of it) until Dean exhausted himself to the point where Castiel put him to sleep.

He stood there, staring at Dean’s sleeping form on the couch, completely enamored.

“I know you. What happened?”                                    

Castiel turned around a little as Tessa wrapped her arms around his waist from the back. She sighed into the nape of his neck though he didn’t feel it, like he would’ve if Dean had. Castiel fought back a shiver. He’d become too used to Dean being able to affect him ‘physically’, he shouldn’t have felt disappointed. He’d existed his entire life without needing it.

Castiel brushed her arms off of him and stared at Dean from the corner of his eye. “Naomi. She noted a dip in my work ethic. I received a bit of a talking to.”

“Did this have something to do with Dean?”

“No!”

Tessa shook her head and moved so that she could look Castiel in the eye. “Cas…”

Castiel sighed, “I’m handling it. But thank you, just, it’s nothing you should worry yourself over. It’s not as if I am the first reaper to have been pulled back.”

Tessa gave him a sad look before she disappeared leaving Castiel alone to his thoughts.

…

Castiel sat in one of the broken chairs as he waited for Dean to wake up. It didn’t make sense that Dean’s chest moved up and down, that he rolled around and sniffed occasionally, or that he smiled in his sleep. Dean was dead. The dead didn’t feel, sleep, or dream. Castiel tried to comfort himself by telling himself those behaviors would fade after a while.

It would end up haunting him to watch Dean fade.

The stronger a spirit, the longer the pain they suffered.

Castiel looked to the side when he felt a stir in the spirit. Dean blinked, rubbing at his eyes, and yawned. He turned his head and Castiel swore he’d developed a heart. He had to have because it stung. “Dean.”

“Mornin’ Cas,” Dean said, and swung his legs off of the couch. He stretched and groaned, flopping backwards against the back rest. He looked outside the window and paused, “Or night. I guess. I figure a regular sleeping schedule doesn’t really matter in the afterlife.”

Castiel smiled, “Not particularly.”

“So, how’s about we get some breakfast and get to practicing?” Dean suggested.

Castiel stood from his chair and was shocked when Dean simply slid his hand into his. He squeezed and bumped his shoulder into him. “I know a great place. Me and Tessa found a few great places while you were gone actually. There’s a ton of shit around.”

Jealousy wrapped its fingers around Castiel’s heart, cold and stinging. “Of course, where am I taking you?”

“Us, where are you taking us,” Dean corrected. He lifted his hand set it to Castiel’s neck. “Tessa said you can grab it from my memory, she’s done it a few times, so chop chop. Get to it.”

Castiel blushed at the contact. Dean’s hand had never brushed against his neck like this and it reminded him of way too many positions he’d seen Dean in with sexual or romantic partners. Castiel felt saliva collect in his mouth, not something that had ever happened to him before, but nodded. He concentrated on the feeling of Dean’s palms in his hand and on his neck. He leaned forward and briefly touched their foreheads together. He could’ve lifted his free hand to do it but he felt dizzy. Tingles roared through his body. If nothing else Dean didn’t seem to object.

Within minutes they were standing outside of a 24 hour dinner. “Come on, Cas” Dean said as he tugged them forward.

Castiel was shocked at how easy and natural Dean behaved. The doorbell rang as he yanked it open, waiting for them to pass through. The place wasn’t as busy as any of the one’s he’d taken Dean to before but it was cozy and Dean walked around like he belonged there. Like it was his space.

Dean urged Castiel forward to order for them. The warm hand at his lower back made him miss that Dean had instructed him to order two meals. In a daze he tried to balance two trays and blushed when Dean laughed to take one of them.

“What is this, Dean?” Castiel asked when they were finally seated with the food. “It seems like a lot.”

“It’s a burger.”

Castiel stared at Dean, concerned. His fingers were sticky with ketchup and mayo. “Dean… the buns to your… burger… are pieces of chicken.”

“Live a little,” Dean mumbled as he removed the first layer and started soaking it in an in house-only sauce.

“I live just fine,” Castiel defended.

“Okay, well,” Dean said and took a bite of his creation. He moaned and burger juice and ketchup dripped down the right side of his mouth. “I am so glad no one can see me,” Dean moaned out and took another bite that pulled out one of the pickles in it. He set it down and gestured at the food he’d had Castiel carry. “Have at it.”

Castiel looked suspiciously at the food in front of him. “What even is this?”

“It’s a chicken fried steak sandwich. It’s good.”

“I don’t eat. Even if I did I’m not sure that mayonnaise and ketchup belong in it.”

Dean barked out a laugh, a few bits spewing out of his mouth. “Thought you said you live just fine,” Dean said as he shoved a fry into his mouth after lathering it in ranch.

Castiel still refused to eat. He wouldn’t fall that far. He already felt too much through Dean. Already missed the temptation of human experience too much.

He didn’t want to see Naomi ever again.

 Instead, he watched in fascination as Dean munched through his own meal.  He looked a lot more relaxed than when he’d left him.

Dean looked up and glared, wiping at his mouth, “Stop staring at me, it’s really fucking weird.”

“My apologies,” Castiel said and turned to the window. One of the diners outside lights flickered on and off at irregular intervals, highlighting the people who stood beneath it, smoking.

“You gonna eat that?”

Castiel shook his head and slid his meal towards Dean. “No reason to waste good food. You should call Tessa, she wouldn’t put it to waste.”

Castiel kept himself from frowning and changed topics. “Tessa is busy with her work. Speaking of… I need to discuss something with you.”

“What’s up, Cas?” Dean asked, setting down his food, focusing on Castiel.

Death hadn’t taken away the green of his eyes.

“We can continue practicing but,” Castiel sighed. He clenched his hand into the fabric of his coat. He _needed_ to draw borders. Clear lines that would help their separation. He wasn’t like Dean and he never could be. His job was more important than this… passing obsession. “I _am_ a reaper Dean. And so is Tessa. I have a job to do. One I will have to leave for soon.”

Dean leaned back in the booth and crossed his arms. “When do we leave?”

“Leave? We?”

Dean shrugged and took a long sip of his water. “I’m not a fan of this, I still think it’s fucked ‘cause obviously you don’t have to do jack-“ Castiel started to protest “-I haven’t forgotten that one chick and her little ghost back into the body whammy-, but I’m coming with.”

Castiel sighed and shook his head.

“What? Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I’m gonna stay at that damn haunted house with my thumb up my ass.”

Of course Dean would be stubborn, still, he couldn’t risk Dean trying to follow him on his own. He caved. He had more focus now, he could control his own feelings and Dean.

Or so he had hoped.

It was distracting, to have Dean trailing behind him but at least he stayed quiet. It wasn’t as helpful as he thought it would be. Castiel nearly wished that Dean _would_ speak up. Then he would’ve had an excuse to be paying so much attention to him.

The proverbial rotten cherry on top of the cake… pie… in addition to his rounds, was when he finally lost a soul. It screamed at him and flickered out of existence.

“I didn’t even do anything that time!” Dean laughed, grinning a little.

Castiel stood still, trying to fight the panic crawling up his throat.

He didn’t want to go back to Naomi.

He didn’t.

Never again.

“You’re not being helpful,” Castiel snapped, angry when the call of another soul came through. He felt a storm brewing not just in his soul but in the air. “Just, please,” Castiel begged and took Dean’s hand into his. He was thankful Dean didn’t fight it, and placed it on Dean being used to the closeness when they walked through the world so Dean could experience everything he could. He would need peak control over this reaping.

They appeared at an apartment where there was a man in his late 30’s, lying on the ground. His head had been busted open with what appeared to be a frying pan, if the woman shielding a child and holding onto the bloody metal was a hint.

“What the hell?” Dean said as he looked around.

Castiel waited for the soul to emerge as the woman and child gathered a few things and fled out of the apartment, keys falling down to the floor from the woman’s trembling fingers.

“Cas?”

Castiel shushed him and watched the soul rise. It smoked in an angry swirl until it filled out into a thin and lanky body. The man looked around, confused and then pissed.

“Did that bitch fucking brain me?!”

Castiel ignored his question. “Paul. Your time to pass has come.”

“That bitch fucking brained me! She-” Paul yelled, then huffed, storming around his body. “Should’ve fucking tossed her and the brat into a car and lit that shit on fire.”

Castiel moved between the man and Dean’s sight line. He could feel Dean tensing, emotions building up. Anger scorched along his back and he tried not to let it soak into him. While Dean had promised to stay quiet, promised to stay behind, it didn’t mean that Castiel’s own judgement hadn’t been affected.

He hates this man.

This pathetic, immaculately dressed man, which would have never bothered him before.

Castiel felt _judgement._

“Leave him here to rot, Cas,” Dean snapped, fury building in him until it consumed the room. Castiel could tell he was thinking of the valley of lost souls he’d taken him to.

“Are you ready to pass on?” Castiel asked the soul instead, moving forward.

“Or fucking send him to hell or something. Burn him out of existence,” Dean hissed.

Castiel kept Dean dampened and waited for the soul to respond.

The man puffed out his chest and laughed. His face was ugly with arrogance as he walked towards Castiel, “Bring it on.”

Castiel reached forward and pressed his fingertips to his forehead.

“Why’d you do that, Cas?” Dean asked, walking to him, fists clenched at his side. He yanked Castiel around and he found himself staring up at a face that looked betrayed.

Castiel turned away. “Dean, I’m a reaper.”

“Believe it or not, I’ve been paying attention.”

Castiel shook his head but didn’t pull back. He liked Dean’s hands on him. “Dean, I don’t get to choose what happens. I’m simply a mouth piece.”

“A pretty powerful mouthpiece,” Dean grumbled. His hands gentled but he kept them rested against Castiel’s chest.

They stood in silence, the room heavy with tension. Castiel felt guilty and exhausted.

‘What are you doing to me?’ Castiel wondered, resisting the urge to rest his head on Dean’s chest.

Suddenly he turned, leaving Castiel disoriented, swaying in place. “Dude! Holy shit.”

Castiel turned to follow Dean where he stepped over the body and settled himself on the man’s couch. Dean looked around and picked up the remote and turned up the TV volume. Another small thing that Castiel wasn’t sure if Dean understood took an immense amount of power.

“Dean?”

“Douchebag’s shouldn’t have this much cool shit,” Dean muttered, admiring the TV. “Or even be allowed to watch cool shit like this. I can’t believe I’m missing this!”

“Excuse me?” Castiel moved forward and Dean patted the empty space next to him on the couch.

Castiel bit his lip but ended up sitting down. It would take the body a while to start to rot, the soul was gone, and it would take the people in the apartment hours to notice the man was dead. Domestic disturbance was a common issue, no one would check in on them. They could indulge in whatever Dean wanted for a while.

He missed watching TV with Dean.

About an hour into the movie Castiel had to stay something. Things were starting to feel a little bizarre. “Dean…. We’re in a dead man’s apartment watching…. Zombie sharks?”

Dean laughed and turned, he lifted his knee to the couch and threw his arm along the back and his fingertips brushed against Castiel. “We’re in a douche bag’s apartment, which- Hey Cas, do zombies exist?”

Castiel smiled, enjoying the flushed excitement in Dean’s face. “No, they don’t.”

“Damn! I mean, good, ya know. But damn.”

“I’m sorry to disappoint,” Castiel said with a lopsided smile.

Dean chuckled and turned back to the TV. He adjusted himself and ended up scooted much closer to Castiel than they started.  Castiel tried not to act too tense as he felt Dean’s arm along his shoulders and his fingertips now grazing down the side of his arm. It felt domestic, close, it was… Castiel glanced at Dean and was relieved to see him completely zoned into the show. He relaxed minutely and looked at the hand perched on him. He’d seen humans sit together on couches in different positions and they all had different connotations. If this had been a movie night with Lisa she would’ve curled into him and leaned until her head rested on Dean.

But he wasn’t Lisa.

He was Castiel and this would have to be good enough.

They managed to watch most of the movie, Castiel trying to contain how good he felt, until they heard sirens.

Someone had called the cops. Castiel turned to the side, startled to see someone standing in the doorway, holding a hand over their mouth.

He hadn’t even noticed someone approach.

Dean sighed. “Damn it. We were almost done.”

Castiel glanced between Dean and the TV. They’d spent a little too much time together for Castiel to have forgotten just how much Dean enjoyed TV. It was a shame that he couldn’t afford Dean a few more moments. Castiel thought of the movie nights he’d intruded on and the other nights he’d simply spent in Dean’s company.

Dean slumped on the couch, expression somber and dark.

Castiel didn’t know how to fix it, “Would you… are you hungry, Dean?”

Dean flexed his hands and stood. He turned around and ran his hands idly over different objects in the apartment. “Not really, Cas. I don’t even need to eat. We should get back to practicing.”

Castiel bit his lip. He watched Dean trail around the apartment and then settle on the armrest of the couch while the police busted in. They cleared the room, Dean watching the commotion with indifference.

He’d indulged Dean too much already. He needed to force Dean to move on, not try and make his time in the void more comfortable. But… he couldn’t. His heart ached too much. Besides, spirits had been able to survive longer than Dean had and been fine. There were things he could do to sustain Dean longer, it would end up straining him a little more but it was worth it.

He stepped around Dean, watching the EMT’s rush in. Castiel watched Dean slump forward. He kept his eyes closed and Castiel could see Dean breathing in shallowly. It was something he’d seen him do when trying not to cry.

He had to do something.

Castiel sighed and moved closer to him. He placed his hand onto Dean’s shoulder and when he didn’t flinch or move away, let it rest there. “I’m… very unfamiliar with… human things, but I think we can… Dean, would, would you like a TV?”

Dean whirled around, eyes wide, seeming like he’d forgotten about the people around them. At least there weren’t tears in his eyes. “Can you even do that? There’s no electricity around the place and pretty sure the neighbors would notice if the lights all magically turned on.”

Castiel huffed, cheeks red, “I’m not a complete idiot, Dean. We could find another place?”

Dean finally fully perked up, like it hadn’t even occurred to him. To be fair, Castiel hadn’t mentioned that a move would be possible. “Apartment shopping with a reaper? Now there’s something I never thought I’d do.” Dean rubbed his hands together and threw his arm across Castiel’s shoulders, pulling him in close.

“Where do we start?”

...

Apartment shopping with Dean ended up being surprisingly… fun. They continued to practice when they could but for the most part in between reapings Dean preferred to try and find just the right place. He’d also become better at controlling his emotions even though in one of the first apartments they’d tried to take a look at Dean had gotten so excited that he’d accidentally knocked over a decorative piece to the floor.

It was actually a little concerning how strong and stable Dean was. A part of Castiel thought it could still be because how often he and Dean were in contact, and they’d been ‘physically’ touching a lot more lately. A part of him wanted to seek out Tessa but she would just encourage him to push Dean away. And if he were to be honest, on a petty level something that kept him away, and made him feel bitter was how close Dean and her had gotten during his time away.

The only silver lining that came from the apartment hunting, finally something that didn’t make him feel guilty, was that sometimes Dean would insist on checking out the apartment complex they’d stopped at instead of following Castiel to his reapings. It was a benefit. He could pretend that the apartments were a strategic distraction. He was being clever, not sentimental.

He was still losing more souls than he cared to admit.

…

Castiel appeared after a rather hard reaping to find Dean practically vibrating.

“Dean?”

“This place is _perfect,_ Cas.”

Castiel looked around. It was fully furnished, which concerned him, but Dean dragged him through the place ignoring his hesitation.

“So, this is pretty much a showroom, so they keep the lights on but no one visits except for like once every four months. It’s perfect.”

Castiel smiled and let Dean drag him into the kitchen. Dean pulled the blinds open to reveal a dull brick wall. “And see, the view is crap. Which means we won’t have any nosy neighbors that might see the lights come on. The apartments next to us are empty too, I’ve been stalking them and I think the only people who live in this place are downstairs on the main floor. I mean, couldn’t find a damn better place.”

“I’m glad you like it,” Castiel said diplomatically. Dean had done well, and the plan was sound, but he couldn’t shake off an unsettled feeling.   

Dean laughed and wrapped his arm around Castiel’s shoulder, he squeezed tightly and then let it slip down and around Castiel’s waist. Dean used his free hand to turn Castiel around. Castiel felt himself nearly flicker.

“Look, Cas.”

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel looked up, taken in completely by the glow in Dean’s eyes.

They were so close.

Dean took in a small breath and made sure he had Castiel’s attention. When he exhaled he felt it brush against his lips. Castiel closed his eyes.

Ghosts didn’t need air.

Spirits shouldn’t be able to ghost a warm breath across someone else’s lips.

Castiel’s lips.

“Listen, uh. Thank you, Cas.” He coughed awkwardly but didn’t turn away. “I’ve been kinda difficult to deal with, I know. Fuck.” Dean flushed a little. “You, you’re really not that bad. At all. I know we’ve had issues and, just. This is pretty damn nice of you.”

Castiel blushed and tried to move away but Dean kept him in place. He felt Dean’s hand leave his shoulder and touch the back of his neck. “Seriously, thank you.”

“You’re… you’re welcome, Dean,” Castiel mumbled, and while it made him nervous that Dean was so close to him he felt empty when Dean moved away, running his hands across the kitchen countertops.

“Hey, Cas. You think if we practice enough I could cook?”

Castiel felt his entire being soar. He nearly caused a short circuit. He’d loved watching Dean cook, always jealous of Tessa because she’d been able to experience it, and perhaps if things worked out, it would be something he could try for himself. Castiel smothered down his excitement and stuck his hands into his pockets.

“Maybe.”

…

Dean loved the apartment. It was amazing and pretty much perfect. He hadn’t been kidding when he told Cas just how much he liked it. He’d thought about it too since he wanted to spend more time actually _touching_ things, instead of just floating around being nothing, that he needed to find something functional but secluded. He’d been damn clever and the place was something to be proud of.

He felt more ok, less like something out of a horror movie and more like Casper.

There was enough shit going on around and a constant noise that filled him with ease. Cars driving by, people talking, and whoever the hell had moved in about a week ago that lived on the floor above him walking around and playing their TV way too loud.

Until he’d been left on his own at that ancient mansion thing he hadn’t even realized how badly he needed other things around him. When he’d been… alive he’d valued his privacy. Yeah he loved his friends and hell even grabbing a beer with the boys was fun, but he still liked to be by himself. Something that drove a few of his relationships away.

Dying had made him realize a few things especially how much he craved interaction.

He was smart enough to know he couldn’t just randomly go talk to people. Well, smart probably wasn’t the right word. When Cas had been gone he’d tried once and it sure as shit didn’t end up well for him or the girl he’d tried to talk to.

Pretty awfully actually.

This… this was better though.

He’d started to stay behind more too and there wasn’t a bitterness that exploded through him every time Cas left.

Castiel… actually was a good guy, damn it, and Dean totally hadn’t been hopeful that he’d like the place he’d picked. More than that, he liked having Castiel in it. One of his favorite things was pulling Castiel to a TV session and just watching him try and make sense of it. He’d started just by glancing at him every so often but now he just straight up stared, especially if it was something he’d already seen. Cas got so damn wrapped up in whatever he was watching that Dean could low key watch is reactions.

The guy was too adorable to be a reaper.

Still, sometimes being just at the apartment sucked but he sure as shit made sure Castiel never noticed. A, he didn’t wanna make the guy feel bad, he’d bent over backwards for him so far and B, having time alone meant that he could practice on his own as much as he wanted.

He’d figured out some shit whenever Cas had dropped him off at apartments. Just moving from room to room, opening and closing doors, human things. Now? He’d gotten down phasing from room to room. No walking, no nothing, just a thought and _bam_ , he was there. The furthest he’d gotten was about a block away from the apartment. It wasn’t something he wanted to share with Cas, the guy would probably blow a fuse.

“Have fun, Cas,” Dean said as Castiel apologized for needing to leave.

Another job.

A part of Dean felt a little bit bad about actually being glad that Castiel was back to work and ok with leaving him behind.

But he needed to get back to his family.

It had been a little over a month, weeks at least? More than a month? A few months? He’d seen a calendar maybe once and the one in the apartment was still on 2013. Honestly it felt like years but there was no way it could’ve been that. The world they walked around in didn’t seem like it had changed that much. He hadn’t seen any hover cars yet so that was a good sign. There wasn’t any real time flow in… wherever they were. (The afterlife? Tessa had called it the void. So in the void there wasn’t really a sense of time.)

And while talking to Tessa he’d finally accepted there was no damn way he was getting into his body now, he knew he’d left on his will that he wanted to be cremated so hopefully that’s where his body ended up, he still had a job to do.

People to take care of. It wasn’t like he could get in a car and go bring in the bank, but there were other ways to take care of people.

He’d left so many people behind, so many people who depended on him. His team, the ones still around after Victor but it wasn’t like he was the only one on the team. His friends, the ones that didn’t die in the fire, and his family. Fuck, Bobby and- Sam.

Fucking Sam.

And yeah, he’d been slipping, a little, a lot?

He’d done this to himself.

He’d fucked up his own family by fucking himself up.

What the hell had he done?

A lightbulb shattered and Dean stared at it. “Breathe. Breathe. Concentrate. Breathe. It’s okay.”

Dean squeezed his palms together and took in one long breath. He counted silently to himself then held it in, before slowly letting it out.

He’d been a good EMT.

It hadn’t been something he always wanted to do but it worked well for him.

Admitted, he’d always looked up to his late father and wanted to follow in his footsteps, John was a fireman. Not that being fireman had done them any good. John had been on call the night his mother, Mary, had died. She’d been a teacher, well loved by everyone around her.

The alarms had gone off and Dean had sprinted to drag Sam out of bed, bruising himself on the crib, and put him out in the yard.

He’d run back in, trying to get his mother out but she’d been too heavy. She’d passed out from smoke inhalation.

Someone, he didn’t know who, had shown up just as he stumbled down the stairs while trying to pull Mary with him. His small hands wrapped around her wrists, ankle bruised from where he’d tripped trying to drag the dead weight of his mother.

They’d manage to tumble down a few stairs together, Dean falling to the lower level while Mary laid across the steps.

They couldn’t save her. The fire had eaten the upstairs.

He remembered having a mask held over his face as another firetruck arrived. He watched his father sprint towards the burning building and his team hold him back.

John had gone downhill from there.

Dean had been ready to become a firefighter until he’d found his dad on the floor, nearly OD’d and managed to save him.

John died years later of lung cancer but Dean’s passion stuck.

Dean couldn’t even see what was playing on the TV, he simply stared into nothingness. Yeah, a lot of his most important family had already been dead when he passed but that didn’t mean it had been everybody. He’d still had a few friends, Jess, and Sam.

He’d been watching over Sam his entire life. Yeah Bobby was a damn good help but it had still been his job. And Jess. Beautiful Jess.

Dean dropped his head down and licked across his lower lip.

He’d never get to see them get married.

Or have a family.

He would never get to be an uncle or just a brother-in-law.

Dean was so lost in his thoughts that his knee smacked the table in front of him when Castiel materialized. He looked concerned and was holding a rectangular box. “Dean?”

God. The guy had earnest eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Dean stood up and walked over to him, looking at what Castiel had brought him. “Yeah, Cas. I’m fine.” Dean took the box from his hands and smiled. “Sonic?”

“I was told by Tessa that it was something you enjoyed?” Castiel admitted, blushing.

Fuck, the guy was cute. Not for the first time he regretted they were both dead, well, one of them and the other a god damn different species.

“I didn’t know what to get but they had this boxed meal? I think it’s chicken and gravy and-“

Dean opened the box and grinned, “Tater tots!”

Dean dragged Castiel to the couch and set the food down on the table. He noticed the cup in Castiel’s hand. “What else did you get,” Dean mumbled around a piece of chicken dripping in gravy. He caught a droplet in his hand and licked it off of his finger.

“A… slushie?” Castiel said holding it out to him. “Most of the people there seemed to be ordering the cherry one so I thought… perhaps you would like it?”

“It’s perfect, Cas,” Dean said and dragged him down to sit next to him. The guy liked to hover and seemed to need an invitation to join Dean. He wanted to ask Cas to have some but knew he wouldn’t. Besides, Sonic shouldn’t be the thing Castiel blissed out on. Instead he turned to the TV. “Oh man, Cas. You came in just at the right time. You a fan of Bond?”

“Bond?”

“James- James Bond,” Dean imitated. When Castiel didn’t react he put the slushie back down. “Really? Nothing? All right. Well you’re about to be educated. Sean Connoery is amazing.”

Dean ate in silence and honestly probably could’ve done without it (the thoughts he’d been mulling over didn’t exactly create an appetite), but Castiel had looked so damn stressed when he’d appeared that he figured it would make the guy happy. He ate as much as he could and then tossed his hand along the back couch.

Slowly, through the movie he scooted closer to Castiel and felt an unreasonable sense of comfort and safety just from touching Cas. Yeah, it was a little out of his comfort zone but he liked the guy, it wasn’t a sin to admit to that, and it wasn’t like he was completely allergic to physical comfort outside of sex. Besides. No one could see them.

He tugged Castiel closer to himself and couldn’t help but smile when Castiel didn’t fight him bringing him to his chest. Tingles erupted across him in a way that it never had with anyone else. It happened most times he touched Cas. It was probably a reaper thing.

Things were almost normal but the tingling got to be too much. He felt light headed.

Dean needed a distraction.

“You sure you’re not going to try just a little something?” Dean asked as the movie ended and another started playing. It was a Bond marathon and while he was a sucker for them he wasn’t sure if he could handle the closeness for another moment, too aware of himself.

Castiel looked up, head still on Dean’s chest. “I don’t eat, Dean. We’ve been over this.”

“Just a small bite? For me?” Dean asked putting on his best pout. He’d been able to wheedle free drinks out of bartenders with that face, he could get Cas to nibble on a damn tater tot.

Castiel looked away but finally nodded, nibbling at his lower lip. Dean figured the guy’s lips would’ve been chapped as hell with how much he bit at them but they always looked soft and smooth.

Had to be another reaper thing.

Dean sat up and missed the feeling of Castiel on his chest. The spot where his head had lain seemed cold.

“Here,” Dean said as he leaned forward. He popped open the cup of gravy and dipped a tatter tot in it. He held it out to Cas. “Come on, before the sauce drips on the couch. I don’t wanna clean out stains.”

Castiel leaned forward and ate it from his fingers.

Dean nearly dropped it, fingers shaking a little. Of course the guy couldn’t eat like a damn normal person. Then again, he hadn’t given Castiel a lot of choices. The food was covered in gravy and maneuvering it in any way would get it dripping on the couch. He _had_ told him he didn’t wanna clean anything up. Dean’s body buzzed when he felt Castiel’s lips and tongue graze against his fingers. He thought he heard a lightbulb in the kitchen pop out at the pleasure that erupted across Castiel’s face.

“Good, huh?” Dean stuttered out.

He didn’t think he could get hard in the void.

He was wrong.

…

Dean managed to get Castiel to snack on at least a little bit of something every time he came back from his ‘job’. And fuck if it wasn’t the cutest and hottest things ever. Even when Castiel hated what he had him try. Castiel liked fish, but only if it was grilled, hated salad (which made Dean irrationally happy), and had a near obsession with some strange amped up licorice from Finland. Castiel trusted him and seemed happy to come home to try out what Dean had wanted him to fetch.

Showing Castiel little pleasures made his damn day, but he couldn’t help the damn sour feeling that crept from his stomach to his throat every time Cas looked at him with that damn smile.

Castiel actually fucking liked him.

A lot.

Castiel really gave a shit about him and all the extra the guy went through to make sure Dean was comfy? He couldn’t even think about the days when he’d first died because looking back Castiel was already doing over and above things to make sure he was doing ok. (And it totally didn’t make him feel jaded that he’d seen Castiel do it with every spirit he ran across, not just him.)

Dean couldn’t help but feel bad sometimes when Castiel glowed and when he was gone all Dean could think of was how he’d started this whole damn… friendship, just because he needed Cas to do something for him. It had seemed like a brilliant idea at the time but he had to go and get his bleeding heart attached to a cold killer. (Even that didn’t make sense to him anymore. Castiel was anything but cold, and Dean had to admit that he was struggling with the idea of reapers being killers. Cas was kind of a bleeding heart too.)

Some nights Castiel came back worse for wear, one night with physical wounds. They’d faded pretty quickly but he’d managed to squeeze out of Cas that it was from a spirit. A rather violent one.

He’d figured reapers were untouchable.

Dean thought on what he and Tessa had talked about a while ago. That moving on was for the best. He’d seen the void due to Cas and that didn’t worry him as much. The violence, the people he could hurt (he’d never wanted a shot of whiskey as bad in his life as he thought of the gas station), and what being a spirit could mean to others. It worried him but he was stronger than that, he had _self control_. But most importantly Castiel would make sure he never got that far. He would never let Dean hurt someone. (He didn’t know when he’d started trusting Cas so implicitly but it was probably between the fourth and seventh movie night they’d had together.)

Besides, Castiel seemed to really like having him around.

…

“I promise you Cas, you’ll like this.”

“This looks awful,” Castiel said looking at the sloppy joe Dean was holding out to him.

“Oh come on, just one bite,” Dean teased, scooting closer.

“Dean-“

“Just a bite,” Dean insisted, resting his hand on the back of Castiel’s neck.

It was a very nice neck.

Before Dean could push him further, Castiel froze. “I need to go.”

“Cas?”

Castiel looked at him, looking more panicked than he’d ever seen him. “Dean- I need to go.”

Something wasn’t right.

“I’m coming with you.”

“No! Dean, you’re not.”

“You’ve never had an issue before!”

“Dean, please.”

Dean dropped the food onto the floor and stood up. 

“Take. Me. With. You.”

Castiel looked like he’d swallowed a bucket of nails.

“Now.”


	8. Chapter 7

Castiel kept a strong hold on Dean, fingers trembling.

The entire room was bloody.

The residents had their chests ripped open. Bones gleamed stark white with the flashing light from the TV.

And there, right in the middle of the carnage, a soul. One that Dean had forced Castiel to let go.

He hadn’t wanted Dean to see, he was too smart not to figure out who it was.

“Cas… what the hell happened here?” Dean whispered, hands shaking.

Castiel tensed when the ghost noticed them. He knew he couldn’t be touched, but Dean… “Dean. Move.” Castiel snapped, pushing him to the side as the spirit charged towards them.

Dean stumbled backwards, falling to the ground. His hand slipped through the floor as he crawled away while Castiel reigned the spirit in, dragging it backwards and away from Dean. Castiel felt panicked.

This thing could follow them, chase them, and more importantly, hurt Dean.

“Forgive me,” Castiel whispered as he drew back. He searched deep to the darker edges of his power.

He was about to do something very unforgivable.

A power they weren’t allowed to use.

He yanked the spirit back and threw it against the wall. He ignored Dean’s yell of surprise and placed his hand onto the spirit’s chest. “Mors Ultima Linea Rerum Est.” He flinched as the spirit started glowing, cracks spattering across it, the red finally spreading off of it to Castiel from where he’d pressed his hand.

“No,” the spirit whispered as Castiel burned it out of existence.

He’d committed one of their biggest taboos.

Lucifer would be proud.

He’d never felt so numb.

He stared at the wall until Dean pressed his hand against his shoulder. “Cas?”

Castiel turned around, refusing to look him in the eye. There wasn’t an emotion he wanted to face other than the emptiness he carried in him. Selfishly he was at the very least happy he wasn’t the one assigned to reap the parents.

They could leave.

“I’m all right.”

Dean scoffed though it sounded shaky, “Right. Come on, Cas. Let’s go home.”

Castiel nodded and reached out to grab Dean’s hand.

…

The apartment seemed more welcoming than it had when they’d left it. Dean moved away from him and collapsed onto the couch. His eyes were wide and his face pale. “Cas, what the hell was that?”

Castiel sat down on the couch and pulled Dean towards him. They’d… been _close_ while watching TV, Castiel hesitated to call it cuddling, but it was reminiscent of it, so he figured this was an acceptable level of physical contact. Dean rested his head on Castiel’s shoulder and didn’t fight the arm that Castiel wrapped around him. They held each other for a while until Dean adjusted. He stuck his nose into the nape of Castiel’s neck and took a deep breath. “Cas…”

“A spirit,” Castiel answered, thinking of the shrieking, broken thing that had murdered their own family.

“No… that’s not a spirit. A spirit is- a spirit!” Dean ripped himself away and started pacing around their living room.

When had he started thinking of this place as theirs?

Dean wrung his hands together and then dragged them through his hair. He turned wild eyes to Castiel. “A spirit is something like me!” Dean insisted, slapping an open palm at his chest. “Or, whatever the hell those fucked up things in that fucked to hell sad place were. Just kinda there and whimpery and full of nothing.”

Castiel shook his head and leaned his arms over his knees. “Dean, this is what happens to spirits who don’t move on.”

Dean froze completely. It was a good thing he didn’t need to breathe.

Castiel stared at him, worried and morose. He’d hoped that Dean would move on without ever having to have seen that. Perhaps at the beginning he’d wished that Dean would understand how badly things went for spirits but now it just seemed cruel.

“Take me to my family.”

Castiel sighed and clenched his teeth. “Dean, I can’t.”

Dean walked forward, “Cas.”

“Dean. I. Can’t.”

Dean leaned down and cupped Castiel’s face between his palms. He moved in closer until their foreheads and noses were touching. Dean wouldn’t stop looking at him.

He couldn’t say no when Dean looked at him like that.

“Please, Cas. I know there’s a heart in there somewhere. Cas…”

Castiel tried not to react. This was bad. Very bad.

Dean tilted in closer, lips brushing against his cheek. “For me?”

Castiel swore he could taste Dean. He swallowed and finally nodded, “Alright.”

…

The apartment was dark.

Castiel had taken Dean back to his own place and he could see Dean prepare to be pissed. He’d asked to be taken to Sam and instead he was back at his own home.

He wished he’d kept a closer eye on Dean’s family but they had never been important to him. Castiel looked behind him and stepped out of Dean’s field of vision.

Sam was sitting at Dean’s tiny kitchenette table. There was a half empty bottle in his hand and he was surrounded by boxes.

“Sammy!” Dean walked forward and tried to go to his brother but just passed through him.

Sam shivered.

Castiel looked around the apartment. It was far from the warm, wonderful place he’d seen it as. All of the posters had been taken off of the walls. The copious amounts of pictures of their family were strewn around the table Sam was sitting at. The furniture was still in place but it looked beaten, like someone had taken their frustrations out on them. Castiel glanced at Sam. From what he knew of the younger brother he was a lot calmer but he’d seen Dean destroy things in his sadness. He wouldn’t be surprised if Sam had reacted the same way.

Besides, he was sure there was no way Sam would’ve been able to keep a dead man’s couch.

The TV at least had been packed up safely, and dishes set away in boxes labeled ‘kitchen’. All the lamps had been taken down and the only light that was coming in was from an outside street lamp. There were other boxes that Castiel couldn’t quire discern but it was clear that the apartment was in the middle of being cleared out, though there was very little progress, at least when you considered how long it had been since Dean’s passing.

Dean had been dead for almost four months. Dean’s lease should’ve expired so someone would’ve had to pay to keep it open to them so that Dean’s things weren’t thrown out. Castiel had seen it before on souls that had been put on the back burner for a pick up. Sad, faded things that crept around their home, screeching into the void when apartment workers threw their things away.

** **

Castiel turned back to the kitchen and watched as Dean desperately and very unsuccessfully tried to talk to Sam. Perhaps Dean could’ve, he’d been practicing, but he wouldn’t be able to. Not while Castiel was there. If Dean managed to contact Sam it could be awful so he purposefully dampened Dean.

“Cas!” Dean turned around, looking frantic and clutched at Castiel’s shoulders. “Why can’t he hear me? Why can’t I touch him?!”

Castiel brought one hand to Dean’s waist, gentle, and when Dean didn’t flinch he pulled him closer. He looked past Dean at where Sam was swaying and taking another sip from the bottle. “Living beings take a lot more energy to interact with.”

“Help me!” Dean begged, pulling Castiel closer. He brought his hands across Castiel’s shoulders and then to the back of his neck. “I need to. Cas- I _need_ to.”

Castiel shook his head. “Dean… it is a _very_ bad idea to show yourself to grieving loved ones or stay by them.”

Dean pulled away and looked like he was going to throw a punch to Castiel’s jaw. “What? Just in case I _kill_ him? I won’t end up like that! I’ll leave before I do!” Dean paused, and took in a deep breath. He whirled around, but this time there was a different look in his eyes. Something more knowing, something softer. “Besides, _you wouldn’t let that happen._ ”

Castiel looked to the side and tried not to look at Dean. His chest heaved as he thought of what was going on. The apartment was heavy with grief and he couldn’t handle the fear vibrating at him from Dean. He closed his eyes when Dean moved closer and touched his face with his hands. He let Dean cradle him but shook his head. He lifted his head enough so that he was nuzzled into Dean’s neckline. “I can’t.”

Dean stilled and Castiel held his own body tight and unmoving. He couldn’t crumble, not here.

“I could get better on my own, right?” Dean squeezed him tighter. “Right?”

Castiel sighed and tried not to feel guilty about how much he was enjoying being so close to Dean. Not every reaper was skilled enough and not every ghost was strong enough, but he could smell the lingering scents on Dean. He’d never been close enough long enough to enjoy it. It was intoxicating. Still he couldn’t lie. It _was_ possible for a short while. “Yes, Dean.”

Dean pulled away determined. “Then we practice. Now. You promised, Cas.”

“I don’t remember doing that.” Castiel moved back and looked to the side, depressed. He tried to pull away and he could feel Dean reluctant to let him go.

His breath stuttered for a moment when Dean moved his hand to cup his cheek again. A gentle thumb ran along his cheekbone. Castiel looked up and felt unnaturally vibrant with Dean touching him. Electricity crawled through hi and he felt at peace even if the situation wasn’t. Dean turned his head to look at his brother where he was nearly falling face first into the table. “But we have to stay at least until… until we’re sure he’s ok. Please, Cas. Please.”

Castiel nodded and untangled himself from Dean. He did it slowly, worried that Dean would collapse under his trembling. Sam was already fairly drunk and Castiel found that he could somewhat sympathize with the feeling. He’d never understood living beings’ need to lose themselves but… If he lost Dean…

_Stay…_

Castiel shook the thought away. He _would_ lose Dean. Terror rushed through him at the force of his own feelings for this tiny, insignificant in the grand scheme, human being. Yes, things between them were rather unorthodox but it had been okay. It was one thing to idolize him as something foreign and out of reach and another to want to keep him, to be terrified of losing him. Castiel forced the thoughts to the back of his mind and moved towards Sam.

He reached his hand out and gently touched him, helping him to sleep. Sam fell to his touch easier than Dean ever had.

“Get him on the couch,” Dean said moving forward to try and help with him but quickly realized he couldn’t touch him, hands slipping through Sam’s arm.

Castiel gave him a small smile and lifted Sam up out of the chair, cradling him.

“Look at you, Superman.”

“I don’t know who that is.”

Dean laughed, trying to hide the tears in his eyes, “Guess we got some culture to catch up on when we get back.”

Castiel laid him on the couch and watched as Dean walked around the apartment, finally coming back with a blanket. He laid it over his brother and looked down for a moment. There was nothing radiating off of him.

He turned to Cas. “Let’s go.”

…

They appeared back at _their_ apartment and Castiel stood to the side while Dean walked around until he sat down at one of the kitchen chairs. There wasn’t anything he could say or do.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck with one hand and licked his lips. He looked up finally. “So… uh, thanks. For you know… everything with Sam.”

“It was the least I could do,” Castiel said instead of ‘anything for you’.

“Man, I could really use a drink,” Dean laughed, leaning back against the couch.

Castiel sat down next to him and tried to contain a smile when the first thing Dean did was pull him in and hold his hand. Still, he didn’t know what to do. He’d never had to ‘comfort’ someone before. He chose to rub his thumb gently over Dean’s knuckles.  Dean had done it often enough to others and it had soothed them.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I can arrange that.”

Dean laughed bitterly, “You’d be damn good for my liver and kidneys, if I was alive, ya know, and had a liver and kidney to worry about. Hey maybe I should pick up smoking. No lungs to damage.”

Castiel just nodded. Yes, it was in his power to get Dean liquor and give him that feeling. He could eat so it followed that he could drink, after all he’d consumed water before. Especially with the help of a reaper he could experience those things. He’d heard too many tales from Balthazar and Gabriel about human marvels. It could be done. But… he’d watched the way that Dean buried himself into alcohol so he chose to stay quiet, instead giving Dean as much bodily comfort as he could.

The silence lasted for a while until he dug around for the remote. TV would at least be some noise. Noise was better than this silence. He flipped through the channels, feeling desperate, until he found a Dr. Sexy marathon.

Reapers believed in certain ethereal beings, even the Abrahamic God, because they knew Death would reap them eventually. This was the first time Castiel had felt that perhaps there was something soft in the ‘divine’ that Dean’s family believed in.

Dean finally began to stir and Castiel moved away to try and give him space. On TV he’d once heard that overcrowding someone when they were in a bad spot would only make it worse. Especially if the person in question wasn’t very open to any type of comfort. Dean dragged him back, this time Castiel resting against his chest. Surprisingly, he felt Dean’s hand caress through his hair. Dean stared up at the ceiling. “Hey, Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“How did you know where I lived? Another reaper thing?”

Castiel tensed, panicking. It wasn’t the question he’d expected. There were very few secrets between them, the only ones had everything to do with the void. For one, Castiel had always been very transparent and two he already knew everything about Dean. This however was something he’d never cared to share.

Dean noticed.

Dean sat up on the couch and turned, lifting Castiel’s chin up with a gentle finger. “Cas?”

Castiel tried to scoot away but Dean wouldn’t let him.

Castiel blushed and looked down. Dean needed the distraction more than he valued any decorum he had left. It was the only reason he chose to speak. “I knew where you lived, and no, it wasn’t because I am a Reaper.”

“How?”

Castiel squirmed around, beet red but Dean wouldn’t let go. Dean’s thumb stroked underneath his eye and he leaned in closer. He nudged Castiels’ head with his own and whispered into his ear. “Were you stalking me?” Castiel couldn’t respond and Dean drew back, lifted an eyebrow and frowned. “I knew it. Reapers stalk their victims!”

Castiel moved back, offended on behalf of his kind. “No! We get our marks just as they die. Name, location, and relevant information.”

Dean leaned back against the cough, sprawling out. He nudged Castiel’s knee with his foot. “So? If the _relevant information_ or _location_ was my place, how did you manage to find it beforehand?”

Castiel moved to the far side of the couch and fidgeted. Outside of his own humiliation his reasons for finding Dean in the first place were in danger of making Dean even sadder. He’d had enough shocks for the day but Dean would be able to tell if he lied. He didn’t have much of a poker face when it came to him. “You worked as an EMT.”

“I think I know that,” Dean bit out, already angry. He didn’t like thinking of it.

Castiel coughed, “Well, you live-d….around death, and I’m a reaper.” He glanced up to see Dean looking amused instead of angry because of his hesitation. “I’d… just seen you very often before… before you died.”

Dean grinned, ignoring the mention of his death and scooted closer. It was better than seeing him sad even if it was a deflection. He ran his hand from Castiel’s knee up his thigh. “I don’t remember doing a lot of my work at home? Getting in and out of my uniform is pretty much the closest I got.”

Castiel felt extremely uncomfortable. He had hoped that this would _never_ come up with Dean. Then again he hadn’t expected to be around Dean this long. “I was… worried about you, some nights.”

Dean looked smug, like the cat that got the cream. He’d never seen a cat have a preference for that dairy product but Castiel was sure this was the expression human beings were speaking of. “Some nights, huh? So more than one time?”

Castiel shrugged and scooted away. Dean only followed until they were nestled against the other side of the couch, Castiel’s back hitting the armrest.

“I was worried.”

Dean grinned, “My very own personal reaper. Would you look at that.” Dean slid his arm across Castiel’s shoulder and pressed their legs together. He trailed his fingers along the nape of Castiel’s neck, slipping them down and along his collarbone. “Guess you can say I made it in life, or death I guess.”

Castiel bit his lip, then licked it. “It was luck really that I got your case, but I can’t deny that I was … thrilled. I was going to finally be able to meet you.”

“So, I’m special? Huh. Lucky me.” Dean leaned in closer and moved his arm down until Castiel had to lift forward so that Dean could place his arm at his back. He reached over with his other arm and turned Castiel into him. He scooted in closer and stared Castiel down. “So, even dead, I think I’ve been reading the vibes right.”

Castiel jerked back but Dean just brought his free hand to Castiel’s face. His fingers played along the side of his face. “Do you have a crush on me, Cas?”

Castiel jumped away, trying to leave the couch, his heart hammering in his chest. “I- no! No! How would you get that?”

“I may be dead, but I’m not dumb.”

Castiel moved further away completely flustered. His head felt too full, too busy. If he could’ve had the capability for it he probably would’ve vomited from the nerves.

So instead of doing anything tactful he blurted out, “So, you finally believe you’re dead?”

Dean reeled back, all the humor and play gone from his face. Dean collapsed back onto the couch, completely somber. “Yeah, Cas. Yeah I guess I fucking do.”

Silence overtook the apartment and Castiel felt his insides twist. Dean was upset again and it was his fault. He had to do something. Anything.

Castiel tugged at the edges of his coat. “I… you may be right. I wouldn’t know myself.”

The distraction worked. Finally, he smiled a little and scooted back towards Cas. “How do you not know?”

Castiel blushed, “It’s not something I’ve ever felt before. I wouldn’t know to recognize or identify it. I didn’t think reapers could even feel… _that_.”

Dean moved up into Castiel’s space. “Wouldn’t know? Come on, Cas. Tessa seems to have plenty of feelings and is always going around doing things. She at least eats.”

Castiel pouted and tried to shimmy away from Dean’s grip. “I eat some of your snacks.”

Dean laughed and just pulled closer, he pressed their faces together, both palms now cradling Castiel’s neck, thumbs grazing his throat. “But come on, I mean _look_ at you. You’re seriously telling me that at that ‘high level bracket’ of yours of these exclusive reapers, you haven’t ever felt anything? For anyone?”

Castiel turned his face away from Dean’s piercing eyes. “I’ve never been curious or cared.”

Dean grinned and brought his mouth to Castiel’s ear. “So, am _I_ special then?”

Castiel trembled and licked his lips. “Tessa… Tessa says I have an attraction or at least… she’s told me that I… care. But I don’t. I don’t know.”

Dean bit his own lip and a wicked smile played across his lips. “I know a way to test it out?”

“Dean. You don’t even like me,” Castiel said, finally pulling away.

Dean huffed and let him move. “Are you seriously turning me down?”

Castiel felt flustered, panicked, “No. Dean. I… you’re emotionally-“

Dean interrupted him. “I’m tired. No booze, no sex. Hey, you can make me fade out. Right?” Castiel didn’t respond. “Do it.”

He leaned forward, chest aching. Everything had lost control.

Everything was wrong.

Everything…

He lifted his hand to Dean’s forehead. Dean reached out and grabbed his wrist before he could do anything. “I don’t… I don’t hate you. Just my situation. You’re… actually ok.”

“Just ok?” Castiel asked with a small, weak smile.

Dean smiled back and reached to stroke his fingers through Cas’ hair, seeming more calm. “We’ll talk more later… I’m… I need a break. It’s too much for me right now. I swear I’m ok, just… too much, Cas. Too much.” Castiel lifted his fingers to Dean’s forehead. “Thank you.”

…

Dean blinked and for a moment felt a little ok until he remembered what the hell situation he was in. He sat up and looked around. Cas wasn’t there and he felt like shit.

“I didn’t even have anything to drink,” Dean muttered, resting his head in his hands. Ghosts shouldn’t be able to get headaches. He didn’t even have a damn system to support it. No booze and headaches. The afterlife was glorious.

He looked around and tried not to think too much of Sam and started thinking of Cas. It didn’t help. Church had told him that death would be peaceful, this was anything but.

“Damn it.”

Castiel was actually pretty awesome and he liked the guy. Fuck if he’d been alive he would’ve been all over that the second he saw him. Hell even dead he wanted to be all over that. Sex would’ve never come into it when he was trying to manipulate Cas, that felt a little too close to abuse and rape, but fuck. Now with everything… He was actually really into Cas. Even thinking about his name gave him a buzz like nothing he’d felt when he was breathing air.

Cas was actually nice and amazing and god damn it. Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered as much if it hadn’t been _Cas_ , if it had been anyone else but the reaper was just so damn sincere about everything he did.

The way he treated everything, the way he just _was._

Dean scratched at his scalp and thought of Tessa, thought of the warnings she’d give him about existence as a spirit and that she should give Castiel a break. That he was amazing, and good, and to be _careful_ with him. He’d thought it was bullshit, some reaper trick to get him to move on or give up. Castiel wasn’t bullshit. He was worth being careful with.

Dean saw it now.

He _genuinely_ liked the guy. And he ended up being right about him being dead. But, it wasn’t like that was easy to accept from the get go and now that he’d had the time to think about it, God damn he’d been an ass to Castiel and for fucks sake the guy should’ve dropped him off in the void ages ago.

He might’ve even asked the guy out on a date if he’d been alive. And maybe if they’d both been alive he would’ve let himself fantasize about a third date. Fifteen. A year’s worth. And then maybe, they’d decide to get serious and introduce each other to their families. Another year would pass and they’d feel at home with each other but scared to move in because _they weren’t ready._ And finally on Christmas in their third year of being together he’d be terrified showing Cas a list of apartments in their price range with all the things they both liked. Maybe, Cas would blush (he did pretty easily) and shove crumpled apartment listings at him too. They’d laugh and combine the piles.

It would be an apartment with a garden. Dean wouldn’t have been able to move very far from his job. They wouldn’t be able to get the wide open door things Castiel loved, but they could find a garden or at least a big balcony where Cas could set one up for himself. They’d argue over furniture and the best appliances to buy. Cas would get frustrated when Dean refused to call maintenance and fix things himself until they _had_ to when Dean broke the pipe to the sink.

He’d be a dick and Cas would understand and then they’d have Chinese and fuck each other silly.

Then maybe a few more years would pass and he’d freak out about what type of ring to buy another man even though Castiel didn’t believe in gender roles, and kept hinting that he didn’t feel one gender himself to begin with.

And then on New  Years, because Dean needed to be a dork, he’d pull him into one of the junkers laying around In Bobby’s yard away from everyone and he’d drop the little black box and…

But no.

He’s dead, fucking dead.

And nothing throws a wrench into dating plans like being dead.

The TV was still buzzing quietly in the background and Dean reached for the remote. He tried not to think of anything as he stared at whatever the hell TV show was going on, some damn dress show, but he didn’t have the energy to change the channel.

White noise enveloped him and he barely registered the world around him. Suddenly he smelled something amazing. His belly growled.

He turned around to see Cas standing awkwardly in the corner, a sad look on his face, holding a bag. It had small grease stains at the bottom. His face lit up when he noticed the logo on the bag. His favorite burger place outside of the Roadhouse.

“Cas? Are these?”

Castiel shifted from side to side, looking embarrassed. “Since the uhm… proverbial cat is out of the bag… not a literal bag. I would never trap a cat in a bag, I knew you might like this. And I know that you’ve accepted it and I know death and can be a shock and things aren’t exactly good for you right now and pleasant and-“

Dean shook his head and dipped it low so that Castiel couldn’t see his face. A warm, affectionate smile had blossomed on his face and he knew it.

He _really_ liked the guy.

Dean stood up and gave Cas a bright smile, it seemed to ease a bit of the ache he’d seen in Castiel’s eyes. He walked over and wrapped him up tight. Dean kissed the side of his cheek. “Thanks, Cas.”

His heart fluttered at the glow in Castiel’s eyes when he pulled back. Sadness, he’d decided, wasn’t a good look on Cas. This was so much better.

“Look, Cas. I kinda think I’ve been a major ass.” Castiel laughed and Dean shoved at his shoulder. “Hey, I’m trying here.” Dean took a deep breath and held Castiel by his bicep. “Look, I’m still not giving up on… things. But, I at least owe it to you to treat you with respect. If nothing else. But… I don’t hate you.” Dean took the food out of Castiel’s hand and set it on a table. He walked back towards Cas and took both of his hands into his palms. “I actually like you a lot.”

Castiel’s body twitched and he looked away, cheeks crimson. Tessa had never blushed and he found himself loving that Castiel did. Castiel gave him a shy smile and leaned in close. Dean wrapped his arms around him and was about to kiss the top of his head when he felt it.

It was familiar.

This comfort, this aura, whatever the fuck you wanted to call it was familiar. “I know this feeling,” Dean whispered, feeling head blind.

Dean took in a deep breath and tried to remember.

What he remembered was being at his apartment and feeling safe, comforted. That everything was going to be okay. That he was loved. Especially after bad days. Not like the few dreams he had of his mother, or the memories of his father tucking him into bed on the good nights. No, it was different. He remembered it disappearing for a while but now thinking back, he always knew when that feeling was around. There was a spice to it, a non-familial love, and it wasn’t a feeling he remembered having with Lisa or Cassie, or any of the random men and women he’d brought to his apartment.

Nothing like this.

He pulled back from Castiel, who wasn’t meeting his eye.

It told him enough.

“How often did you visit?” Castiel tried to turn away but Dean pulled him back in. “How often were you around?”

Memories, ones he barely remembered, flooded to him. Memories of the worst nights of his adult life but he’d still felt that someone was watching over him. Drunken fantasies of someone with black hair, blue eyes, and a dark coat tucking him in and making sure he was cared for. “Cas…”

Castiel swallowed and let Dean pull him close. “I… cared… care about you a great deal. I had to make sure you were okay.  With everything you gave to others I _had_ to… it was selfish of me and inappropriate and I-”

Dean bit his lip and nuzzled his face into Castiel’s hair. He couldn’t explain what he was feeling. It felt like home. But it was too much too soon. It had to be. But somehow still right. Something that had been missing and was now where it was supposed to be.

He’d fallen for a ghost of a feeling, a dream, long before he knew it was real.

Dean just stood there, holding Castiel close, listening to his breathing.

His chest was full of _something._ He had a feeling he knew what it was but it was too soon.

Too soon.

Still…

For the foreseeable future they were going to be near each other and recklessly he decided not to worry about it. He’d died running recklessly into the face of an uncertainty, maybe he could make something positive out of it. “So… I feel better.”

Castiel smiled and god was that a smile.

And fuck did he have some eyes.

When they’d first met Dean was convinced there was something awful inside of them, but now.

There was so much… life in them, so much warmth.

Dean was hooked.

“I may be dead, you may be a reaper, but fuck. Can I just try one thing? Feel free to hit me after.”

Castiel looked concerned but nodded, “Yes”

Dean tugged Castiel close and brought his hand along Castiel’s chin until he was cradling it properly. “Here we go, Cas,” Dean whispered and leaned down. His lips brushed Castiel’s and he didn’t even realize that they could feel so warm and perfect.

Shouldn’t death have been cold?

It wasn’t like they were some type of magic fairy lips, but god the sparks that flitted through his body left him breathless. He pulled back just a little, grazing his lips across Castiel’s, reluctant to stop touching.

“Dean-“

Dean leaned back in and kissed him, running his fingertips across the back of Castiel’s neck and to the edge of his ear. “Look, I’m not bending over backwards or being weird just-. You’re… I honestly don’t get it. This is all sorts of fucked up but I figure we’ve got nothing to lose. Or,” Dean gave Castiel another soft kiss. “I’m not trying for anything insane or something but… fuck it, right? You only live once? Die once?”

…

Castiel felt himself about to start shaking. Dean had kissed him. He’d… _kissed_ him.

Multiple times.

On his own.

On purpose.

Castiel tried not to cling to Dean.

He felt on fire and weak.

But guilty, so, insanely guilty.

He had wanted this so bad, for so long, and he couldn’t have explained before now that _this_ is what he’d wanted, or a part of it. Castiel shook when Dean dipped down another kiss.

Castiel imagined that this is what a star felt like.

Things could get so bad, so complicated, but with Dean’s lips on his and his hand brushing through his hair, there seemed to be no downside.

Even in the moment, Dean was probably just using him as a coping mechanism. Something to deal with what the rest of whatever his… death was throwing at him. There were so many factors to consider but it was too good. And if nothing else, there was fondness in his soul. Something he couldn’t hide as Dean’s hands wandered across Castiel’s body.

Dean pulled back and Castiel panted. He tried to remind himself that he didn’t have lungs. It was impossible for him to be _out of breath._ He had to be flushing, because apparently his being had developed the capability to, otherwise his cheeks wouldn’t have felt as hot, and tried to look away but Dean grasped his jaw and placed a gentle kiss to his nose. “So, how about we dig into those burgers you brought? Before they get soggy?”

Dean brought him to the couch, but before they could sit Dean tugged at his coat. For the first time since they’d met he pulled his trench coat off.

Dean laughed, “You really are just suited up, huh.”

Castiel blushed and Dean started to unbutton his jacket until he was down to his white undershirt.

“There, that looks a little better.”

“Better?”

Dean nudged him and dragged the table towards himself, it scrapped and bounced along the ground. “Sometimes I feel a little off balance. I’m pretty much in casual and you’re there ready to go to an office meeting.”

“Dean you’re wearing your uniform.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “Yeah but I take shit off when you don’t. Or haven’t you noticed?”

Castiel blushed.

“Hah. You do. So what’s with the get up?” Dean started to eat, tearing the burger Castiel had gotten Dean in half. “Come on, try a bite.”

Castiel obliged and was ready to ignore the topic except Dean wouldn’t stop looking at him. “The visual was pleasing to me.”

Dean laughed, “So what? You walked down the street and saw Constantine and went ‘that’s what I’m gonna look like’.”

Castiel frowned, “Who is Constantine?”

Dean groaned and dramatically lifted his arms to the sky. “I’m sorry the above and beyond. I have failed you.”

“Dean, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Castiel complained. Despite his frustration at references he would never understand Dean _was_ looking brighter, happier, and whatever was playing on TV made Dean laugh as he ignored Castiel’s response. Wanting to encourage the mood he gently tapped at the edge of Dean’s plate.

Dean looked a little bit too pleased when Castiel shyly asked for the last bite of Dean’s half of the burger.

“I knew it,” Dean laughed, handing it over happily.

Dean reached forward and chugged the soda he’d brought him and for a moment Castiel worried that Dean would think too hard on the fact that he could drink liquid. Luckily, all he did was lean back and rub at his belly. “So, I feel like you know everything about me. But… how long? Since when?”

“I don’t remember.”

“What? Not a crush on first… sight? Reaping at first sight? Whatever the hell it’s like for you guys?”

“You… I,” Castiel shifted awkwardly around on the couch. “I admired your drive. The way you worked so hard to save the people you saved. Your passion is… breathtaking. You’re breathtaking.” Castiel glanced at Dean and immediately ducked down at the strange look on his face. “There were a few souls I almost lost because you were trying so hard to save them.”

Dean laughed quietly and shifted until he could wrap his arm around Castiel and grinned. “So, I’ve been a pain your ass since day one, huh?”

Castiel nudged Dean gently and shook his head. He could afford some truth now that Dean seemed stable enough. He stuttered for a moment, never having talked to someone in length about the void or his own existence. There had never been a reason to. “Death… is an interesting thing. But it is very finite. Yes it-“ Castiel took in a deep breath, not wanting to get into more specifics of his difficulties. “It was frustrating at first, especially with souls that knew you but… it didn’t matter to me. You were…” Castiel paused and tried to settle his emotions. He didn’t know how to go on. He didn’t want to make Dean uncomfortable by writing verbal poetry to him. It was better to stay quiet, it had been hard enough to remember not to speak of Ash.

Dean shrugged and finally pulled Castiel back down. He shifted so that he was lying across the couch. Castiel flailed a little, not sure what to do with his hands until he tucked one arm underneath him as Dean nestled them together.

He swore Dean had created a heart in him because something hammered violently in his chest. Their position couldn’t have been mistaken for anything except cuddling.

“So… how much did you see?”

“Not a lot. Not everything. I _do_ have a job.”

“I guess you do,” Dean laughed.

“But… I did… I was, concerned. So I followed you and I stayed. Very many nights. I stayed,” Castiel admitted, clenching his fingers into Dean’s shirt.

Dean nodded and tucked Castiel closer to him. He stroked his hand up and down Castiel’s back. “If it makes you feel any less awkward. It helped… it, really helped.”

Castiel hid his face into Dean’s chest but couldn’t help the pleased feeling that vibrated in his body. Dean turned his head to the TV and they watched some strange baking competition in silence until a commercial started.

“So… I still feel like we’re unbalanced. You seem to know everything about me and I know nothing about you.”

Castiel hummed, his cheek warm from Dean’s chest. “What would you like to know?”

“Have you always been a reaper?”

Castiel curled in closer to Dean but lifted his head so that they could look at each other. “Most of us were created… came into existence fully formed.”

“Most?”

“At least those of us in the higher brackets. The firsts.”

Castiel nearly preened when he felt Dean’s hand in his hair again. It was quickly becoming one of his favorite feelings. Dean’s fingers brushed along his scalp.

“So, I know you don’t really eat, which is a damn pity and we’re working on that, but what else outside of stalking me do you do for fun? Amusement parks? Sex? What?”

Castiel blushed and ducked his head down, staring at his hand and stroked along the soft fabric of Dean’s shirt. “If you must know, I haven’t ever seen a purpose for doing anything outside of my job. I’m very proud of it. I live vicariously through Tessa though she did say that you were my first ‘hobby’.”

Dean shifted away from Cas and lifted them up to a sitting position. Castiel missed the closeness but scooted back a little to give him his space. Dean slung his arm over the back of the couch. “So, you and Tessa? Nothing going on there?”

“Oh! No, Dean. No.”

Dean laughed, “What? She not to your liking? That was a pretty strong denial. I don’t know whether to defend or be jealous.”

Castiel shook his head and smiled, “She’s beautiful, wonderful, but she’s my best friend. We’ve known each other for a while.”

Dean smirked, “How long is a while for you? Since the beginning of time?”

“No, we met at an errand for Death.”

Dean sat up, grinning from ear to ear, curious. “Death? Like scythe and black robe DEATH?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Dean. They wear a black suite. And they are all the reapers’… boss I suppose is the easiest way to explain it to you.”

“Boss?”

‘I believe we just established that.”

Dean chuckled and scooted closer, he stroked his hand down the nape of Castiel’s neck. “What errand?”

“We were getting them bacon hot dogs.”

Dean threw his head back and laughed, “You were on a _food_ run for _Death._ D.E.A.T.H.?”

“Where do you think Tessa gets her affection for it?”

“Man, you guys are weird,” Dean said as he leaned his head against the arm that was brushing through Castiel’s hair. He slipped his fingers behind Castiel’s ear and stroked back and forth.

“I think I like you, Cas.”

“I know I like you.”

“I’m not giving up on Sam.”

“I didn’t think you would.”

“But, if you don’t mind,” Dean started, pulling them closer. “I’d like to make the best of it?”

“The best of it?” Castiel asked, nerves fluttering in his stomach.

“The best of it,” Dean repeated, pulling Castiel in for a kiss.


	9. Chapter 8

Castiel and Dean settled into a new routine shockingly easily.

Dean had finally coaxed Cas to at least come into the bedroom with him whenever Dean felt tuckered out at the end of the day. He said it felt natural and Castiel had to admit that there was a charm to it. He loved being held against Dean while he slipped into the trance state. Sometimes he would linger, head nestled against Dean’s chest, until he couldn’t ignore his job anymore. So he let Dean sleep.

During that time Castiel would leave and collect souls.

Then when it was time for Dean to wake he would come back home. Castiel had to admit sometimes he waited a little longer before waking Dean, the days that he was still out by the time Castiel returned. There was something ethereal about the way the sun trailed across his face, caressing his lips and lashes. Dean always insisted on breakfast. They would eat some type of food together, Dean coaxing Castiel into taking small bites of different things. Now that their relationship had changed Dean wasn’t shy about asking Castiel to use his powers. Every morning he asked Castiel to take him to a different place for breakfast.

_‘ “Dean, this donut shop looks exactly like the last,” Castiel huffed out when they appeared at a little store tucked into the corner of a mall in Pittsburgh._

_“No it’s not, Cas,” Dean challenged as he looked through the displays._

_“A glazed donut is the same everywhere. It’s dough and sugar,” Castiel muttered, not understanding why they had to go to the ends of the earth for a donut when they’d found a perfectly acceptable place locally._

_“That’s blasphemy. You just don’t get it yet. I’ll turn you into a food connoisseur one of these days. I bet my Baby on it.” ‘_

The level of intimacy gave Dean a wonderful weapon to use, to get Castiel to try something new all he had to do was pull him close and kiss him. Dean always looked a little too smug after he’d succeeded in having Castiel try something.

_‘ “Dean,” Castiel whine, eyeing the raspberry pie warily._

_“Caas,” Dean shot back, holding the piece between his fingers. “Just one bite.”_

_Castiel held back a pout. He was a creature to be respected, it wasn’t fair how easily Dean made him feel like a child. “Dean, I don’t need to eat. There is no nutritional value to this.”_

_Dean grinned and took a messy bite of the pie, he swallowed then moved forward, pressing his lips to Castiel’s. Castiel melted into it immediately and trembled when Dean licked along his lower lip. Dean moved back then pressed back in, hand cradling the back of his head, noses bumping against each other gently until Dean adjusted. He dragged his lips between Castiel’s and pressed in, kissing his mouth more open. His other hand came to rest underneath Castiel’s head, thumb pressed against his chin. Dean placed one more open mouthed kiss to Castiel’s soft, sticky lips and pulled back with a grin._

_“So,” Dean started, licking the last trace of sugar and raspberry flavor from his lips, “how was it?”_

_Castiel’s face was bright red and he struggled to breathe, only remembering later that he didn’t need to. “Delicious, Dean. It was delicious.”_

_“Want another bite?” Dean asked with a smug grin._

_Castiel nodded. ‘_

Dean didn’t follow along on the reapings anymore. It wasn’t something he’d done in a while because of their apartment hunting but now he seemed completely disinterested. If nothing else Castiel didn’t get the frosty treatment he was used to whenever his nature came up. Castiel had brought up the topic once, a little worried (very worried) about this shaky new peace and relationship they had together. Dean had simply told him that he’d had his fair share of what it involved and was okay staying at the apartment, especially since he’d managed to have Castiel bring him more entertainment and he wasn’t just sitting around with a thumb up his ass.

They now had an Xbox and a PlayStation, which brought Dean endless amounts of amusement when he had Castiel try to play.

_‘ “You gotta press ‘x’ Cas!”_

_“I_ am _pressing ‘x’, Dean!”_

_Dean laughed and leaned to the side, pressing his lips to the nape of Castiel’s neck. Castiel whined as Dean grazed his teeth against the skin there and his player was KO’d and thrown out of the ring. “Dean look what you made me do.”_

_“Me?” Dean kissed his way up to Castiel’s ear, tongue giving his lobe a quick lick. “You were sucking plenty on your own, dude.”_

_“You weren’t helping,” Castiel complained, feeling humiliated. When Dean played he excelled, Castiel had yet to win a match, even against the game on easy._

_“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Cas,” Dean said sitting up and pulling Castiel to his chest. He cradled the back of his head with his hand and brushed his fingertips against his scalp. “There’s a learning curve to it, and hey, maybe this just isn’t your game.”_

_“You play it very well,” Castiel complained, closing his eyes to the replay of his defeat._

_“I’ve been playing since I could walk, probably before that even.” Dean chuckled and Castiel’s head moved up and down on his chest. “Let’s try something different.” Castiel refused to whine or complain when Dean moved and Castiel was forced to sit up. Dean moved to the box of things Castiel had brought him. “Where are you getting this shit anyway? I highly doubt you’re going up and paying for it,” Dean muttered as he flipped through them._

_Castiel blushed. He actually_ was _going to the stores, too unsure of what to pick up for Dean when he wasn’t with him to help. The last few times Dean had been busy changing things around in the apartment. “I’m going to the stores,” Castiel defended._

_“So how are you paying? ‘Cause you can’t just grab these off the shelves, they’ve got protective shit to keep you from opening them.”_

_Castiel remained quiet and shifted restlessly in his seat._

_“Cas?”_

_“I may… be influencing them a little to believe that I have actually paid.”_

_Dean laughed until he started wheezing, slapping his palm to his thigh where he was crouched at the box. “Obi Wan Kenobied it, huh?”_

_“You know I don’t know what that means.”_

_Dean shook his head, “We really gotta get you educated, Cas.”_

_“I thought you_ were _educating me,” Castiel said with a huff as Dean changed the game in the Xbox._

_“Different type of education. Now scoot over,” Dean said as he flopped down with the controller. “I think this should be more up your alley.” Dean handed him the controller as the Portal opening started. ‘_

Even before his death Castiel had known that Dean had very broad tastes, one he hadn’t expected was his appetite for books. Castiel had practically raided a library to bring Dean something to read. Dean read at a very rapid pace, and to make sure that he was properly entertained Castiel had to bring boxes at a time. He just hoped the librarians wouldn’t give too much of a hard time to the people who’d borrowed them beforehand and now they were missing.

They played other games, ones Castiel was more familiar with. Dean had but a ban on chess however as again and again he lost to Castiel. The same ban was put on monopoly.

Castiel smiled to himself as he thought of how Dean had stomped off after losing his tenth round of War. He’d made it up to him by settling into Dean’s lap and drowning him in kisses. Dean’s hands had wandered around his body, making him gasp. When his hand had slipped underneath Castiel’s shirt he’d frozen and Dean had pulled back, panting and out of breath.

A part of Castiel was grateful that Dean was taking it slow with him, it was all so new and overwhelming. If he’d been braver he might have gone to another reaper for help but he couldn’t think of anyone he could trust. It would mortify him to talk to Tessa, as close and dear a friend as she was. Even then he didn’t know if she’d ever had physical relations with other reapers or humans. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. There were others, famous for their forays into physical pleasure, but they were immediately discounted. If he went to Batlhazar or Gabriel they wouldn’t be able to let it go. He’d learned his lesson the last time Tessa had pulled them in to help. The few times they passed each other in the field they still teased him over it.

So he was somewhat grateful for the slower pace but the other part of him was concerned. He’d seen Dean move further, faster, with other people many times before. Perhaps there was something wrong with him?

Castiel shook the thought out of his mind and concentrated on the good. He thought instead of what new thing Dean would make him try for breakfast when he returned.

“You look, well, glowing.” Castiel turned after the soul he was fetching disappeared to see Tessa holding a box of muffins in her hand. Castiel blushed and frowned. He didn’t bother denying anything. She knew he was spending time with Dean, there wasn’t anything else to say about it. At the very least he also didn’t have an interest in divulging to her the change in their relationship. She wouldn’t approve of it.  “Do you know what you’re doing?”

Castiel looked to the side and crossed his arms. “We’re… making it up as we go.”

Tessa smiled and shrugged. “I talked to Death.” Castiel froze. “Relax, Cas. They asked where you were, since you haven’t been visiting with me, but we both know they already knew.”

Castiel shifted from side to side, feeling increasingly awkward. “So… they approve?”

“Death has no opinions.”

“Really?”

“You know how they are,” Tessa said shrugging. She gave him a small smile. “Death isn’t something you have to worry about in this situation. The least of your worries.”

Castiel looked away. “Naomi.”

“Well, not what I was going for but yes, her too.” She sighed and wrapped Castiel in a tight, one armed hug. “Take care of yourself, Cas.”

Tessa prepared to leave but Castiel reached out, “Wait.”

“Yes?”

Castiel blushed and coughed. “Where, uh, where did you go to pick up those muffins?”

Tessa lifted an eyebrow, surprised. “Excuse me?”

“I don’t think I need to repeat myself,” Castiel said only a little petulant.

“I could just give you one?”

Castiel turned to the side and mumbled, “I’d need at least two.”

“Two?”

“Dean… Dean likes for me to try the food he eats.”

Tessa was silent before she started laughing. She grinned and opened the box. Out of her back pocket she pulled tissues and stacked the muffins on top of them. “I gotta say, Dean’s doing you a lot of good.”

Castiel accepted the food gratefully, cradling them carefully. “I thought you didn’t approve.”

Tessa smiled and moved forward. She lifted Castiel’s chin so that they could share eye contact. “Castiel, I approve of anything that makes you happy and Dean’s a great person. You know I’m just worried.”

“Worried,” Castiel repeated.

Tessa gently nudged Castiel’s chin with her knuckle, “Stop it. You were glowing when I saw you. Stop worrying about it. Go give your boy his treat.”

Castiel watched Tessa fade away to go deliver her pick up and Castiel left for the apartment.

…

Dean wasn’t there.

Castiel looked around, panicked. Had he faded? Had another reaper noticed him?

Dean was always there.

Something touched his shoulder and Castiel jumped, nearly dropping the muffins to the floor. He whirled around to see Dean grinning at him.

“DEAN!”

Dean stared at him, confused at the truly terrified expression on Castiel’s face. “Man, sorry! I didn’t mean to- actually that’s a lie, yes I totally meant to spook you. That was great, Cas!” Dean laughed trying to diffuse the situation. Dean moved forward and kissed him.

Castiel pulled back, going from relieved to angry.

“Come on, relax,” Dean said moving forward and wrapping his arms around Castiel’s waist.

“What did you just do!?” Castiel said as he moved back from Dean.

“Teleported I guess. Bad ass, huh?”

Castiel frowned and his brow scrunched up, “Where did you-? Dean-when did you learn to-“

Dean shrugged and smiled down at him, a proud smile on his face. “I’ve been practicing. Getting hella better too. I’ve made it to just about every place in the city.”

“Dean! What if something had happened?” Castiel nearly yelled, voice shaky and scared. The feeling shrunk a little as he watched Dean’s expression drop.

“Geeze, Cas. This was supposed to be a fun surprise. My bad.”

Castiel tried to force himself to relax. He tried to center himself and focus on the good. Nothing had happened. Dean was safe and it wasn’t as if he was a prisoner. Perhaps earlier in their strenuous relationship he would have demanded Dean stay glued to his side but it had been quite some time since then. Besides, as far as anyone else knew Dean had passed on. Naomi perhaps had counted it as a loss but no one but Tessa knew that Castiel even had been focused on Dean. There was no reason for them to go looking for Dean or even care for that matter if they saw a spirit wandering around.

Castiel took in a deep breath and swallowed down the fear. Dean was very talented. Very. He nodded and walked forward. He leaned his forehead into Dean’s collarbone and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. Dean brought a hand up to his shoulder blade.

“It…is… very impressive Dean. I’ve never seen a soul get a handle on this faster than you. You’re just as phenomenal now as you were then. I’m sorry for… panicking. It was a very good surprise, Dean.”

Dean’s soul lightened and the atmosphere in the room eased up. “So, what’d you get me?”

Castiel scooted back and held up the slightly dented muffins. “I saw Tessa, she let me have these.”

“Not really a full breakfast, Cas,” Dean joked then back tracked when he saw the frown on Castiel’s face. “But if Tessa’s picking it up, it must be good.” Dean took the muffin out of his hand and took a large bite. He groaned, leaning back a little and quickly devoured his, he was halfway through the second one before he looked at Castiel. His lips were stained in chocolate and he swallowed. He smiled wryly. “Did you, uh, want a bite?”

Castiel chuckled and leaned forward. There was barely a thumb sized bite left and he simply ate it from Dean’s hand. He hadn’t done it on purpose but he enjoyed the way that Dean’s breath stuttered as he gently licked up the last crumb from Dean’s thumb. “These _are_ good. I’ll have to ask Tessa where she got them.”

Dean nodded, face a little flushed. “So uh, this isn’t exactly filling, how about we go get something?”

Castiel nodded, “Where would you like to eat?”

“Actually, I was thinking I could cook.”

“Cook?” Castiel glanced at the kitchen.

Dean walked forward and made a show of turning the burners on and on, grabbing the pots and pans, and in general being able to touch everything in the kitchen. “Figured we’ve got a damn good kitchen we should use it more often. Hell it even came with the pots and pans. Which, whoever made this show room really went and spent some cash on it,” Dean muttered as he flipped the stainless steel pan I his hand. He turned to look at the window, “Though, maybe they had to. Selling a place with a wall as the view is pretty hard.” Dean shrugged and set the pan down. He leaned with his hip against the stove, “I mean it’s not like we need to save money or anything since you don’t pay when we go out to eat-“

“Dean.”

“-That wasn’t meant to mean anything! I’m just saying. Either way, figured we could have some more meals here, ya know?”

Castiel had already decided the second Dean had told him he wanted to cook that they would go get groceries but it was endearing to watch him shuffle around the kitchen, looking longingly at the items.

He’d nearly forgotten just how much Dean loved to cook.

“That can be arranged, Dean,” Castiel said and walked forward, holding his hand out.

Dean grinned, a bounce in his step as he moved towards Castiel. “Then let’s get going, Cas. I’ve been around town and I’ve already got some ideas. We are so not shopping at Walmart though. There’s some good local places around.”

…

Castiel stood in the kitchen looking lost and confused. Dean had handed him a potato peeler and he was carefully going across each potato. “Dean, I still don’t understand.”

“Well you picked the potatoes, so you get to peel them.”

Castiel rolled his eyes as he gently moved onto the next potato, holding them like they would break if he pressed too hard. “I don’t understand why you had me pick anything to begin with.”

Dean laughed, “Well, if you pick something, you’re involved, and it might coax you into eating an entire meal.”

“I highly doubt that Dean. Why would I eat a full meal? I gain nothing from it and I don’t even have a digestive system,” Castiel gathered his potatoes and started cutting them into cubes. One of the potatoes shot out from underneath his grip and he glared as Dean started laughing. Castiel’s cheeks were pink as he lifted the potato from the floor. “This is a bad idea.”

Dean chuckled. “Because,” Dean said and he put down the spatula. He moved behind Castiel and wrapped his arms around him. He put his chin to Castiel’s shoulder and kissed the back of his ear, “I made it. And I made it for you. Besides, I _know_ you’ve enjoyed some of the things I’ve fed you, and it had nothing to do with me.”

Castiel blushed and his hands fumbled with the potatoes he’d been chopping up. “Of course, Dean.”

“Atta boy,” Dean said, slapping Cas gently on his ass.

He moved back to the stove and pushed around the home-made meatballs he’d rolled up with Cas before. Castiel had wondered why they hadn’t shoved them in the stove, it’s what they did on TV, and Dean had just winked at him. “Grab me the half and half,” Dean mumbled as he filled up a pot and started dropping the cubed potatoes into it.

Castiel gladly handed off his pile of potatoes and rummaged around in the fridge. He was insanely happy that humans labeled their things so plainly. He’d been next to useless when they’d gone shopping but luckily Dean hadn’t teased him too much.

“What are you making?” Castiel asked, handing over the carton.

Dean winked at him tossed salt into the potato pot. “That’s a surprise. Trust me Cas, you’ll like it.”

Castiel nodded and settled himself into one of the stools that surrounded the kitchen island. He watched, fascinated as Dean moved around the kitchen, humming to himself. Castiel thought of Dean puttering around in his own kitchen when he was alive. The only thing missing was the radio that had sat on his counter. Even without it, Castiel watched Dean sing and sway his hips a little.

“You look a little tense,” Dean commented, grabbing a grape from a bowl a bowl. He popped it into his mouth and frowned. “Why do we have these?”

Castiel smiled, “Fruits and vegetables are important to the human diet.”

Dean chuckled and moved forward. He nudged Castiel’s thighs apart and slid between them. He placed his hands on his knees and slid them up slowly. “Pretty sure that’s kind of a moot point. I’m dead right? No need to be nutritious.”

“I- I suppose that’s true,” Castiel admitted, eyes glued to the press of Dean’s palms to him.

“You need to relax more,” Dean said finally. He moved his hands to Castiel’s coat and nudged it off.

“Dean?”

“Come on, or can you not take this off? Like it’s your skin or some shit.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Castiel said, slapping Dean’s hand away. He blushed when Dean scooted back, eyeing him while he took of his top layer coat. He folded it and laid it on the island. “Happy?”

Dean smirked at him and tugged at Castiel’s other jacket.

“You just want to see me naked,” Castiel bit out as he unbuttoned it, pausing when he realized what had come out of his mouth. He looked up, eyes wide and fingers frozen, the button half out of its hole. He flushed scarlet. “I didn’t- I mean!”

Dean stared at him silently for a moment before he broke out laughing. “Oh my God, Cas!” Dean tilted his head back and let out a loud punch of a laugh before his voice dropped out completely. His chest heaved and he wiped at the corners of his eyes. “You’re too much. God,” Dean’s laughter trickled down into chuckles. His eyes were bright with amusement when he finally looked at Castiel again. “You’re perfect.”

“You’re making fun of me,” Castiel protested, trying to will the red away from his face. He swore he’d never had this many issues until Dean had come into his life.

“I would never,” Dean said with a smile. He walked forward and placed a chaste kiss to the corner of Castiel’s eye. “Now sit there and look pretty, dinner’s almost ready.”

They set up the meal on the island counter, deciding to make a real dinner out of it instead of the take out on the couch, the nights that they are in. Dean set out plates and split the potatoes evenly before coating them in the meatball cream sauce.  “What do you think?”

Castiel shifted, feeling shy with all of Dean’s focus on him. “Would you stop staring?” Castiel mumbled, his grip tight on the fork Dean had set out for him.

“My bad, my bad. I won’t look,” Dean said with a grin, turning to his own food.

“You think you’re clever,” Castiel said as he noticed Dean look up at him from under his lashes. Still, he cut one of the meatballs in half and speared it with a potato. “Oh lord.” Castiel closed his eyes and groaned, letting the food melt in his mouth. He opened his eyes when he heard soft laughter.

“Glad you like it, Cas,” Dean said as he speared himself his own mouthful of food.

They ate, TV playing softly in the background and Castiel couldn’t look at Dean. He’d smirked the entire meal and Castiel had to admit it was delicious and perhaps eating was something he could start doing. As long as Dean was cooking.

Like most nights, they ended up on the couch, watching something on TV. This time it was some athletic event that Castiel couldn’t quite grasp the purpose of. Ninja Warrior.

“Any new reapings you gotta head out to?” Dean asked as he idly rubbed his thumb up and down Castiel’s side.

“Not at the moment,” Castiel admitted, breathing in the way Dean smelled. It was something that had only started recently. Spirits generally didn’t have scents. Sometimes, things would linger, especially if it had strong emotion. A perfume or cologne that a person had worn their entire lives would sometimes follow into the after. Or the smell of where they had worked, a garage and oil, a bakery and sweet sugar, or the sharp smell of paint from a studio. If the emotional bond to the surrounding area was strong some spirits pulled with them the smell of the salty sea, green pines, or the scent of wild flowers.

Dean hadn’t had anything to him when he’d first died and it was unusual for him to develop something now. Castiel didn’t want to think about it. It was another sign of just how different of a spirit Dean was, and especially of his own influence.

Dean smelled like their apartment.

Dean hummed and shifted a little, settling Castiel’s head more solidly on his chest. There was a tension in him that spelled trouble. It had to. “I want to see my family.” Castiel moved and started to protest. “I’ll follow the rules. I promise.”

Castiel bit his lip but the moment Dean moved closer and cupped his cheek. He knew it was over. He’d long moved past the point of being able to deny Dean. Especially if he was going to behave. Dean seemed emotionally stable, more so than he had been at the start. He seemed settled in at least a part of his afterlife and should be able to handle seeing those he’d left behind.

Besides, Castiel argued to himself, he would be there to keep things from getting out of hand. He looked up and steeled himself to at least attempt to say no, to fight, to tell him it was a bad idea but the moment their eyes met he caved.

He would always cave. “Let’s go, Dean.”

…

Castiel transported them to the only place that he really knew to go, Dean’s apartment.

It was empty.

There were strange new decorations, a couch that seemed very out of place in the center of the room, and the rest of the place was spotless. There was a clear new coating of paint on all of the walls and the kitchen counter tops had changed as had the window blinds.

Dean shifted and clung to Castiel arm. He swallowed loudly, looking around “You know, I don’t know what’s trippier. Seeing this place half empty with Sam drinking himself to death or this shit.”

Castiel followed Dean around as he walked through each room. The carpet in his bedroom had been ripped up, replaced with a dark, stained wood. The closet doors had been taken off and dust was collecting in the back of it. In the bathroom the mirror had been taken down and the showerhead was missing.

“This is so fucking weird,” Dean said as he lifted his hand to run it up and down where the mirror used to be. He walked out of the bathroom and took another look around the living room. “There’s supposed to be a cabinet here, and a book shelf. Fuck, where the hell are all the records? Sam better have kept them.” Dean continued to talk about where things were when he lived there and the memories he had with them. Castiel could see him start to tense. His hands clenched and unclenched as he went into long explanations of the things he used to own. Castiel stopped him with a hand on his shoulder before he could work himself up too much. Dean had developed an amazing level of control but even this could be overwhelming.

“Dean?”

Dean coughed and gave a tiny smile. “But I guess you knew all this already.”

Castiel blushed and moved around the apartment. He ran his hand across the new countertops in the kitchen. “I actually… don’t. I was… only when it seemed necessary did I wander around your apartment. I spent most of my time with you on the,” Castiel rolled his lower lip underneath his teeth, “the couch. I never followed you around- well, sometimes I would linger a little longer… perhaps, but-“

Dean, for the first time since they’d entered the apartment looked something other than shocked and depressed. He was amused. Dean moved closer and Castiel tensed. They were in Dean’s apartment. It was one thing to have been intimate in other places but this… this was so much. This was everything he’d craved and fantasize about. The only saving grace was that it didn’t look much like Dean’s place anymore. Castiel tried to hide his nerves. Of course, Dean noticed and moved away, but Castiel grabbed his wrist and pulled him in close. It may have been selfish, it was almost like playing out a fantasy, but perhaps Dean needed the closeness as much too, at least it’s what he told himself as he nuzzled into Dean’s chest.

“You seemed very private. I didn’t want to intrude,” Castiel admitted. “I ventured around a little bit, probably more than was proper, but if I am to be honest with how much I explored, I never expected to meet you.”

“You’re an adorable dork.”

Castiel blushed when he felt lips touch the top of his head. “Dean.”

“Tell me more.”

Castiel nodded and slipped his hand down Dean’s arm until his fingertips touched Dean’s palm. He waited, worried he’d gone too far until Dean shifted his hand and wrapped their fingers together. “I can do that,” Castiel whispered.

They walked around and Castiel told him about the times he’d seen him with other people there. It was easier to start there than when it had just been Dean. It was selfish, because there was the chance that Dean would react negatively to the mention of his friends, but it was easier than speaking of the times he’d just stayed to be in Dean’s presence. Admitted, they were intimate now, but it still felt a little creepy for Castiel to divulge that information. It was easier to start with a crowd. Something _normal_ and less _‘stalkerish’._ He told Dean about the nights he’d had Sam and Benny over, drinking on the couch and yelling about some type of game.

“Probably football. It would’ve been hockey if it was just me and Benny,” Dean said with a laugh.

“Why not with Sam?”

“I may or may not have said some bullshit about hockey back in the day, had never even seen a game. But it’s not like Kansas was ever big into the sport,” Dean defended. He wrapped his arm around Castiel’s waist, “Turns out it’s pretty damn good. A lot of skill involved. But Sam would’ve never let me live it down.” He tilted his head down and brushed his lips against Castiel’s temple. “Anyway, not important. What else.”

Castiel nodded and turned him to the bare kitchen. “It wasn’t very often, but sometimes I would see you in the kitchen, generally cursing at your coffee machine.”

Dean laughed, “That thing was ancient and broke.”

“You never bought a new one,” Castiel said softly as Dean moved them out of the kitchen and into the bedroom again and Castiel looked nervous. It was one thing to tour it while Dean reeled from the changes, another to be telling tales in it.

“Never been in here?”

Castiel blushed and coughed, “Perhaps once, or twice. Just to check in. Never when- well only once, I promise. I know human beings consider bedrooms sacred. I wasn’t- I wasn’t being creepy, I promise.”

Dean laughed, “I guess. And maybe when we first met I would’ve been pissed but now thinking about it…” Dean winked, “Kinda would’ve been fun if you had taken a few liberties with that.” Dean wiggled his eyebrows and Castiel couldn’t help but snort out a laugh. He knew what Dean was implying and had to turn his head away quickly.

He hadn’t thought about the incident on Dean’s couch in a long time.

“I wish I could’ve seen the decorations at least,” Castiel said in his hurry to think of something else to say. Dean raised an eyebrow at him. “You had a… very eclectic taste,” Castiel admitted.

They stood in silence and Castiel felt his being vibrate with tension. Dean leaned down and Castiel could feel his smile against his ear. “Dean?”

“You seriously never spooked your way in?”

“It was private, and as I said the exceptions were to make sure you were alright, but I never made a habit of it,” Castiel said quietly, trying to ignore the way that Dean’s lips brushed against the lobe of his ear.

Dean hummed, “Like I said, shame.” His teeth grazed where his lips had touched.

Castiel shifted from side to side. Dean wasn’t even being subtle at this point. “I was always sure to leave when, you were…”

Dean looked around the room. “When?”

Castiel coughed. “Well, when you and Lisa… were intimate and you would…” Castiel knew his face was bright red. “I wasn’t aware of it all the time! The moment I realized what was going on I made sure to leave!” Castiel insisted.

Dean laughed and pulled Castiel in closer. “You’ve been a pretty eloquent speaker before, Cas. What’s with the stuttering?”

“You make me flustered.”

Dean smirked and kissed the side of Castiel’s face at the frank and honest admission. He kissed down along the jawline and nipped at his lips until Castiel relaxed. Dean pulled back with one final nip at Castiel’s lower lip. “Look at me, making death itself flustered.”

Castiel was breathing heavy, “I’m not Death, I just work for them.”

“Potato potahto.”

Castiel smiled and let Dean kiss him again. Dean pushed him back towards the wall and held him tightly, Dean’s elbows tucked against Castiel’s sides as his hands wandered up. Dean’s palm cupped the back of Castiel’s neck and the other shifted and kept a tight grip on Castiel’s waist. Castiel nearly melted through the wall he was pressed against; his knees were trembling so strongly.

“Dean,” Castiel groaned. Castiel’s legs finally buckled a little as Dean sucked a spot onto his neck. Castiel wasn’t sure if he could even keep Dean’s marks but he hoped if he wanted to he could. Other reapers had been able to do it before. He should be able to.

The thought brought him out of his haze. He was a reaper, and they were here for a reason. Finally he had to push Dean away.

As wonderful as things were, he’d promised Dean. He’d promised to take him to his family. “Dean, outside of this apartment, I don’t know where we could go next.”

Dean pulled back, panting a little and nodded. “Right, we can’t be having too much fun. Shit. You’re amazing, you know that?” Castiel smiled a little but Dean composed himself. “All right, we could try where Sam lived? Dunno if he’s still there. Hell if Sam had died I sure as hell wouldn’t stick around. If didn’t die from alcohol poisoning first.”

“We could do that. Now, relax,” Castiel said as he brushed his hand up the side of Dean’s face, across his cheek and then placed two fingers to his forehead. “Think about Sam’s place.”

…

In seconds they found themselves at Sam’s.

He wasn’t alone.

Sam looked good. Very good.

Seeing him was different than it had been a few months ago.

Sam was smiling, laughing as he let his head drop to his forearm. His fingers were curled around a woman’s fingers, sitting across the table from him.

“I- I don’t know who that is,” Dean said, voice hoarse. “It sure as shit isn’t Jess.”

Sam took in a deep breath, squeezed the woman’s hand and finally leaned back in his chair. Sam took a sip of the juice he had in his hand.

“I honestly don’t even know why I’m laughing.”

The woman smiled and stroked his hand, “I think you’re nervous.”

“Nervous about what?” Sam shot back, rolling the glass between his palms.

“Nervous about meeting Jessica’s family.”

“Sarah, I’ve met them before.”

“You’ve met _some_ of them before,” Sarah countered, raising her beer to her mouth and taking a quick swig. “This is her _parents._ ”

Dean squeezed Castiel’s hand tightly. “They’re still together,” Dean breathed out, stuttering as he huffed out a laugh. “That’s… that’s good.”

“Good?” Castiel asked as they watched Sarah pinch Sam gently on the underside of his forearm.

“Yeah.”

Dean turned them away from the conversation and Castiel let him.

They looked around for a moment and while things seemed better Dean still noticed the boxes labeled ‘Dean’ around the place. Some of them had been opened and others were still packed up tight with duct tape. There were pictures of him strewn around the apartment, a few large piles on the living room table. He noticed that his favorite leather jacket was draped over the arm of the couch and wondered if Sam ever wore it. The thought stung a little in a way he hadn’t expected. Sam had to look ridiculous in it with his mammoth frame. Dean tried to touch the jacket but his hand slipped through it and into the couch.

** **

“I feel creepy. Just watching him, fuck,” Dean shuddered a little. “At least he’s not alone and drunk.” Yeah, there were bottles here and there, and Dean wasn’t happy with the rather large liquor collection Sam had collected on top of his fridge, but he couldn’t exactly throw stones.

They turned back to Sarah holding Sam’s phone while he weakly struggled for it. Jess answered and Sarah immediately began to tease Sam’s nervousness, who blushed when he heard Jess quietly laughing.

 “Let’s go home, Cas.”

Castiel frowned, looking around the space. He had thought this would make Dean happy. Instead he seemed a little withdrawn, subdued.

A pit twirled in his stomach… as sad as this was for Dean, he couldn’t help but feel a soft glow at Dean calling their place a home. Reapers didn’t have homes, they simply existed.

But Castiel had one.

He had one with Dean.

…

Things were actually going pretty well. Dean hadn’t expected things to end up like this, but fuck, things were actually pretty damn awesome.

Really fucking awesome.

Hell, he’d even managed to get Cas to invite Tessa to their apartment and honestly? It was kind of awesome. He loved- liked- Cas but having other people around was pretty awesome too. Tessa had developed very quickly into a damn good friend. It was a little surreal but if he didn’t think about it too much it was almost like he’d just met her at a bar or hell even on the job. They never talked about some of the heavier shit going on, though sometimes she’d kinda stare at him and Cas in a way he didn’t like, but she was good to talk to. More than that she got super excited and was generally encouraging of all the new things Dean was introducing Cas to.

They got along well.

Dean felt awful.

He might’ve been an overgrown boy of a moron but he figured he could at least notice when shit was going on with those he cared about. Tessa was crawling high along that list but she wasn’t the person he was worried about.

She was one of the few people he could talk to about Cas.

“So,” Dean said as he wiped his mouth off. Castiel was out on a job but he and Tessa had a pizza movie night. Since the first time he’d been left by Cas to be babysat by her food and movies had kinda become their thing. It had taken a few weeks for him to get the courage to bring it up. “Cas.”

“Yeah?” Tessa responded, setting the crust down onto the grease stained pizza box. (Neither of them had felt like bringing dishes out, instead just using the box top.)

“I mean I think things are awesome, but, does Cas actually want me to stick around?” He ripped the napkin in his hand into tiny shreds. He’d noticed a tension in Cas, something he’d never paid attention to before but hey, he hated the guy at first. Yeah Cas smiled at him, and held his hand and kissed him and was generally awesome.

Still he couldn’t help but have doubts.

Dean never dreamed while he was ‘sleeping’ but when he was alone, he’d had a little bit too much time to think. Too much time to become attached, too much time to think about death, too much time to think about the reaper.

Too much time to think he was even welcome at this point.

It sucked having to realize Cas was actually truly and fully tender hearted. Something he’d stubbornly refused to think about with the guy’s job description. Bored out of his mind he’d insisted on following Cas to a reaping.

It had reminded Dean too much of his own death, and the amount of _effort_ Cas had put into the spirit’s afterlife had left him insecure. Add that to the weird tension in Cas’ shoulders and it tugged his stomach into knots. It wouldn’t have been the first relationship, if it could even be called that, where the feelings weren’t quite mutual and he was being kept around for all the wrong reasons.

Tessa smiled at him and nodded, though there was something tired in it. Tired and cold. “Yes… he’d like it.” She stared in front of her for a moment, “But I don’t know if that’s the best thing.”

He didn’t think she knew about their change in relationship, they kept it pretty PG when Tessa was around, but something about the way she said it made him worry. Dean felt something cold and thick build in his gut, stretching out into his chest. He’d wanted this conversation, it was the whole reason he’d bribed Tessa with a new pizza place.

It wasn’t the answer he wanted.

With everything going so well … “What?”

Tessa stared at the TV, keeping her eyes on it as she spoke, “Souls… spirits whatever you want to call them, have energy. I can feel it vibrate in you that you still don’t believe you’re truly dead, Dean. For one.” She glanced at him but focused back on the TV. A small blessing. He couldn’t handle the look she gave him. “But _you are_ a soul, Dean. You _are_ dead. And the more time you spend behind the ‘veil’, the more complicated things become. Even without other complications, _souls_ and reapers aren’t exactly the most common of pairings.”

“But it can be done, right?” Dean asked, feeling like he was being tugged down into quicksand.

“It _has_ been done before,” Tessa admitted with a soft scowl.

“So we’re good then, right? I can stay with Cas?”

Dean needed something to keep him from drowning.

Tessa opened her mouth but closed it. Castiel flickered into the apartment. Dean smiled when he saw him. There was a half-eaten donut in his hand a little bit of powder across his lips. Dean stood and walked over to him. He didn’t try and hide his affection, Tessa knew, so why the hell bullshit around? Dean grinned, kissing him, tongue quickly sampling the sugary coating on Castiel’s mouth. Castiel opened up to him and Dean dove in for another kiss, getting some of the powder onto his own face.

Castiel’s eyes were glowing, on fire, but the rest of him… it looked tired. From the dip of his shoulders to the way he stood. Even the pleased surprise and shock, as he looked from Tessa to Dean, couldn’t hide it.

Castiel looked a little ragged.

“Rough day?”

Castiel shrugged and leaned in. Dean pulled him in closer and relished in the feeling. He tucked his hands underneath Castiel’s overcoat and rubbed his fingers up and down his back. Even with Tessa staring at his back the freezing nausea inside of him started to melt until he felt it in his knees.

He _needed_ this.

…

They ended up getting Tessa to stay for their game night, even if it was a diversion tactic, and it was a habit that stuck though he still enjoyed his nights alone with Cas. (Even if Tessa royally sucked at games, especially since Dean changed the console on them every time she got comfortable.)

When he wasn’t doing something else in the apartment, hanging out with Tessa (they never brought up their one serious conversation about Cas again), or walking around the city, he was visiting Sam. It was a little surreal, watching him go on with his life (which he was happy for, when the boxes with his shit in them started slowly disappearing he felt like he could breathe again). He’d seen Jess spend several nights there, curled up on the couch underneath one of Mary’s blankets that had been at Dean’s place when it got colder. Dean had even seen him looking at rings. The dork was probably planning some dramatic Christmas or New Year’s proposal. He’d always been a nerd like that.

Seeing his family content and moving on made him happy but a small part of him felt pretty damn guilty for not telling Cas what he was doing. While Cas had finally given in to letting Dean wander a few blocks from the apartment around the city, he was still a paranoid little fucker if he went further than that. He could sorta see the reasoning behind it, shit he still sometimes zoned out for hours thinking of the girl he’d hurt, but he was stronger, _better_ now. He could control it.

Dean couldn’t tell him, especially when Castiel would come back sometimes with updates on Sam for him, since he hadn’t shown any interest himself in visiting again. It was endearing as hell, the way Cas appeared, looking nervous for checking up on Sam like he was intruding in their lives, and the soft glow that smoothed his features when Dean thanked him and kissed him.

Fuck, he was falling for the guy.

If he’d been able to talk to Sam he probably would’ve told Dean that he was in love. Sam was a big believer in fairy tales.

Begrudgingly he’d had to admit that maybe Sam’s fairy tale view had a point when he watched Castiel try poprocks for the first time and it lit Dean up inside like fireworks.

Hell, he was damn sure of it when they were curled up on the couch, watching the news. Castiel commented on the absurdity of some of the remarks a news anchor was making. Stupid little corrections.

“Dean, there is no physical way for that to happen.”

“Dean, physics doesn’t allow for that.”

“Dean, why is he concerned about that woman’s dress? It doesn’t even suit him.”

 And he knew.

He just fucking knew he loved the guy.

Instead of talking about what was going on between them like a functioning adult he deflected. He had his head resting on top of Castiel’s small hairs tickling against his cheek when the music in the report changed. There was a mass flood and the death toll was rising. Rescuer workers were doing their best but the situation looked grim. People were dying left and right and Dean sprung on that. He couldn’t have just talked about the flutter in his chest that made him giddy, nah, he had to run 180 in the opposite direction like hellfire was after him. “For the afterlife I thought I’d see a lot more people I knew… You know, dead people.”

Castiel scooted further down and dropped his head into Dean’s lap. Dean adjusted his arms so that it lay across Cas’ midsection. He stroked his thumb for a moment along Castiel’s stomach until he rolled over on the couch so he was facing Dean. His eyes closed as Dean lifted his other hand up and brushed his fingers through his hair.

“Most souls do… actually pass on.”

“Most?”

“Some go your route.”

“And some?”

“Some are taken…, “Castiel said, his face looking haunted.

Dean didn’t ask after that, even if it made him curious. They’re having a good night and that sounded like more than he could handle. He coughed and back tracked. “So, Heaven, huh? That where we go?”

Castiel stilled in his lap, his fingers wrapping into Dean’s shirt. “I wouldn’t know. I’m not in charge of that. I don’t know where souls go, I simply collect them.”

Dean bit his lip and stroked his thumb underneath the dark circles under Castiel’s eyes. He smiled when Cas closed them and leaned into the touch.

“Could you ask around?”

Castiel opened his eyes, something passing in them as quickly as it had come. Cas nodded and nuzzled his nose into Dean’s soft belly. “Of course, Dean.”

...

Dean sighed as he started to prep the lasagna he was going to make. They’d gone out to a few places and Cas had seemed to take a liking to it. Never to be outdone by a damn restaurant Dean had taken it as a personal challenge to one up it. He just wished he had his old recipe book to look at. He kinda wished he’d seen Sam’s face when he’d dug it up out of Dean’s stuff. He’d always claimed it was the bachelor life that made him try shit out, and even then he’d kept it low key, but cooking was something he enjoyed. From all the recipes in there scrapbooked or created by his mom, he probably got it from her.

Screwing up the lasagna wasn’t what was stressing him the fuck out though.

He’d been thinking very hard on souls and the after-life and while Cas still hadn’t gotten back to him on the whole ‘Heaven’ business it was starting to mean a helluva lot more to him. Especially since Sam and the rest of the people left that he cared about were doing just fine. He’d expected to feel a little bit of sadness or something bitter about being left behind but instead he was just happy. If they didn’t need him there was really no reason to stick around, well, Cas was a reason to stick around, but now shit actually mattered. He couldn’t talk to Cas about it, he’d tried once or twice but he could swear it made the guy sad and he wasn’t about to put him through that. Cas had done enough for him.

Once again Tessa was the only one he could talk to. He wasn’t looking forward to the conversation, last time hadn’t exactly gone so well. Yeah, it’d been nearly a month and some change since then but he needed answers. It was making him anxious and it was starting to rub off on Cas. Maybe that’s why no matter how hard he thought about the guy he wasn’t there. He’d promised to be there for dinner but he’d been hard to get a hold of.

 “Dean,” Tessa said as he materialized. She sniffed at the air, “smells good.”

“I haven’t even really started cooking yet,” Dean said with a wry grin.

“Still,” Tessa said as she walked into the kitchen. “Anything I can help with? Cas said you were looking for me?”

Dean swallowed the fear in his stomach and chopped through the onions, the clack of the knife against the board relaxing him a little. “Speaking of, I can’t get a hold of Cas.”

The way that Tessa froze told him everything he needed to know, whatever was about to come out of her mouth would be a damn lie. He’d spent long enough perfecting the art he knew when someone was about to bullshit him. “He’s busy with a reaping.”

Dean laughed and left the onions alone. He turned around. Time to rip off the Band-Aid. “Castiel’s been looking pretty bad lately.”

Tessa looked away and Dean moved up to her. He grabbed her by the shoulders, fingers gentle even if his grip was steady. “Please, Tessa. Don’t lie to me. We’re friends, right?”

He saw the struggle behind her eyes before she caved. “He… he is… a little worse for wear. If we’re going to be honest about it.”

“How come? Are the reaping things going badly?” Dean asked, praying that was the answer. He couldn’t exactly _do_ anything about it except help him out when Cas got home but at least it was something out of his control. Not his fault.

He was praying whatever was going on with Cas wasn’t his fault.

Tessa gave him a smile he couldn’t quite decipher, but a part of it seemed like pity. “What’s going on?” Dean turned briefly to toss the onions into the frying pan. He liked ‘em crispy.

“Dean,” Tessa leaned agains the kitchen island. She actually looked fucking sad. Shit. “I know you care for him, but I have to be honest. While your soul is impressive and the strength of it is amazing… Dean, do you know how much energy it takes for a soul to exist? Especially the way you do?”

“Not really. No one’s cared to share it with me.” _Not that I’ve asked._ He’d kept kind of a don’t ask don’t tell bullshit policy on it.

“Since we’re being honest, and I like you Dean, I do. Castiel is… recharging. He’s using a lot of his being to sustain you.”

“He never said,” Dean whispered, fingers trembling minutely around the spatula he was holding. It was brightly colored with the flat end shaped like a car. He didn’t know where Cas had found it but it had quickly become his favorite.  It was probably to teach younger kids to cook but it was a little too damn endearing for him not to use it, even if it sucked for a lot of cooking.

He’d adapted.

Tessa laughed, “He wouldn’t. He loves you too much to.”

Dean flinched and tried to hide it.

He hadn’t been expecting the ‘L’ word.

Tessa sighed and moved to sit in one of the chairs they’d put around the kitchen island.  She leaned against the back of her chair and gave him steady eyes. “I don’t think you know how unusual it is that you’re so strong, and that you haven’t degraded at all. Not one tiny bit. Instead you’ve only gotten stronger. You’re nearly living and you shouldn’t be. Even if you had been left alone this,” she waved her hand around the kitchen and at what Dean was doing, “should not be possible. Not so easily and regularly.”

Dean sighed and bit back a curse. He tucked the swears underneath his tongue and kept his mouth shut.

He knew things had been going too good.

He knew something had to be fucking wrong.

He wanted to be pissed at Cas, pissed at him that he hadn’t let it slip that _HEY_ Dean was draining him to... death? Could death even die? Could _reapers_ die? Fear ripped through the anger and built it up into a damn storm. He tamped it down with guilt.

It wasn’t like he’d ever been the easiest fucker to deal with. He vaguely remembered when he’d first passed away and Castiel’s attempts to talk to him. He’d flat out ignored them.

Things were different now. Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed up and down. “What can I do to help? I mean there isn’t much I can do, being all ghost and all that.”

Tessa gave him a small, lopsided smile. It was clear she was indulging him. “Well…”

…

Dean felt selfish, real damn selfish. Apparently being able to eat and interact with objects was causing a shit ton of pain for Cas. Well, Tessa had called it just draining but with the way Castiel looked whenever he came back home?

No. It wasn’t just tired. It had to be more than that.

Just because he _wanted_ the taste of a grilled cheese sandwich didn’t mean it was worth Castiel draining himself dry. Hell he didn’t even really need all the damn luxuries being around Cas gave him. Playing video games, reading books, just moving the curtains in the apartment to look at the stupid brick wall that had sold him on the apartment. He didn’t friggin’ need to be entertained 24/7. He just _wanted_ it.

Dean ended up spending most of his time nearly meditating, Sam would’ve thought it was hilarious, trying not to cause strain on his… his… one of the most important things he’d ever had in his life.

Of course Castiel was too smart not to notice the change.

“Dean, I brought you your favorite burger,” Castiel said, holding the bag out. “It’s from a different place but I asked around and they tell me they make the best bacon burger in all of Europe.”

“You know, I’m actually ok Cas,” Dean said with a smile, giving him a kiss. Did he want to eat the hell out of it? Yeah. Did he want to make Cas weaker because he wanted it? No.

Castiel moved back and dropped into a chair. He held the paper bag between his two hands, fingers clasped around the folder over top. “Dean.”

“Cas,” Dean responded, trying to ignore the gnawing guilt in his gut. Cas had gone _out of his way_ to get this for him. And he couldn’t eat it; not in good conscience anyway. A burger didn’t seem worth what he had with Cas.

“Did I do something wrong?” Cas looked like a kicked puppy.

And fuck, that wasn’t what he was going for.

Dean looked at him, shocked. “What? No? Why the hell would you think that?”

“You haven’t been eating.”

Dean tried to laugh but he knew it came out weak. He knew it was a deflection but it was the best he could do. “I thought it was weird that I ate?”

“It’s a part of who you are,” Castiel said, setting the bag onto the small table next to him. He frowned when it dipped against the lamp base and fiddled with it until it stood upright. He looked up at Dean and reached his arms out. Dean moved forward and let himself be pulled in. Cas let his head fall down to Dean’s abdomen and his fingers clenched around Dean. “The only time’s I haven’t seen you eat have been-” Castiel stopped. They both knew what he was talking about.

Dean lifted Castiel’s head with a gentle touch of his fingers, cradling Cas’ chin in his palm. He stared at Castiel’s face. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked pale. Dean almost laughed if he hadn’t been feeling so heartbroken. He didn’t think he’d ever think of _death_ looking _pale_ as a problem.

This had to stop.

“Cas. Tessa told me.”

“Told you what?” Castiel asked, moving back, his hands gripping the bottom Dean’s shirt.

Dean shook his head and gently peeled Castiel’s fingers from his shirt. He bit his lip and finally sat down in another chair as far away from Castiel as he could be. “You’re draining yourself to death, no pun intended, keeping me around.”

The shock on Castiel’s face told him that what Tessa had said was right.

He was killing himself just to keep him around. If they could even die.

“Dean, I’m fine,” Castiel said, leaning forward. But nothing could hide the desperate shine in Cas’ eyes.

Dean stood, knocking the chair back. The clatter startled them both but Dean didn’t let it stop him. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Cas! You’ve been draining yourself dry to keep me safe and sane!”

He stared Castiel down and saw the moment that he gave up lying. Castiel’s head dipped down and he nodded. “Keeping a soul in your state does take some energy. More energy than you have.”

Dean’s heart plummeted into his stomach.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dean asked weakly.

Cas stood up, walking over slowly like he was scared Dean would run off. Which would’ve probably annoyed him if that wasn’t kind of his go to thing. “I… it didn’t seem necessary.”

“Necessary?” Dean spat out, laughing bitterly. “You didn’t think it was necessary to tell me that the person I love is running themselves fucking dead so that I can play some stupid fucking game on the PlayStation and get a taste of garlic bread?!”

Dean kept his head down and it wasn’t until he realized Cas wasn’t moving any closer that he realized what he’d let slip out.

“Cas.”

Dean looked up to find Castiel frozen, hands still out in front of him to touch him. His eyes were wide and his mouth slightly ajar.

“Dean,” Cas finally managed to get out.

Before Cas could panic, he could see the flight response starting to kick in, Dean moved out of his chair and wrapped his arms underneath Cas’ and rested them at his waist, tugging him in close.

He didn’t have luxury of time to lie.

“Cas,” Dean started, nuzzling his face into Castiel’s neck. “I’m sorry I never said it,” Dean mumbled, lips brushing along the soft skin, his top lip catching the edges of hair that rested at Castiel’s neck. “But fuck, Cas… it’s been nearly a year? Or more? Or less? Shit, I don’t even know at this point but you matter to me. You’re- you.” Dean took in a deep breath, closing his eyes. He should’ve been able to look Cas in the eye when he confessed but it was just too much. “I fucking love you, ok? I do. And I’m sorry I never said it until now. I’m sorry that you had to practically drag yourself to death’s door before I got the balls to tell you.”

Dean stayed tense, worried that he’d fucked it all up again until he felt Castiel start to laugh. It started with a few quiet huffs and then into a full chuckle. “Dean,” Cas whispered.

“Yeah?” Dean asked, scared.

“You’re being very dramatic, “ Castiel finally answered, pulling back to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“Dramatic?” Dean pulled back and he narrowed his eyes at the expression on Cas’ face. “Stop looking at me like that.”

Cas tried to control his grin and ended up laughing. Tears trickled down his cheeks and he sniffed. “Dean.”

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me.”

Dean stood, frozen.

“Please?”

How could he say no?

…

“You sure about this?” Dean asked as his knees hit the bed, cradling Castiel’s hips.

Castiel nodded, eyes wide and cheeks flushed. He hadn’t looked this alive in a long time.

“If it gets to be too much, tell me,” Dean insisted, fingers moving slowly as he unbuttoned Cas’ jacket, then his undershirt. “Where’d you get this outfit anyway?”

Castiel blushed and glanced down. “I was created in it.”

“Death has an interesting fashion sense,” Dean muttered, hands trembling a little now that he could see the bare flesh of Castiel’s chest. “This is so many levels of shit I wasn’t expecting,” Dean said as he ran his fingers from Cas’ neck to his collarbone and then down the dip of his sternum until he trailed along Castiel’s happy trail.

And of course because Dean couldn’t handle anything this important to him he had to blurt out whatever was in his head. “Why do you have a body like this anyway? I mean… you’re a reaper. Shouldn’t you be like… a ball of nothing or something or hell, have three faces and fifteen tentacles or something?”

To his luck Cas only laughed under him. He lifted enough to shimmy out of his jackets and then laid back down. He lifted his palm to cradle Dean’s cheek and then pushed back until he could tangle his fingers in Dean’s hair. “That is a very good question. And no, not all reapers look like this. To be honest, I’ve never put much thought into my corporeal appearance. I can’t tell you who decided on it.”

“Well, when you figure it out, let me know, ‘cause I’ve got a thank you letter to write,” Dean whispered and then leaned down.

He peppered kisses from Cas’ mouth, to his jaw and down along his neck. He sucked, lips sticky and wet, at arbitrary spots until his mouth grazed across Cas’ nipple. He smirked when Castiel responded.

It wasn’t something he was going to admit out loud but one of his reservations about getting closer with Cas was he had no fucking clue what to do. It wasn’t like there was a google search he could do on how to have sex with a being that lived beyond life or whatever. Now that Cas was gasping and moaning underneath, while his tongue flicked at the hardened nipple, he could admit to himself that he’d been scared. Scared he couldn’t give Castiel pleasure. A dumb fear. The back of his head told him it shouldn’t have mattered. He was sexual as hell but it wasn’t like even in humanity everyone felt it and they lived their lives just fine.

He’d still been terrified.

“This okay?” Dean asked, moving his hand down to Castiel’s belt, unbuckling it. “Does this feel okay?”

Castiel smiled and brought his own hand down. Dean was selfishly glad to feel that it was trembling and Cas’ voice was hoarse as he answered. He wasn’t an idiot if this affected Cas like this too. “Yes, Dean, it does. I-” Castiel gasped as Dean pressed his palm to Cas’ erection. “I’ve never experienced anything like this until y-you but I’m glad I am.”

“Never?” Dean’s fingers trembled as he unbuttoned Castiel’s pants and tugged at the zipper.

“I’ve never felt a reason to. I know some reapers never do, some are constantly- OH Dean. Yes.”

Dean swallowed. Cas’ cock felt so warm in his palm.

He didn’t know why he’d expected it to be cold. He’d felt the heat of Castiel as they cuddled on the couch, the warmth of his lips, and the soft burn when they’d slept the night together in the morning.

“Is this normal?” Dean asked, slipping his hand into the opening of Cas’ boxers. He nearly pulled back when his palm touched the skin of Castiel’s cock. So warm. So hot.

“No- not-nothing has ever been norm- please oh- oh- normal between us,” Castiel gasped out as Dean stroked his fingers along Cas’ shaft.

Dean nodded and decided when Cas’ eyes fluttered closed that he wasn’t about to discuss anymore metaphysics.

Besides, who gave a fuck?

“Tell me what you want,” Dean said. He leaned down and ran the tip of his tongue along Castiel’s lower lip, leaning down.

He could’ve sworn he could feel Cas blush. “I want you naked.”

“That can be arranged.”

Dean leaned back and stripped. If it had been any other time he might’ve made a tease out of it but he’d been waiting a little too long. It wasn’t until he started messing with his pants that he had to crawl off of the bed with a frustrated huff. There wasn’t exactly an elegant way to strip out of your pants when kneeling on top of someone.

“You ok there?” Dean asked, swearing he wasn’t red in the face when he finally stood naked at the end of the bed.

Cas’ eyes were wide and his chest heaved up and down. “I’m- Dean-.You’re gorgeous.”

Dean blushed and instead of having to respond to the compliment, he went to work stripping Castiel. It wasn’t fair if he was the only one naked. Cas was easy enough to maneuver as he stripped him down and holy fuck. He really did need to write a thank you letter to someone.

Cas was gorgeous.

“Dean?” Castiel’s voice brought him out of the blank haze he’d fallen into.

He looked nervous.

Dean couldn’t have that.

“Well if I’m gorgeous you’re a freaking artistic masterpiece,” Dean said, moving forward and kissing Castiel before his embarrassment could take a hold of him.

Their bodies touched and Dean swore that he could heara light blow out in the living room.

“How do you wanna do this?” Dean asked between kisses, groaning every time their cocks brushed against each other.

“Any way you want- please- more- Dean!”

Dean pulled back and grinned, looking down between their bodies. He shifted his hips down and fire lit across his skin at the way Cas moaned every time he ground his hips down.  “I’m gonna need more than that Cas.”

“What more do you need?” Cas panted out, one hand coming up to grip a the back of Dean’s neck.

“Are you telling me that after a millennia of existence you don’t have a single idea of what you’d like to do?” Dean teased. He brought his knees further up and propped himself on one arm to steady himself. He gripped their cocks in one hand and stared at Castiel’s face as he tightened his grip.

“Don’t be mean,” Cas panted out, grinding his hips up into Dean’s hand.

“Never, Cas,” Dean whispered, leaning down to nip at Cas’ ear. He’d figured out long ago that it was something that drove him insane.

Cas whined and his hands dropped to clench at the bed sheets. “I don’t know- Dean. Just, please. Give me- give me everything.”

Dean licked a wet stripe from Cas’ ear down to his collarbone. “I’ll give you everything and more Cas, I promise.”

…

“Dean!”

Dean laughed and pulled his fingers back. “I didn’t even think reapers could feel cold.”

Castiel damn near glared at him. “I think you would’ve figure out at this point that we can.”

Dean chuckled and grabbed the bottle of lube and poured more onto his fingers. A very odd and uncomfortable conversation had led them to discovering that, yeah, even if reapers lived outside of the mortal spectrum they needed some prep.

Dean rolled the lube between his fingers until it was warm enough. “Ready?”

Cas didn’t even finish rolling his eyes before moaning loudly. “Deeper! Dean, please!”

“Demanding aren’t you,” Dean mumbled as his fingers traced around Cas’ rim.

“Don’t be a dick.”

“Language, Cas,” Dean chastised as he pushed a finger in and had to bring his other hand to grip at the base of his cock.

Cas moaned so prettily.

…

Sex in the afterlife was probably better because it _was_ the afterlife.

Or maybe it was just Cas.

‘Yeah’, Dean thought as Castiel’s lips grazed along his hip.

It was just Cas.

…

Castiel was running himself dead, Dean could see that.

They’d had some amazing nights, amazing moments, but Castiel was suffering. It wasn’t like Dean was about to win any awards on the realization. It didn’t take genius to figure it out.

Dean held Cas close while they were lying in bed, naked and sweaty. Emotions bubbled in him, ready to explode in ways he didn’t want to.  His hand was dark against Cas’ shoulder. After sex probably wasn’t the best time to bring it up but he’d run out of ‘I love you’s’. He needed to know. “Hey Cas, what’s… what’s in the after? Did you ever-”

Castiel huffed and moved closer. Dean pressed a kiss to his head. “I don’t know. I told you that.”

“You don’t know?” Dean asked, trying to mask the shakiness in his voice. “How do you not know?”

“It’s not my jurisdiction.”

Dean hummed, not bringing up the fact that Cashad said he’d asked around. Instead he pulled Castiel closer to him. “You can’t go there?”

Castiel shook his head, “No. It’s not my world. It’s not where I belong.”

Dean tugged Castiel closer and let himself slip into nothingness.

…

Dean looked at himself in the mirror, tripping himself out by disappearing and appearing. It was the best he could do to try and distract himself from the deep thoughts that were swirling in his head, creating a pit in his chest.

Sam was doing ok. He was actually pretty damn good. It had been pretty much almost two years now since he’d died and he was moving on just fine. So was the rest of his family.

He wanted to watch over them until he faded into nothing but now he had someone else to think about.

Cas was suffering.

No matter how hard he tried to hide it, Dean could tell. He didn’t know where Cas stood but he’d managed to distract himself for a while with their new closeness. Their honeymoon faze could only fight against it so long.

Castiel had the best, brightest smile still, but he looked damn near _dead_ when he came home.

It wasn’t right.

Dean rolled a bottle of beer between his hands. He couldn’t get drunk but the familiarity made him feel more stable. He sat in the kitchen and called on Tessa.

“It’s too much, isn’t it?” Dean asked, not having the patience to dick around.

Last night Castiel had passed out on the couch the second he’d materialized.

Tessa sighed, fiddling with the edges of her coat, and looked away. “He _is_ using a lot of himself to stabilize you and still do his job. We talked about this. I don’t mean to be cruel.”

Dean chuckled bitterly and sniffed. “So all that ghost training was for nothing? Did it even help? I’m not even trying to go back at this point. Sam’s fine, my family’s fine, the only thing I still really care about is Cas.”

Tessa bit her lip. “You probably could have another few hundred years like this. Castiel is strong, very strong. But…” Tessa took Dean’s hand into hers, placing the bottle to the side. “Souls, no matter how much power is pushed into them, deteriorate. Every soul breaks down and that can also happen to us as reapers.”

“I thought death was infinite.”

Tessa smiled, bitterly, “Death, is. We, however, are not.”

Dean rubbed his hand over his face, “Years at least, right?”

Tessa shrugged, “Well, maybe. Time doesn’t quite work the same for everyone. Especially for us. We exist in the void.”

“The void, huh? And I’m dragging Cas down? Taking away his life.” Tessa hesitated. “Don’t bull shit me, Tess. Just. I need to know.”

Tessa looked him the eye, face filled with sorrow. “Yes. It’s the only metaphor I can think of but yes. We’re born fully formed and we should be eternal but yes. Castiel would eventually fade trying to keep you around as you are.” She smiled and stood to give him a hug. She pulled back and rested her head against Dean’s. “But- I have never seen Cas happier.” It was a weak attempt at comfort but Dean could appreciate it for what it was.

Dean laughed bitterly, a single tear sliding down his cheek. “He’s never felt anything else but me before and I’m fucking killing him.”

Tessa shook her head and gently smacked Dean on the side of the head with the side of her palm. “Don’t belittle his feelings. He loves you. You’re his… whatever it means for us to have a _someone_ , and what you’ve given him will brighten him for the rest of his existence. He loves you, and always will.”

“He… loves me?” Dean asked.  He’d heard Cas say it enough times but hearing Tessa say it… It was a little more solid. That he wasn’t crazy.

Tessa gave him a sad smile, “Yes. He does.”

Dean watched a sense of loss dance behind her eyes. “You ever been in love?”

“Yes.”

“Did you regret it?”

Tessa shook her head, but her expression didn’t change. “No.”

“What else is going on?”

Tessa shifted around and Dean grabbed her before she disappeared.

She told him about Naomi.

She told him about the re-training.

She told him about everything Cas had done for him before he even died.

“Fuck,” Dean cursed, wanting to punch something.

He finally found someone he was head over heels in love with, finally man enough to admit it, and he was killing him.

“You should go,” Dean said finally.

The gentle hand at his shoulder made tears drip down his face.

It was time to let go.


	10. Chapter 9

Castiel took Dean to all the places they’d wanted to go, and had promised to go to when they’d talked in hushed voices in between warm sheets.

They had wonderful ‘dates’.

Everything was right.

Everything was at peace and good.

They were _happy._

“Cas… I can’t even say I’m drunk. And ignore me. But, I uh,” Dean laughed and rubbed his fingers across his eyes. “I can’t believe we’re in fucking Paris. This is going to be too cliché. This is stupid. This is dumb, can we, can we go somewhere else?”

Castiel felt worried, and confused, but he obliged Dean’s wishes.

He brought him to a lake side in Kansas. The residents of the area had long gone to bed and Dean dragged him to the edge of the lake and sat them down at the pier. He pulled Castiel’s hand tightly into his and looked at the moon, its reflection dancing across the dark water.

“Dean?”

Dean raised Castiel’s hand to his lips.

“I love you.”

Castiel nearly fazed through the wood and into the lake. It still shook him to his core whenever Dean said it. “Dean-”

Dean turned to Castiel and pulled him close. He lifted both of his hands to Castiel’s face. “I love you,” Dean repeated, pressing his lips to Castiel’s.

Castiel tried to argue but Dean wasn’t hiding anything.

He could feel how serious Dean was.

“I love you too, Dean.”

…

“Hey, Cas… there’s somewhere I’d like to go.”

“Anywhere you want, Dean.”

“Ok, just, trust me.”

Castiel held tightly onto Dean’s hand but his heart plummeted into his stomach when he realized where they were.

It was where Dean had grown up, or rather, the lot where another family had built something new over the remains of the burned down house. Dean took him on a tour, describing the area to him, where things used to be as they toured the new house.

Dean dragged him next to Bobby Signer’s yard and enthusiastically told him about where he’d scraped a knee and broken a bone. The first car he’d fixed.

Castiel stopped as Dean tried to pull them to another place.

Dean was moving on.

“Cas…”

“Dean? What?” Castiel felt like vomiting. They hadn’t even indulged in food that day.

Dean smiled at him.

Castiel felt a tear trail down his cheek. “I thought…”

Dean laughed and there was a bit of anger in his voice that Castiel didn’t understand. “Tessa told me.”

“What did she tell you?” Castiel felt a thread of anger wrap itself around his being.

“I know how much it’s been costing you to keep me around. And I don’t know where I would be going but she told me what might happen to _you_ if I stay.”

Castiel took in a deep breath and shook his head. He nearly kneeled in the grass. “Dean, please.”

** **

Dean laughed and pulled Castiel in close. He kissed the top of Castiel’s head and trailed more kisses around his face, tears starting to build in his own eyes. He rested his forehead against Castiel’s neck and breathed in deep.

“Do you regret this?”

“Never.”

Dean pulled back and rested his forehead against Castiel’s. “Then we’ll always at least have this. I love you.”

Castiel whimpered and couldn’t say anything back until Tessa showed up.

He refused to look at either of them, tears streaming down his face.

It was over.


	11. Chapter 10

After Dean moved on Castiel returned to his same exact nature. He shoved away all of his feelings and he stopped experiencing things. He wouldn’t touch food no matter how hard Tessa tried to coax him into it. Obsessively, he focused on work and forgot about all of his pleasures. Even the one nice clifftop he had.

It was all gone.

He tried to ignore it when even Meg commented on it.

Despite his focus on work it wasn’t quite his usual standard.

“Castiel, even I can tell something’s wrong. And we hate each other.”

Castiel didn’t respond. He knew why Meg was commenting. He hadn’t even fought her yanking the soul that he’d been sent to reap.

But he just couldn’t care.

“Clarence.”

“I don’t hate you.”

Meg paused, looking shocked. She recovered and sighed. She walked forward and Castiel didn’t fight the hug she gave him, as odd as it was. “Good to know.”

…

Years… decades passed.

Castiel couldn’t quite figure out the time but it wasn’t as if it mattered to him. His heart was broken but at least he’d stabilized enough to do his job properly and without fail.

“Cas?”

Castiel turned around to see Tessa approaching him slowly, “Are you ok?”

“I’m _fine._ It’s been centuries, I don’t understand why you still ask me this.”

“Because you still focus on how much time has passed.”

Castiel sighed, “What do you want, Tessa?”

“You have a new trainee.”

“Believe it or not I’m aware of this.”

Tessa walked forward and touched Castiel’s back. “All right. I just wanted to make sure… don’t be too hard on him.”

Castiel ignored her as she disappeared, waiting for the pull.

He stood at the edge of a river and nearly jumped into it as someone touched his shoulder.

“Man! Even years later! I still got it! Didn’t think I could!”

Castiel turned around and nearly _did_ stumble into the river.

A heart he didn’t have beat and then stopped. Breath he hadn’t felt in his lungs filled and then froze.

Dean was standing in front of him, wearing a reapers uniform.

“I know right?” Dean turned around, holding his hands out. He winked at him. “Not a good look on me but what can you do? Gotta toe the company line even if the uniform sucks.”

Castiel stood, too shocked to move.

Dean walked forward, waving his hand in front of Castiel’s face. “What? No hello? Now that hurts. Man, I thought we had something, Cas.”

Castiel finally felt something in him unfreeze. He crashed into Dean and pulled him close. Dean laughed and couldn’t seem to stop, his warm, strong arms wrapping tightly around Castiel. Castiel yanked him down for a kiss, feeling _life_ course through him in a way he didn’t think was possible.

“I’m hallucinating. This- this can’t be real.”

“I remember saying something like that when we first met,” Dean said with a wink and Castiel pulled him back down, whimpering a little.

This had to a punishment. Some cruel dream sent to him for the souls he’d neglected while falling in love with Dean.  But he wouldn’t, couldn’t let it go. It just wasn’t possible.

Dean’s hands roamed across his body and Castiel let himself be explored.

“Oh my- guys! Calm down! It’s only been, what, a few centuries,” Tessa exclaimed as she showed up on the scene. She put a hand over her eyes but peeked through them.

Dean laughed and tugged Castiel’s shirt back down while Castiel moved away.

“This… this is real? This… is Dean?” Castiel kept a tight hand on Dean’s jacket but kept his eyes trained on Tessa.

She only smiled at them.

“The one and only,” Dean said pulling Castiel back closer to him. He put his hand to Castiel’s chin and dragged him into a searing kiss.

“You can’t be.”

“Yet, here I am,” Dean said as he winked at Castiel.

“But your family! Your- your everything! Being a reaper, even if were possible-“

Dean stopped him with a finger to his lips. “Seems like there are some rather creative ways around the system in this place.”

“But your family!” Cas protested, barely able to function.

Dean smiled and shrugged. “Ash is a creative motherfucker.” He pulled Castiel close and rested his forehead against Castiel’s. “When there’s a Winchester, there’s a way.”

“That’s lame, even I know that.”

“It may be lame, but I’m right.”

Dean tilted Castiel’s chin so that he could gently rest his lips against Cas’ and whispered against them, “So, you ready to teach me, _boss_?”

**THE END**


End file.
